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When Ted Kaczynski was arrested in April of 1996, the government and media were quick to toot their own horns. The feared Unabomber, a menace to society, had finally been apprehended. He would no longer pose a threat to our livelihood. But my friends, we have all been the victims of a great fraud. For the real Unabomber, who too is a Montana hermit, is still at large.
The simple fact is that Bill Buckner is the Unabomber.
Bill had been busy raging his own terror war to get back at everyone for tormenting him over his error in the 1986 World Series. When federal authorities began getting wise to the clumsy first baseman’s evildoings, Bill began to panic. But then, as any true criminal mastermind does, he settled down and found a scapegoat. The government was so close to the truth, but in reality, were way off.
The feds definitely had the background information on the Unabomber correct. Buckner, being keenly aware of this, had to find a like-minded sucker to pass his mischief off on. That is how Bill Buckner came to frame Ted Kaczynski. In this case, the popular 90 Proof Sports T-shirt, “Buckner Was Framed” is not true. It is exactly the opposite.
Buckner knew that Kaczynski, like him, had come from a revered Massachusetts institution. For Buckner, it was the Boston Red Sox. For Kaczynski, it was Harvard. Buckner also knew that both men had been removed from these institutions for their radical views. Kaczynski for his views on taking over the world, Buckner for his views on letting baseballs roll between his legs.
But as convincing as these two similarities are, it was the choices the two men made after their banishments that made Ted the easy pawn for Buckner. Both men decided to live a life of seclusion in Montana.
Bill quickly began to pass the whole thing off on Kaczynski, even posing as Kaczynski's brother as he turned Ted into the authorities. The whole nation breathed a sigh of relief. Bill giggled like the madman he is and then he booted a slow grounder for old times' sake.
Yes, all the clues were there. But probably none more convincing than this special issue Bill Buckner baseball card from Squirt.
One can about imagine how difficult it is to get his hands on one of these “Exclusive Limited Edition” cards. For your reading enjoyment, I have included excerpts of Bill Buckner’s Manifesto, as he rants on his views of the world.
On Life, Love, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness
"I am the most qualified expert on this subject considering I have been robbed of all three fundamental principles. The fact that I let a slow grounder roll through my legs does not mean that I do not deserve to seek these principles. I certainly have no liberty. I live in the hills of Montana, how am I to seek liberty out here, when I can’t go into town without people making fun of me? I have no happiness. All I have is the same anguish I had in 1986. Love? Sure, I have a family with me. But they are only here to mooch the profits that I get from those pictures that Mookie and I are signing these days."
On the state of American society
"It is high-time that the Americans fall. No longer must we live on with Yankee influences. This system is hackneyed and not for the benefit of all. Only for a conglomerate of people in New York and for their cronies who hop on their bandwagon. What the United States needs is an infusion of red. If the Red (Sox) can finally gain power, then we can all unite in their power. And then maybe I can get some f------- sleep."
On his cancerous influence to other people
"Don’t blame me for the fact that I have played for the Cubs and Red Sox and neither team will ever win a World Series. Okay, I guess you can blame me for the whole Red Sox thing. But I had no hand in the Cubs failures. Although, I did meet a young kid the other day named Steve Bartman who I think might easily be manipulated. This could come in handy in the future."
"Nobody has done more for race relations in this country than me. I brought Red Sox fans of all races, genders, and nationalities together in their hatred of me. I have never received so many insults in so many languages than I did in 1986. This veracity of these slurs has only slightly decreased."
"I feel it is only ethical to help out your neighbor. Why hog all the glory to yourself? Aren’t we taught that rather than to receive the wealth and rings for ourselves, we are supposed to share and to GIVE them to our brothers? Are we not? Than why, tell me, was I at fault in Game 6?"
On his future
"I dunno. I guess I’ll keep on bombing."
Find Buckner. For your children's sake.