In some countries in the world, people drink whatever water they can find. Whether wild animals or people animals piss into the reservoir, it really doesn’t matter. To stay alive, sometimes you have to drink whatever you can find. This fact makes Gatorade look all the more ridiculous.

To quote a commercial that I just saw tonight, “The question isn't how active are you, it's how active is your water.”

Personally, the last thing I want is active water. “Active water” to me means that the microbe population is abundant and that it’s something than when consumed, is probably going to give you a brutal case of butt pee. I can just imagine myself in the middle of a heated polo game, when I quickly indulge myself in some active water. The next time my horse had to come to a complete stop, the mess would be so brutal that there would be no choice but to send the horse to the glue factory. And because it would be so awfully soiled, the glue that would be made could only be used in things like blast furnaces or houses in Afghanistan.

So maybe this isn’t what Gatorade was going for when they decided to play the water game. But if it wasn’t, then their intended idea is equally stupid. If they are trying to convince me that drinking a special brand of water is going to make me a better athlete, they are gravely mistaken. As we all know, wearing Hanes, Nike, and seeing your doctor about Viagra are the only things that can turn you from this guy…

…to this guy.

Propel Fitness Water. What the fuck is “fitness water?” I’ve heard of bathwater, saltwater, and Barry Goldwater, but Fitness water? What in the world makes this particular blend of H20 worthy of this tag? One theory that has been circulated on the popular Art Bell radio program is that this peculiar substance is not actually water, but rather sweat gathered from sumo wrestling mats. The even more disturbing thing about this is that even if Gatorade came right out said, “This ‘water’ that we are selling you is from the armpits of Japanese fat-asses who slam their gargantuan abdomens together for a living, but obese Japanese guy sweat will propel you to new heights," people would still buy it.

Kids across the world neglected their animals for digital facsimiles.

ABOVE: Giga dog gets kidnapped by a miner.
I guess I really shouldn’t be that surprised. This is the same society that purchased pet rocks, Giga Pets, and Major League Soccer tickets. But don’t we ever reach a point where our gullibility finally reaches an endpoint? I realize that there are certain segments of our population like teenage girls, the elderly, and alcoholics that will purchase anything. But besides overpriced jeans, free vacations that require a credit card number, and Milwaukee’s Best beer, the rest of the marketable goods should require some sort of value to be purchased. But then something like fitness water comes along and throws a whole wrench in that theory once more.

This shouldn’t come as a complete shock, though, since it is perfectly flavored for ultimate hydration. I’m neither a chemist nor an artificial flavorer, but I can guarantee that putting a damn lemon aftertaste in my water is not going to change the way the water reaches my bloodstream any faster. But, could you imagine if this principle was actually true? I think I would probably smear some lime on my gas handle for better gas mileage, some citrus on my computer to make it run faster, and some peach into my dog’s food so that he can run so fast that he erupts into flames.

Buy into whatever the TV tells you and believe whatever Gatorade wants you to believe. But don’t blame me when your pet rock gets pissed off because the Giga Pet stole all its food and your Real Life Chia Grandfather is pissed because you haven’t changed his water in the two years you've owned him.

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In case you were curious, Jerry (pictured above) actually did make that transformation from diaper-wearing lard-toter to chiseled weightlifter. How did he make it happen? Propel Fitness Water of course, in addition to some liposuction, major plastic surgery, anabolic steroids, and various supplements normally fed to racehorses. The success he has found is unbelievable, as he is now playing point guard for a minor league basketball team in Wichita. His coach had this to say about his newest star:

"Yeah, Jerry's been a good addition to the club. Apparently he really reacts to that Propel shit, so we force-feed it to him via IV during timeouts to get him working hard. That hint of lime has turned him from a never-was into a guy who gets at least one rebound per game. The only thing that Propel can't do is potty train someone, so it's still a mess when Jerry craps his diapers during the game."