Remember back when diaries were secret pieces of literature that were supposed to only be read by the author and the author's sneaky brother? With the advent of the internet, the purpose of the diary went from "write down thoughts to keep to myself" to "write down thoughts because the entire world wants to read." This weblog invasion is utterly ridiculous and is sapping the internet of more bandwith than those pop-up ads with the spy camera and almost-naked chicks.
The more you read these things, the dumber you get. You could wrap your lips around a gasoline nozzle and guzzle what shoots out and you would still have more brain cells left than what is required to create your average weblog. As you can see when you read these things, there is a reason that diaries were designed for only one person to read them: Because they and the entries included with them are incredibly stupid.
Weblogs invariably will contain at least these four things:
1) Song lyrics. Every blog has at least one posting that is just song lyrics. Apparently the authors are so moved by the latest Devo single that they have to put it word-for-word on the blog. Here's an example for all you bloggers out there:
Snap, bump, rub
*Panting from exhaustion*
See that above? That's me typing out a scene involving two of my buddies wrestling while under the influence of alcohol. Seeing it in print is not nearly as funny or entertaining as seeing it in person and neither is seeing Britney Spears' latest contrived "song" in text either.
2) About-Me forms. Everyone fills out one of these at least one time. Stuff like, "Would you rather be hugged or kissed?" "Have you ever been in love?" As if you don't already feel like some creepy stalker by reading someone's weblog, now you get to learn if they have a crush and what kind of underwear they are wearing right now.
3) HILARIOUS* e-mail stories. There's always knee-slapping things that people receive in the e-mail that just have to be posted on the weblogs. As if I'm not tired enough already of getting the same made-up stories forwarded to me, now I have to read it on your blog. It's only a matter of time until the bloggers start posting the "enlarge your penis" ads on their blogs and when that happens, I'm trading my computer for some platform cleats.
* read: unbelievably stupid
4) Complete lack of writing skills. Once people start writing in blogs, they lose even the most basic language skills. Observe this phenomenon in the following example:
Me: The cow likes to eat grass.
Blogger: k,,,,so liike thius cow isa out there and it like likes to eat grass!!!!! LOL!!!!
This is your last chance to get out. Proceed with extreme caution and keep a dictionary close by, lest you feel the power of language taught to us by LaVar and School House Rock being attacked by the vile gibberish posing as sentences and clauses on your computer screen.