I won't lie: I wouldn't mess with him
Hometown: Bronx, New York
Born: 1970
Weight: 107
Personality: Giant beater
Special: Star uppercut
Sweatsuit: Questionable
Cankles: Impressive

While most kids his age were taking the SAT, Little Mac was out cavorting with an aging fat man and fighting circus freaks from around the globe. Kind of like a Ferris Bueller's Day Off type of deal, especially since both teenage rebels inspired kids to skip school, steal cars, and get in fights with large, angry Turkish men.

Volumes have been written about Little Mac since the 1980's, much of it centering around the mysterious rise to power of this 17 year-old Napoleon. A lot of it is some pretty outlandish stuff that has attracted cult-like devotees, but it I regret to inform you that his story is pretty unspectacular. Mac didn't go through any spectacular training sessions, nor was he spotted through the keen eye of a boxing scout. No, this story is pretty plain and free of all the hyperbole that has spread as quickly as homosexual rumors about Mets catchers.

This is Sgt. Peterson
What really happened was Little Mac was down by the Hudson River cleaning up the bank, when he was jumped by the Gambino crime family. Three guys had him locked up and another guy was getting ready to drop an Oldsmobile on his head from the bridge above. Then Doc Louis showed up with a super atomizer ray, which turned the Gambinos into mini little neutrons. The car then fell off the bridge and was about to kill both of them, when referee Mario swallowed a leaf, flew in, and tackled them both out of the way. They thought they were out of danger, but then a group of bums emerged from under the bridge with broken bottles of booze, threatening to kill them. Just as the fight was about to break out, the bums started laughing and gleefully revealed that they weren't bums at all, but rather were WVBA executives and Wayne Newton. They all then flew to Las Vegas where Little Mac pummeled the hell out of another WVBA prospect in his first match, Wayne Newton put on a concert, and Doc ended up in a hotel room seducing a box of Swiss Cake Rolls.

Like I said, pretty boring.


For both Punch-Out tours, Little Mac was forcefully controlled by millions of people everywhere. The poor guy didn't have time to live life as a normal New York street thug. Just when he thought he had some time to rest, some kid in Pensacola would make him beat Bald Bull again and he'd be forced to go jogging by the Statue Liberty for the 12,000th time that day. It was a tough life to be sure.

Of course, that picture above of him with the belt should show you how incredibly built he got AND how great of a fighter he became. It doesn't, however, show you his depressing plunge into bankruptcy nor his current inability to remember anything that happened more than 45 minutes ago. But even if it did, that smile is so heart-warming that you all would be too busy petting him to listen to his problems.


Little Mac has been freed of the shackles that are your Nintendo Entertainment Systems and he's been living life to its fullest. Still very close to Doc Louis, Mac has found great comfort in indulging in all of Doc's pasttimes: Eating and farting. Nowhere in that list is there time with the speed bag or sparring sessions, but Mac's pretty sure that his legacy will be enough to carry him to the belt yet again. His days of being a physical specimen are over, but the extra 45 pounds (at least) that he's put on have allowed him to purchase an XXL novelty t-shirt that says "Fat is PHAT" and is a great ice-breaker at parties.

With Doc now running the WVBA, Mac did have to find a manager. After finding out that the old man from the The Legend of Zelda was unemployed he quickly hired him. And if you think "Join the Nintendo Fun Club Today, Mac!" was terrible corner advice, you'll have to agree that "Spectacle rock is an entrance to death" is just plain irresponsible.

Owwwwwwwwwwww. Suck it up you girl.
Doc Louis

"Little Mac is like the neglected white teenager that I never was. I needed to make sure I kept him in top fighting shape, which is why I removed all distractions from his life: No outside entertainment, no exposure to direct sunlight (except when jogging), and the removal of any desirability to girls (hence the jogging suit.) Everyone still gets on my ass for that "Fun Club" advice I gave him, but what you suckas don't know is that was code. Code for, 'I'm really a just a chubby guy who knows this cracker is my meal ticket to the top.' Hahaha. I love turkey."


"Little Mac can go to Hell. He'd get sent to the canvas one time by a behemoth talking about "Dreamland...BABY!" and he'd emerge looking like someone rubber-cemented his eyes shut. Toughen up, you pussy. Maybe choosing a real human instead of a bear for a trainer would have been a wise decision. I can't imagine you get much training done when he spends 85% of his time hibernating and growling. He did teach you how to catch salmon with your hands, I know, but when you learn how to use that to defend yourself against the Super Spin Punch, let me know."

Mac's RankingOpponentOpponent RankingOutcome
WC #2Von KaiserWC #42nd Round KO (L)
WC #5Super Macho ManMC #21st Round KO (L)
WC #5Glass JoeMC #22nd Round KO (L)
MC #3Von KaiserWC #52nd Round KO (L)
MC #3King HippoWC #52nd Round KO (L)
<-- Also playing the role of Mac, it's you!!