I know I've complained about it in the past: The seats at Jets' hockey games are as uncomfortable as watching a non-Bill & Ted Keanu Reeves movie. By the time Bob Preece has finished reshaping some Bismarck skulls and the Pounder has collapsed in a puddle of his own alcoholism, my tailbone is pretty much shattered. There are steps that I have taken to remedy this problem: Head to the lobby between periods for refreshments and socializing, standing frequently for key points of the game, and the thought of bringing a Leonard Panthers seat cushion has even crossed my mind before.

Never once have I thought to put an oversized ass in my pants. I guess I'm weird like that.

One thing about internet authoring you need to know is that except for the occasional asinine letter or inquisitive guestbook entry, I don't really know who is going to absorb the brilliance that is abundantly offered here. I very well might be talking to a whole bunch of Larry D. Kuhuskis, people who undoubtedly feel unashamed by announcing that they have a fake ass in their pants for comfort purposes. At least I hope it's for comfort purposes.

Mr. Kuhuski has created this revolutionary product and Tommy Hilfiger, if you're reading this, you better buy the rights quickly before Ralph Lauren beats you to it. Kuhuski realized that people under 50 never bring seat cushions to a sporting contest, most likely because it's a dorky thing to do (unless it says "Leonard Panthers" on it.) Seeing that these people wouldn't dare get caught in public carrying seat cushions, he came to the natural conclusion that having a novelty-sized derriere would be a logically acceptable alternative. He also noticed that since dinosaurs have never eaten his dog's food, the spare tire on his Hyundai must be what's keeping them away but that's a conclusion for another time.

This picture is captioned by the line "Figure 1 is an illustrative view of fans sitting in the bleachers uncomfortably." We can see that the women are the only ones noticeably experiencing discomfort, but I'm positive they're sitting on their hands to protect themselves from the sex offender sitting behind them, and not because they are in pain. This diagram is very useful because it points out objects 12 and 14, essential cogs in the unstoppable FanPants machine. The key tells us that 14 is "seat," which actually is necessary because anybody willing to buy these ridiculous things probably doesn't have the common sense to figure that out. Object 12 is "user," but other important labels such as "air," "sunshine," and "spilled beer" are missing.

Not only does it show off those snappy retro Winstop Cup shirts, Figure 2 lets us in on a couple new details. In addition to pointing out "seat" again, I noticed that 12 now references the FanPants wearer as "dipshit" in the key. I'm sure this was to satisfy the Truth in Advertising requirements. Magic number 16 is, of course, "Pants." Look, the woman clearly is not wearing pants. In fact, I would call those spandex. Then again, it's entirely possible that they are actually pants and her huge ass has caused them ride up past her thighs.

I'm skipping past a bunch of the diagrams because all they do is make sure that we understand the confusing mechanics behind inserting an artificial butt into blue jeans. A couple new numbers emerge in this picture, notably 18 and 26 ("Cushion" and "Logo") respectively, as well as number 28. 28 is simply referred to as "number" in the key. I can only assume that this is the unique ID number that each FanPants owner is assigned in the government's depopulation program. And if we're depopulating, I can't blame Uncle Sam for starting with the people wearing John Candy pants.

Seriously, who wouldn't want to look like this stud? If you answered "me," then you are eligible to be my friend. There are some new numbers on there, and the descriptions in the key are "Fag," "Homo's pants," and "Plum Smuggler's homo head." I think these descriptions are a little offensive if you ask me, but we can all agree that the user's quest for comfortable seating has opened himself up to all of them.

Back to the Microscope

Back to Leonardite.com

FanPants have been graciously invented...

-to provide pants with built in cushions to ease the discomfort of stadium seating

-to provide numbered apparel that could be used to win cash and/or -prizes

to provide padding in the form of an oversized buttocks positioned in the seat of the pants

-to provide pants with padding that can be used as a cushion while seated that come in either long or short pants with various color and fashion schemes

-to provide pants with padding that can be used as a cushion while seated that are made of varying materials such as cotton, denim, spandex, polyester, etc.

-to provide pants with padding that contain the logo of a specific team or athlete

-to provide pants with padding that can be used as a cushion while seated that contain a unique serial number on each item

-to provide apparel such as hats, sweatshirts and jackets manufactured with a unique serial number

These two adorable members of the KHS Class of '02 will give their approval to pretty much anything....except for FanPants. I've never discussed the Sir Mixalot Dungarees with Chelsea, but if I did, I'm sure there'd be one thing that she would start nitpicking on. That, of course, would be the labeling system which I'm referring to as "gluteus numberus." Kuhuski is making a couple of bold leaps here in thinking that this would ever come to fruition. First of all, he's assuming somebody's actually going to use real currency to buy these pants. It could happen. Somebody also might buy my used contact lenses someday. The next two leaps of faith assume that a large number of people will purchase the offending clothing, and that arena operators everywhere will clamor to reward the chubby herd with prize giveaways.

Assume for a second that this all comes true. Imagine that you are sitting at a game when the announcer calls out, "Would fatass number 7332 please come to the scorers' table, you have just won a Monster Burger combo and ten minutes of public humiliation!" Great idea. Almost as good as the pants themselves. If you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. And remember I'm being sarcastic for Chelsea, because I'm sure this pisses her off.