Weight: 284 lbs.
Special: Midnight Sleeper
Mouth Resemblance: Flapping bird
Body Resemblance: Bald Bull
Odor Resemblance: Compost wheelbarrow
Intimidation Level: Absurd
NoDoz: Strongly opposed to
The Ku Klux Klan has been in decline for decades now, but their nail in the coffin came when Nintendo unleashed Mr. Sandman from their top secret boxer hatchery near Kyoto. Some people might still feel compelled to wear half of their bedding and praise a figure who courageously died by self-inflicted pistol fire in a bunker, but the mere existence of Mr. Sandman has left the linens of thousands of beds worldwide undisturbed.
Like any person of moral value these days, I learned 97% of all knowledge in my head from video games and the backs of cereal boxes. Because of this, I knew of Mr. Sandman from Punch-Out!! long before I had ever heard the totally lame song that apparently inspired his name. Also because of this, I know that the Honey Nut Cheerios bee is doing me a huge favor by going out of his way to pitch cereal and that the word finds he hovers around are only unsolvable to a select few house plants and possibly one form of igneous rock. When I finally heard the song at some point during my formatively awesome teenage years, the a capella strains of "Mr. Sandman Give me a DREAM!" were a far departure from what I had always imagined the song sounding like, that being a Ja Rule song that revolved mainly around the line "Mr. Sandman's gonna pound your face like a forty, Mr. Sandman's gonna smack your head off shorty." The video would have included a dozen hos wearing boxing gloves dancing seductively around Mr. Sandman, Ja Rule, and Butterbean.
Philadelphia is pretty well known for a lot of things: The birth of democracy, Lenny Dykstra's mythical tobacco habit, and fictional boxers. Some people have speculated that Mr. Sandman became a boxer simply from watching the Rocky movies and trying to emulate the heroic Mr. Balboa. The story says that Sandman woke up every morning at 5:00 to run the steps like Rocky, found an aging Italian to train with, and pushed himself to the limit to fight for God and country.
It's been well-established that Bald Bull has been scaring the shit out of children and Leonardites alike for over a decade, but the fright-meter is nearly as high for Mr. Sandman. His presence on my TV might not have caused me to slit my wrists, but did leave me sharpening more than a couple of razor blades.
Sandman appeared in the part of the game where you have to sign a letter of intent to stop fucking around and start actually putting some effort into the game. First-timers probably think that the game is all Don Flamencos at this point, but I know that Sandman decapitated most of them back to reality with the Midnight Sleeper.
This part of the game is also creepy in a perverted way, because you have this giant weird guy talking to kids about going to bed with them or something between rounds, followed by a guy bouncing his boobs around. Believe me, it takes a lot to make Mike Tyson look like the normal one in a group of three, but bouncing man boobs and suggestive molestation don't even come close.
Sandman is still looking pretty sharp in this latest go-round, but that shouldn't surprise anyone. He's been an admirable physical specimen dating back to the arcade days. That physique is still in fine form in the 21st century.
Because of this, I would like to predict that he'll be one of the toughest fighters in this iteration. Of course it's not a guarantee, but if he can't find a way past Frenchmen that can't punch through a Kleenex and Turks that can't find a way past a full bottle of Cutty Sark, then maybe it's time for us all to give it up.
"I hate to play favorites with the boys, since that's kind of like picking your favorite dessert at a bake sale you snuck into, but Sandman's one of them. You always gotta respect a member of the brothahood, especially when he has a lightning punch that reminds me of a young Joe Louis and a face that reminds me of that time I saw the devil in a dream when I passed out in Reno."
"Mr. Sandman is ridiculously cool and I'd say that even if I didn't fear him coming to life and mangling my hopes, dreams, and internal organs. He's so much more refined than Bald Bull, plus he can invert his mouth in a way that resembles a seagull in flight. In fact, I might lobby my Congressman to have his name changed to 'Mr. Seagull' if it wasn't completely retarded and I wasn't already too busy writing to him about including some verbiage in the Constitution that finally recognizes my moral right to pee my name into the snow outside the post office."
WVBA II Match History