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Super Macho Man
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WVBA in the DMZ. Courtesy TMZ.
Demilitarized Zone (LP) - - -
Sitting in the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea, this reporter was overwhelmed by the disparate group of people present. On the one hand, you had those living a life of capitalistic luxury. This group dressed nicely, was well-fed, and appeared to be genuinely happy to be there. The other bunch was distressed and dirty, smelling of garbage, and confused by the noises and images around them. The first group was, of course, the boxing enthusiasts that had scored a nearly-impossible ticket to this event. The others were the Bronx dumpster whores that tagged along with their children’s father, Little Mac.
While these ladies of the litter were most interested in the Little Mac versus King Hippo showdown, the rest of the free and communist worlds were frothing at the mouth for the Mike Tyson World Title fight. Even the North Korean peasants afflicted by rabies were frothing a second type of froth in anticipation of the event, a testament to the intrigue of this fight and the resilience of human encephalitis.
Perhaps most gripping was the show of national pride that each country exhibited through their preening leaders. South Korea president, Lee Myung-bak, arrived in the DMZ in a souped-up Hyundai, which stopped directly in front of a huge bank of Samsung LED televisions showing shots of beautiful South Korean women sunbathing on Jeju Island. Not to be outdone, Kim Jong Il flushed a Russian-made toilet and dumped a bowl of oatmeal on his head.
MC #3 Little Mac (0-4) vs. MC #4 King Hippo (0-4)
This fight held a certain amount of sympathetic appeal because neither fighter had mustered up a victory in the reincarnated WVBA. While particularly dastardly fighters of yore used to load their firsts up with iron inside their mitts, lately King Hippo has been coming to the ring gripping sticks of butter. The WVBA has seen no reason to stop behavior though, because the butter’s only purpose seems to be an enjoyable in-fight aroma and more entertaining trips to the urinal. These Parkay tactics were risky on this night, though, because a ballooning Little Mac was threatening to bite King Hippo’s fingers off.
With the bell, the two rotund fighters came to the center of the ring to exchange blows. Hippo began socking Mac heavily in the face with his island-bred wallops, while Mac struggled to find his rhythm. At one time losing all his hearts, he stood there blinking red while Hippo continued to mash in his face. Rallying back from his stint as a heartless inferno, Little Mac recalled the “open mouth/punch mouth/fat guy’s trunks fall off” routine from the old days. Mac continued to soften up the island chief before the bell brought the first round to an end.
In between rounds, King Hippo let butter drip onto his naval tape and Little Mac made armpit farting noises.
As the second round bell rang, Hippo made it clear that his days of messing around were over. Hippo delivered two hard haymakers that left Mac momentarily stunned. Fat and disoriented, Mac panicked and tried desperately to earn stars against King Hippo. When he was unable to do so, his fate was sealed. Hippo delivered five hard fists to Mac’s face before he went flying to the canvas. The blinking “Get up!!” on the bottom of the screen was only there for looks, as most onlookers were simply concerned about Mac’s children being orphaned. And I know their moms were alive and present, but trust me, they’ve got syphilis that would make Al Capone look pure.
WC Champion Mike Tyson (3-1) vs. WC #1 Piston Honda (3-1)
While the undercard bout was fun, the main event was what everyone spent their weekly paychecks and meager government handouts on. Honda came to the ring flanked by a huge Asian contingent, which of course means everyone was 5’7”. Tyson, meanwhile, arrived in style himself, accompanied by an actress from Seoul and 25 people looking to steal his money.
As the two came to touch gloves in the middle of the ring, South Korean soldiers fired their rifles and Pyongyang launched a peace warhead at Taiwan. The bell rang, flashbulbs flared, and Taipei wondered what the fuck just happened to its library.
Tyson and Honda are body doubles, a fact reflected in their fighting styles. Knowing Tyson’s first round prowess is unmatched, Honda spent the first 1:30 avoided Tyson’s thunderous punches. After that point Tyson launched into his winky sideways punches, which prompted Honda to do his famous dance. The partisan crowd roared their approval at this Fred Astaire routine, which only emboldened Honda. Honda simply continued dancing, the crowd continued cheering, and Tyson worked through complex geometry proofs in his mind for the rest of the round.
Despite being somewhat fun, the first round featured very little punch-landing. Many commentators rushed to paint this as a harbinger for peace in the region, while the fighters’ cut-men rushed to consider this a harbinger of the soup line.
These fears were alleviated right out of the gates in the second, when the two began throwing wild slugs at each other. Devolving into a wild brawl of peninsula ferocity, the crowd roared with each jab and blow. Tyson staggered a back a few times, as though appearing to go down, before he regained the strength to plow back into the NHK huckster. This wild display of video game savagery continued until the bell, leading the crowd to cheer and Doc Louis to take his shirt off.
Neither fighter had gone down at this point, but the stage was set for the first man down to take home the title strap.
Like the unrealized hope of a Communist dream, however, the depths of third round disappointment soon settled onto the gathered crowd. The two fighters were simply too exhausted from the second round heroics to muster up the gas to really mount an offensive. A shirtless Doc Louis had mustered up plenty of offensive gas behind press row, but this had little bearing on the fighting in the ring. The two fighters exchanged parries and blows, but neither was able to gain much of a footing. The bell rang and this incredibly close fight went to a decision.
Slo-Mo Jones, WVBA head scorer, scored the fight as a straight 30-30. The score recorded by System of a Down’s Daron Malakian, “Pepperoni and Green Peppers Mushrooms Olives Chives” to “Hey man don’t you touch my belt!” was deemed unintelligible and not scored. That left the scorecard of Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who is her kid’s mom, and one unpopular bitch in Tokyo (the city’s words, not mine) for scoring the fight 30-29 in favor of Tyson. The Catskill fornicator retained the World Circuit Title.
- South Korean residents unable to attend the fight gathered in downtown Seoul to watch on giant television screens.
- North Korean residents unable to attend the fight gathered in the highlands to watch a shaman guess at the action on an Etch-a-Sketch.
-The celebrity turnout was high as always, but because the popular culture trade between Asia and the United States only flows one way, I have no idea who any of them were.
[| ) World Circuit
Mike Tyson (4-1)
#1: Great Tiger (3-1)
#2: Piston Honda (3-2)
#3: Mr. Sandman (3-2)
#4: Soda Popinski (2-2)
#5: Von Kaiser (2-3)
[| ) Major Circuit
S. Macho Man (4-1)
#1: Glass Joe (3-2)
#2: Bald Bull (2-4)
#3: King Hippo (1-4)
#4: Little Mac (0-5)
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Contender 2: WVBA
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