The Padre Platoon (11/07/03) --

So I wake up today and see that the San Diego Padres have come up with some new uniforms for next year. They are hailing it as their first major uniform alteration since 1991. Personally, I think the first major uniform alteration was when all players were uniformly slim with the retirement of Tony Gwynn. Unfortunately, I had no say in their press release so the Padres can claim whatever they want.

What the Padres came up with was an ugly little display of reflective boringness. In an era of teams going over the top with trying to look like a home improvement warehouse (Phoenix Suns) or with jerseys that have nothing to do with their nickname (Dallas Stars), the Pads decided that they would go with drab blue and white. Add in the standard “San Diego” on the road uniform and “Padres” on the home version and you have the new Padres unis.

Stop pretending you're on an actual Major League team, Giles.

But if I’m San Diego, I would have been looking to make a statement. This is a team moving into a new ballpark and they need to let everyone know that they stand out, not cop out with a drab look. Instead, I would’ve elevated their camouflage uniforms to full-time status. You know what I’m talking about, those ridiculous uniforms that the Padres have been wearing as a third jersey for the past couple of years.

I would have a two uniform combination. At home, I would have the standard green, Vietnam-style camouflage for the home games. Complete with flags on the side and berets, the Padres would be styling like we’ve never seen before.

On the road, they would most definitely dress in the Desert Storm style fatigues. Complete with Kevlar helmet, they could make a defiant statement toward the Hussein regime while finishing comfortably last in the NL West.

Of course it seems unreasonable that they would do something like this, but why? This is the same team that has legitimately been wearing a camo jersey for the past few years. Why stop there? Why not go all out?

Gas masks will be worn when the Padres really start to stink.

Instead of jumping on the opportunity to let everyone know that they were hip and different, the Padres will continue to be the same uninteresting team they have been since they were trounced in the World Series by the Yankees.

The possibilities could’ve been endless. They could have hired Tim Johnson to be the manager. If you don’t remember, Johnson was the manager who was fired after it was discovered that his 20+ years of Vietnam stories were all a farce, considering he never even went overseas during the war. This would’ve been a chance for him to get into fatigues for real.

They could’ve brought Roger Clemens out of retirement and teamed him up with Tim Robbins. The “Nuclear Rocket” combination would’ve been enough to draw anyone in to watch this club.

Or why not hire Bobby Knight to do some assistant coaching during the off-season? Surely the general would’ve made a good addition to this squad.

But alas, their boring blue and whites are the way they are going to go. The Padre Platoon had marketing success written all over it. Instead, they are sporting dull uniforms as they move into Petco Field.

Cheer on your 2004 Padres as they bumble to last place at the Litter Box.

The Leonardite