Hometown: Hollywood, USA
Born: 1960
Weight: 242 lbs.
Special: Super Spin Punch
Coolest Adjective: Priggish
Creepiest Adjective: Busty
Hair Care: Just For Men
Breast Tricks Really Should Be: Just For Women

Every guy remembers that first glorious time that he sees a pair of real life breasts in the flesh. Giddiness and an indomitable surge of testoerone mix to transform the former boy into a breast-beholding man. Each man's thoughts at this time are as unique as the circumstances that brought him there, which is why I'm super pissed that someday if I get to see some boobs, I'm going to be thinking about Super Fucking Macho Man. While the rest of you were blessed with gumdrop visions of the prom queen, or if you are from the new century, your hot, pedophile teacher, my special day is going to be tainted with a horrible reel of Super Macho Man's man-maries bouncing repeatedly in my brain. The moral? The chances are slight that Punch-Out!! fanatics will ever get romantic with a real woman anyway but in the off chance they do, Kid Dynamite and friends will still be there to spoil the moment.

If you're not headlining movies or getting out of limousines with your vagina hanging out, it's pretty easy to stay anonymous in Hollywood. Obviously that really sucks if you're a pompous narcissist like Macho here, who wants nothing more than to be internationally recognized for being an oddly shaped male with an oversized forehead. As an aspiring boxer/asshole, Macho knew that his fists were probably the ticket out of anonymity, but he needed more to push him over the top.

Macho caught his big break when Nintendo was canvassing the world for its boxing game sponsored by ethnic racism. After having been turned down by a Bosnian gypsy and a Mexican border jumper, Nintendo turned their eyes towards the "Hollywood dickhead" demographic. They knew they had a clear winner in the sometimes-gray-sometimes-black-haired Macho Man. Signed to a contract after a brief meeting in the women's athletic support section at JC Penney's, Macho was set to become a budding star in the first Punch-Out!! tour.

However, there was a still a sticky situation involving his moniker. "Macho Man" was going to be his moniker in the WVBA, but a professional wrestler was threatening with superfluous "Ooooh yeahs!" to sue him and a 70's music group with a similar song was propositioning him for homosexual intercourse. The easy solution was just to throw "Super" in front of his name, just like Nintendo did with everything else associated with the NES. Thus, the new boxer fit right in at the Nintendo Christmas party alongside Super Off-Road, Super Miyamoto, and the loveable Super Nagasaki Human Glowstick Man.


To say that things went well for Super Macho Man in his first run with the WVBA would be a gross understatement, making this the first time that the word "gross" has not preceded "boobs" when referring to Macho. The promise of Macho's skills was quickly realized, as he ascended to the top of the rankings with relative ease, leaving the ring littered with knocked out boxers and a turban or two along the way. Legends are told of his epic matches with fellow American, Mr. Sandman, and there's probably a YouTube video floating around somewhere of that time that King Hippo pulled a ham out from under his naval tape and beat Macho senseless with it.

My favorite Macho memory has to be after Little Mac beats him for the belt, though. As the newspaper streams by with a barely-pubescent youngster wearing the title strap and the exposing of Referee Mario's bad parenting, Macho is inconsolable. "Where is my belt?" Macho exclaims, having had his memory erased either by a super star punch from Little Mac or an overdose of andro injected in his ass by Mark McGwire.


Congratulations, Title IX!
This was cut out of the newspaper and given to me in the months leading up to the Turin Winter Olympics. Yes, this is the same Team USA that won the bronze at those games, meaning a group of high school boys beat the third best women's hockey team in the world. Yes, that's not as embarassing as me remembering who won the bronze medal in women's ice hockey.
You can say what you want about Macho's traits, both physical and egotistical prick, but it's still undeniable that the guy can flat out throw a punch. Or a dozen of them in a row, if you're talking the Super Spin Punch. Sure, the instruction manual said that he could only throw that many in a row, but my cousin's brother's uncle's babysitter's mortician says that he swears he saw him throw fourteen in a row once, one leap year. If that's true, the WVBA is totally screwed because Macho is going straight to the top.

Macho says that he is ready to take on any and all comers, whether that means reprising his epic feud with Mr. Sandman, going back at Kid Dynamite to finally get top billing, or attacking the sailor from the Village People who continues to send him lewd photographs on Facebook. The Major Circuit champion at the time of this writing, Macho has already shown a propensity to put people to the canvas, as long as he can avoid dinner meats to the face from island chiefs.

Doc Louis

"I've never really hidden my distaste for this chump. I know Nintendo threw some lame-ass dialogue in the first game for my advice to Little Mac, but they edited out what I really said. 'Knock this flexy queer out,' 'My nuts itch,' you know, jive like that."


"I've always hated that Super Macho Man's physical traits have absolutely no permanence. In his picture he's gray-haired, in the ring his mop his black. Standing still, his facial features look like they can fit in a tuna can, but then he turns his head and he looks like Razor Ramon. I don't get him. The potshots at the boobs are overplayed, but I will question his choice of wearing a thong instead of trunks like humans traditionally do in the sport of boxing."

WVBA II Match History

Macho's RankingOpponentOpponent RankingOutcome
MC #4Glass JoeMC #21st Round KO (W)
MC #2Bald BullMC #12nd Round KO (L)
MC #2Little MacWC #51st Round KO (W)
MC #1Great TigerMC ChampionDecision (W)
MC ChampionGlass JoeMC #12nd Round KO (W)
                <-- Also playing the role of Mac, it's you!!