I've got to admit, it's definitely been a scenario I've considered. With the evolution of internet blogs from hideous eyesores to hideous eyesores with more bandwith, this poor section has a hard time keeping up. Of course the fact that I've invested more time in a Shaquille O'Neal "MONSTER JAM" Tiger handheld in the past year than the blog section doesn't help, but it's still more than a little tempting to relegate this page to special status and never touch it again.

But then, an all-star named jmendez453 came along.

When you look at a page like that, you can't help but be inspired. It's not so much the great literature, but the big pixelated blotches being passed off as photographs that have convinced me that the blog page has a home at And not only did this particular Myspace save the blog page, it became the damn thing. As you can probably notice, it's aesthetic qualities were so overwhelming that in the last conference call of the writers, I threw my arms in the air and said "Fuck it, that's what we're going to do." Then I started applauding loudly for myself and the neighbors told me to keep it down because the rhythmic vibrations of my clapping were upsetting the fermentation process of their latest batch of methamphetamine.

I used to take everyone by the hand and lead you through the blogs. But it's not 2004 anymore and you all have a pretty good idea of what a terrible page looks like and how to navigate through it. A few of you remember the Geocities disasters of the late nineties, more of you are familiar with the unspeakable Xanga era, and almost all of the reader base has had to wade through Myspace pages so they could stalk their ex-girlfriends. At this point, my guiding you through Myspace pages is like the guides that have to take 17 year-olds through fun houses because they are technically minors. It's overkill because cyber fun houses like disheveled carnival ones can be capably tackled by anyone over ten. But I would even serve less of a purpose here, because I don't care if you shit in one of the dark corners because I don't know who would even notice.
It's definitely not every day that I peruse the Hispanic lesbian pages on Myspace (<----Total lie) so I'm not sure if they all look like this, or this is just a special situation. In any case, I believe it's a testament to how far the equality cause has come when nonsensical web designing transcends both racial and sexual orientation barriers. It's wonderful that we can all create horseshit web pages as one people, one nation, and that bad taste knows no boundaries.

While Xanga moved the common novice away from Geocities style web creation, Myspace is throwing all of Xanga's "progress" right back in the toilet. When people first started created web pages, they were fucking overwhelmed by animated Homer Simpson heads and hit counters, so much so that Homer was doing everything from washing his car to fondling Marge on everyone's pages while nineteen hit counters read numbers that were roughly within 75 hits of each other, or of the probable actual visiting count of 200 for entire the website.

The same phenomenon has returned with such a vicious vengeance that it doesn't just permeate it Myspace, it IS Myspace. Juana's page is a pristine example. She could maybe just go with one photo rotator, but she decides to put 69 of them ("69" chosen for double entendre effect) on her page. Not that even one of them looks reasonable for more than ten seconds, but to have them all rotating terrible photography simultaneously on the same page has long past awful and is approaching new adjectives not yet invented. Of course, Juana isn't alone in this crime. A whole brigade of Myspace users has roughly three constant slideshow of their ugly friends rotating at the same time. This is to say nothing of the six surveys and four videos that are omnipresent Myspace staples. I never thought I'd miss the Geocities days. At least I like Homer Simpson.
Being a white kid from North Dakota, I am as much a rap authority as the Woo Child most likely is on country club golfing and John Deere Maximizer combines. Regardless, look at that slogan. Apparently "Vividly interact with the opposite of fake" was thrown out. I liked my rap musicians better when they went by easy to remember and emulate slogans like "I'm gonna smack a bitch." Say what you will, but beating a ho around is a lot easier for me to visualize than a bunch of tools loitering at Sam Goody pretending to experience reality.

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