When I first began receiving SI for Kids on a monthly basis, I assumed that it would cover the sports that I watched on television. But when I did get that coverage, it was usually out of season and unrelated to current events. This magazine should've been titled "Sports That Nobody Cares About for Kids."

SI for Kids was chock full of stories on disabled swimmers, 10 year old (female) baseball players, and polls on such hard-hitting topics as "Should girls be allowed on boys' sports teams?" Between learning about how totally rad cheerleading is and what new hot women's basketball league was kicking off, we kids were inundated with information that nobody in the First World cared about.

What was created was a mess, an absolute wasteland of SI for Kids zombies that were led to think that all sports were created equal and that bowl games should be shelved in favor of gymnastics meets. Read along and witness the propaganda onslaught of the 90's against the literate youth, and see for yourself what the grown-up SI would look like today if we had all bought into the notion that somehow girls could play football as well as boys and that boys could figure skate without arousing some obvious questions.

 1. Cocky bullies gets their jocks handed to them
 2. Teenage boy publicly asks to get beat up
 3. Monster invades your breakfast table
 4. Eyewitness account declares wrestling "fake"
 5. D.A.R.E. agents infiltrate the editor's mailbox
 6. If anything sucks about the NFL, it's tackling
 7. Boy gleefully writes about his ineptitude
 8. Caution: Contents classified as "hilarious"
 9. Soviet athlete ecstatic about helping kids

Pro & Con
1. Mugsy Bogues is 5'3" and he can, too

Other Madness
1. You must fear el canon
2. Lobo gets uglier. Nation prays for blindness
3. Hot or Not? Who cares, it still sucks
4. As if Cleveland hasn't been embarassed enough
5. Well, maybe Yankees clothes
Even I will admit that there is simply no need for anyone to be wearing that many duck-calls at one time.
Your esteemed panel:

The two secret agents above are taking time off from cracking skulls and stealing hearts to bestow their infinite wisdom upon each item. Dan, right, has assumed the role of Marty McSorley. He will take no prisoners, mince no words, and slash people in the face with a stick when necessary.

Since we are both Leonardites, I am using my slave name for this project. I am the Wayne Gretzky to Dan's McSorley. I will not be as overtly violent in my responses, but the point will be driven home nonetheless. I am also the one leaving with the American supermodels when the day is done.