The "Golden" Gophers (10/24/05) --

This article also appears at FargoFan.com

A sign in their football complex prominently reads “BACK-TO-BACK-TO-BACK CHAMPIONS.” “This is strange,” you might be thinking, since nobody has ever won three straight NCAA football titles. Perhaps we are peering at a future sign at USC?

If you are thinking that, then you apparently have a warped view of what a “champion” is. If the University of Minnesota can teach us anything, it is that apparently two Music City Bowls and a Sun Bowl are the true definition. I’m sorry, but not even the distinction of Vitalis being the Sun Bowl’s title sponsor can legitimize this claim.

I made a statement a couple of weeks ago to a friend that outside of Northwestern, the University of Minnesota has the sorriest athletic department in the Big Ten. A native of the Twin Cities, he was at first appalled, and then later remorseful because he knew that I was unfortunately right. The only thing unfair about that sentence is the slam on Northwestern, considering they have been to more Rose Bowls in my lifetime than the Golden Gophers.

The skeptics will first toss me hockey, a team that won the national championship just a short two years ago. First of all, Minnesota does not play hockey in the Big Ten. The only other Big Ten schools to field teams are Michigan and Michigan State and they play in a different conference than the Golden Gophers anyway.

Minnesota is the land of ten thousand lakes. This summer, I and my soon-to-be discovered brutal hangover were awakened beside one of them. The culprit? The universally-hated wind chime. As I lay there, the last remnants of the premium alcohol Phillips vodka (it is TRIPLE distilled after all) seeping out of my pores, I contemplated the chimes and their complete waste of natural resources. Why would anyone take the time to put these up? My first theory was that it would alert the residents indoors that it was windy. However, this reason overlooks the fact that wind isn't very good at sneaking up on people, and often has noise and visible evidence accompanying it. Then I wondered if the chimes' owner really enjoyed the song that it played. But since it was just thin pieces of metal that hit the same pitch indiscriminantly and in an indiscriminant pattern, this person's taste in music would have to be more dubious than even the most aurally-challenged middle school girl. This led to me thinking that I would buy a wind chime myself, provided it played a tune that I actually would enjoy listening to. But it was with complete sadness that I realized that the gust of wind it would take to properly play "Iron Man" on a wind chime would probably be so strong that it would be making the notes with my house's rafters instead.

Anybody familiar with my website and my writings knows that I am a true hockey fan. But when it comes to NCAA sports, hockey is, at the very least, within walking distance of irrelevance. The general sports fan couldn’t care less about the NHL, and college hockey naturally is even further below the radar. Michigan State’s fairly recent men’s basketball title over 300+ other teams is a lot more impressive to most sports fans (this one included) than the Gophers’ triumph over a mere 58 other foes. And I really don’t mean to bury hockey more than I have to, but foes like the Bemidji State and Rensselaer hockey squads are pretty laughable in comparison to the cagers from Duke and Connecticut.

“Hey now, our women’s basketball team rocks.” Yes. Yes it does. But since I had no qualms about ripping down hockey, I cannot in good faith leave women’s basketball alone. The day that the country at large starts caring about any women’s basketball game as much as the lion’s share of NCAA men’s games, please get back to me. Who actually won last year’s national championship? Exactly my point. (The answer is Baylor, which strangely enough reinforces my point from another avenue.)

“So it’s basketball you want?” says the maroon and gold backer. “Well, our men’s basketball team made the Final Four and ran away with the Big Ten just a few years ago.” Um, no they didn’t. Props to the dearly departed Jan Gangelhoff though, for giving Minnesota fans a chance to pretend they were “big time” for at least one year.

The fact is, true athletic success in Division I is measured through men’s basketball and football exclusively. Other than the Gangelhoff era, there isn’t really much to report on for the men’s basketball team. But as far as football is concerned, well… Any time you are puffing meaningless bowl games to try and match up with the Ohio States and Michigans of the world, a serious reexamination of priorities needs to soon follow. If that wasn’t bad enough, I saw an advertisement for the program this fall that touted Minnesota as having the longest non-conference winning streak in the Big Ten.

Hoo-friggin’-ray.

You might have won eighteen games in a row, but your Florida Atlantics and Tulsas mean absolutely nothing to me. And Ohio State may have had zero in a row, but at least they had the gumption to play Texas and give them a game down to the bitter end.

The Gophers’ schedule lacks any discernible punch on an annual basis and they are always good for some monumental collapses against the conference teams (See: Every Michigan game but 2005, Wisconsin last weekend.) But even beyond those things, there is one kicker that dooms the program more than anything else. And I’m not just talking about the football team; I am talking about the whole athletic department.

The Gophers play in an off-campus dome.

If I was a big-time college recruit, in addition to collecting as many Colorado-style recruiting visits as I could, I couldn’t fathom choosing to play my home games in the Metrodome. Whereas the rest of the Big Ten has intense and personality-filled campus stadiums, the Gophers play in a mundane and lifeless dome. College football is all about pageantry and school spirit. Playing in the downtown dome works well to fulfill those two characteristics, assuming that it is the pageantry of an old warehouse that they are trying to bring to life.

Hope could be on the horizon, however. Plans to build a new on-campus stadium seem to progressing with great optimism. If such a structure is finally built, the long-overdue renaissance of Golden Gopher athletics could finally commence.

In the end, I still pull for the U. But nothing makes my skin crawl more than when university-sponsored charlatans like Glen Mason and Sid Hartman proclaim the school to be among the elites of the entire nation. You’re not. You may not even be in the elite ten of your conference, which being the “BIG TEN,” is a pretty pitiful remark to have to make.

The Leonardite