Lance Armstrongs
These guys get indignant when real drivers question their presence on the road. Settle down, my likely-doping friend. Nobody's questioning your right to get into shape, we'd just rather not have potential pieces of you taking our hood ornaments off in a collision.

Global Positioning Systems
Other than FanPants, this is probably the most useful thing ever to go under the Microscope. And it's a good thing it showed up, because it may be able to locate FanPants, which have unfortunately fallen off the map since that article's first appearance.

Coming up with a web page that isn't based on a commercial? How could you put a price on that?

From the country that brought you the cotton gin, the airplane, and Crystal Clear Pepsi comes the next great invention.

Yahoo's Erin
Yahoo! not only offers 10 megs of e-mail space and an experienced stable of online cribbage players, they also present you with all the tools needed to become a world-renowned wench.

Coors Light
Coors has always been the dim-witted special needs kid in the alcohol advertising class. While past campaigns only required them to be monitored by the counselor, their latest train wreck has officially transferred them out of the general population and right onto the marketing short bus.

Plugged-In Online
I thought the Puritans faded into obscurity centuries ago, but after viewing a certain website I can humbly state that you are all evil and that the witchcraft trials will resume within the year.

Mel Gibson
Most of us got over the Revolutionary War about 220 years ago. Others, however, are still loading their muskets for battle and some of these people happen to be powerful thespians.

Propel Fitness Water
Get an article that's as active as your water is. And if your water is Propel Fitness Water, then your water is as active as a gazelle on amphetamines.