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(10/27/03) --Similar to what the ESPN's "Sports Guy" has been peddling for the past few years, I decided to just throw some random thoughts at the wall and see what would stick. Here is the result, in all its awful glory.-I don’t which is funnier, the fact that Ron Coomer actually made the American League All-Star team a few years ago or the fact that I defended his inclusion on the squad. -Despite his recent performance, Gus Frerotte is still just one headbutt into a wall away from fading back into obscurity. -Am I the only one who thinks that Spike’s“Ride with Funkmaster Flex” is like an unexpected gift for all the FUBU-wearing white children out there? -Speaking of Spike TV, I’ll be honest: I like The Joe Schmo Show. A lot. There, I said it. -Do you ever wonder what group of people Rich Kotite is leading off a cliff these days? -Best mural in the Metrodome: “Tom Kelly, MANAGER. 1984-Present.” -Who decides which wrestlers get to wear tights and who has to wear the dreaded “wrestling speedo?” The tights get all the cool designs and help to build character recognition, while the wrestling Speedo forces us to see the real total package. I’ve always been confused by this. -While North Dakota may not be the most fanatical about sports, I ask you this one question: Does your entire state get excited about a Division II women’s basketball game? -I have yet to decide whether the above statement makes North Dakotans a great group of sports fans or a really, really sad populace. -Okay, I guess I know the answer to that. -On Tecmo Super Bowl there is a man who plays quarterback for Philadelphia. He is a black man who is incredibly fast. He is also an adept passer. I have struggled for years trying to determine who this mysterious “QB Eagles” really is. -If his everyday conversations are like those during his Monday Night Football gig, I imagine that Eric Dickerson’s wife is forced to endure such quotes as, “Back when I was playing, I would have said ‘yes’ about getting the groceries, as I am now.” Or, “In my playing days, the Deluxe Wash was only $3.99” -Donkey Kong is the greatest people manipulator in history. No one else could go from being the savage beast that kidnaps defenseless women to the wildly popular hero in the Donkey Kong Country series. -I can’t verify this as a fact, but I am pretty sure that Ultimate Fighter, Tank Abbott, committed suicide after losing a legitimate wrestling match to David Arquette. Oh wait, that was career suicide. Never mind. -If I hear one more football player refer to the running game as “pounding the rock” this season, I am going to go Romanowski on somebody. -Watching Michael Irvin try and conduct a serious Sunday Conversation with Warren Sapp was one of the most hilarious things I’ve seen in a long time. I half expected Warren to say, “Enough with the ref bumping, what was the real deal with you and those stoned hookers in the hotel room?” -Has anybody really figured out if anyone else in the world uses the phrase, “Then you roast the mallow” in all seriousness like that fat, redhead in The Sandlot. -Joe Montana might be one of the best quarterbacks in history, but he was a girl compared to his successors, Jeff Garcia and Steve Young. Both of these guys would and will repeatedly dive head-first into six tacklers. In a related story, Steve Young also thinks he’s a Go-Go Dancer from Baton Rouge who came across the Atlantic Ocean in a Cessna piloted by Brent Musberger. -You haven’t lived until you are standing at center ice at a hockey game, in a sumo suit, beating the hell out of one of your best friends who is similarly equipped. Just trust me on this one. -If there’s an owner in the Major Leagues, besides Carl Pohlad, who doesn’t deserve a World Series, it’s Jeffrey Loria. -It’s bad enough that they’re basically French, now the Expos fans have to put up with Loria winning it all. But hey, at least they have Youppi! -Did you know that Beano Cook is a direct descendant of Jabba the Hutt? Me neither. -All I know is that if the Mystery Science Theater 3000 geniuses got a hold of an episode of The Bachelor the crucifixion that would result would be so horrible that even I couldn’t watch. I mean, I couldn’t watch without hurting myself from laughing so hard. -I am about as excited about the upcoming NBA season as I am about the next episode of WCW Monday Nitro. And to put this in perspective, neither WCW nor Nitro are in existence anymore. The Leonardite |
Dedicated to The Stick