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The Tecmo Super Bowl (02/01/08) --There are so many different components to the Super Bowl these days, that it makes a garbage can filled with Erector Sets look easy to sort it out. Will passing be key to the Patriots winning? Who will make the best commercial? What kind of dip should I bring to the Super Bowl party? Should I finish this bottle of Old Harper even though I have to work tomorrow? It takes an 80-hour pregame show just to get down to the bottom of whether or not Bill Cowher and Shannon Sharpe actually like each other and whether or not CBS can find a way to squeeze a full football team onto its studio broadcasting team.
None of this analysis even scratches halftime, which has become a huge event unto itself, and contrary to revisionist history, this happened long before Justin Timberlake violated Janet Jackson. Some washed- up musician is brought out onto a stage to lip synch his/her greatest hits while thousands of monetarily-compensated “fans” mosh and sway in front of the stage as if this was truly one of the great moments in their lives. The halftime ballyhoo isn’t just limited to the events at the stadium. For years, the nation has been just as enthralled with parallel football contests involving females in their undergarments and bottles of beer wearing helmets.
Ignoring all of the postgame bluster – which is no small feat – that’s still a full plate of Super Bowl coverage, much more than I can handle, and much more than anyone should handle. Besides, there isn’t any angle on this game that hasn’t been covered, is there? With ESPN broadcasting from Tom Coughlin’s bedroom, it would seem impossible.
That’s right, the 2008 Super Bowl features two men from Tecmo. That is pretty unreal for a game featuring rosters promoting the upcoming 1991 season. My friends and I were simultaneously watching the NFC playoffs and playing Tecmo a couple weeks ago, when Jeff Feagles was on both screens at once. While picking up stray pieces of cerebellum from having our minds blown from such an occurrence, it was assumed that this could never happen again. But if a Chargers/Eagles Tecmo contests were to be fired up next to the Super Bowl broadcast this weekend, the chances of a repeat would be pretty strong.
The important question: Who to pull for? While both Junior Seau and Feagles are members of Team Tecmo and are deserving of digital hugs for this reason, it is this type of quasi-homosexual thinking that led to the Bud Bowl getting replaced by underwear football. There must be a winner and a loser.
The gut reflex for many is to pick Seau because he’s got the disposition of a Care Bear. However, I’d like to leave off-the-field attributes out of this. We all know that Tecmo football men have no feelings or personality, much like real-life punters. In this regard, the playing field gets leveled for Feagles. Seau now is no different than Tommy Kane, but he is different than Big Daddy Kane, whose musical stylings continue to rock the hizzouse here in 1994.
Based Tecmo talent, the initial edge would have to go to Junior Seau. He’s a more-than-effective linebacker for the Chargers and practically anyone who has picked up the confusingly over-buttoned NES controller has chosen Seau. Conversely, how could you even tell if Feagles has talent? I don’t pretend to know a lot about Tecmo; I KNOW a lot about Tecmo. Even with more than a decade-and-a-half of Nintendo scholarship, I still can’t tell the difference between punters.
Actual talent and perception of talent are two different things, though. Sure, Junior Seau might have more athletic talent than Jeff Feagles. Vasco de Gama probably did, too. But like in Hollywood and report cards, perception is all that matters. The fact is that Junior Seau is vastly overrated, even on his own defense. Leslie O’Neal is far and away the better linebacker, Gil Byrd does a much better job at ball-hawking, and Burt Grossman destroys Seau because, come on, his name is “Burt.”
Meanwhile, perception of Feagles’ talent turns wildly the other way. While Jeff Feagles might have been a punt-kicking nobody back in 1991, anybody who fires up the game these days is obviously pleasantly surprised to see such a familiar friend. Feagles of the Eagles may not have been the best punter on the game, but everyone thinks he is because he’s still booting in the 2008 Super Bowl, for Nelson’s sake. That’s gotta count for more than something.
I said I wouldn’t include the off-the-field exploits of the various players, but I didn’t say anything about their real-life playing careers. Junior Seau is a hall-of-fame linebacker who carried San Diego football for more than a dozen years, save for the few seasons when Marshall Faulk was toting the ball for the Aztecs. At the same time, Feagles was a journeyman who bounced from team to team seemingly endlessly. Does this mean that his services weren’t important enough to lock up for the long haul? Or does it mean that everybody and their dog wanted a piece of the Feagles hysteria? Tough call, but I’ll give the edge to Seau here.
Junior Seau probably holds a whole bunch of San Diego Chargers records, including sacks, games played, and longest streak of Most Improved Samoan awards. Jeff Feagles doesn’t have a lot of records…except for a little called "Most Consecutive NFL Games Played." Cal Ripken, you’ve been rendered irrelevant. Take your seat between the League of Nations and Dan Rather and shut up.
“Feagles for president…
What a fucking hold!!!”
ADVANTAGE: Feagles of the Eagles
Feagles is the real winner, but we’re all winners in the sense that we get to cheer on these 8-bit behemoths in Sunday’s game. Super Bowl XXLII? We know its real name. Go Feagles.