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I'm accusing suspect #2 of some sort of bribery

After a week away from my computer, the Tecmo ballers were ready to renew acquaintances on an extra seven days' rest. Perhaps this will cause a Buffalo loss. Then again, I've been playing this since I was in second grade and if they haven't stopped cheating by now, I doubt they ever will.

Game of the Week: Buffalo vs. Chicago

Dallas Cowboys (4-0) vs. New York Giants (2-2)

The Cowboys are still trying to convince us all that they're for real, but they really blew a good chance to solidify their case in this one. Not that I'm at all surprised, but it was kind of heart-wrenching to see Babe Laufenberg consoling a sobbing Jack Del Rio on the sideline.

Final Score: New York Giants-17 Dallas-14

Kansas City (3-1) vs. San Diego (0-4)

The Chiefs squandered Steve DeBerg's perfect day passing by allowing a safety and a win to the Chargers. Losing to the Chargers is embarassing. Really embarassing. After the game Marty Schottenheimer got caught by a news crew naked at a strip club, pulling dollars out of a male stripper's thong with his teeth, and the only questions they asked him dealt with Billy Joe Tolliver's 219 yards passing.

Final Score: San Diego-23 Kansas City-21

Miami Dolphins (3-1) vs. New York Jets (2-2)

At first I thought it was pretty cool when I saw the Jets win this game, but I realized that it's just a part of the recurring conspiracy to allow the Bills to run away with the East yet again.

Final Score: New York Jets-24 Miami-21

Green Bay Packers (4-0) vs. Los Angeles Rams (2-2)

Following this humbling loss to the Rams, a reporter went up to Packers' coach Lindy Infante and asked him to comment on the "brutal shit-kicking delivered by the superior athletes from Los Angeles." Infante snapped. The coach told the reporter that if he ever sugarcoated a loss like that again, Infante was going to jam Chris Jacke up his ass.

Final Score: Los Angeles Rams-31 Green Bay-7

Denver Broncos (3-1) vs. Minnesota Vikings (0-4)

Apparently everyone is breaking their perfect streaks this week, as the Vikings brought out AutoFuad in overtime to put away the Broncos in overtime.

Final Score: Minnesota-30 Minnesota-27 (OT)

Los Angeles Raiders (2-2) vs. San Francisco 49ers (3-1)

I was still fuming about Buffalo's bullshit win so I was hoping the game's other favorite team would lose. Fat chance.

Final Score: San Francisco-31 Los Angeles Raiders-21

Atlanta (2-2) vs. New Orleans (3-1)

This game ended up being a smorgasbord of passing yards as Chris Miller once again went crazy and led the Falcons to a clutch OT victory over their divisional rivals.

Final Score: Atlanta-31 New Orleans-28 (OT)

New England (1-3) vs. Phoenix (1-3)

In a game looked forward to by absolutely nobody and their uncles, Phoenix topped New England. And then both teams fled before the four fans in the stands could come onto the field and beat them in a pickup game.

Final Score: Phoenix-28 New England-20

Indianapolis (1-3) vs. Seattle (1-3)

Albert Bentley came into this game the NFL's leading rusher and solidified his spot by racking up 111 yards. Of course his team got obliterated, but when you're Indianapolis, you can't nitpick on little details like that.

Final Score: Seattle-34 Indianapolis-14

Detroit (1-3) vs. Tampa Bay (0-4)

Thank God for Tampa Bay. I was worried we were going to lose our final winless squad, but Eddie Murray ended those fears and yet another overtime game with his boot.

Final Score: Detroit-27 Tampa Bay-24 (OT)

Philadelphia (2-2) vs. Washington (1-3)

Frankie Says Relax? Well after QB Eagles came sprinting out of the hospital, Jim McMahon got to. Not surprisingly, the Eagles also won the football game.

Final Score: Philadelphia-24 Washington-21

New York Jets3-2
New England1-4


Kansas City3-2
Los Angeles Raiders2-3
San Diego1-4

New York Giants3-2

Green Bay4-1
Tampa Bay0-5

San Francisco4-1
Los Angeles Rams3-2
New Orleans3-2

Player of the Week

The "player" of the week for Week 5 is the referee who completely hosed Brad Muster and the Bears. If not for him, the Monsters of the Midway would still be undefeated.

Sterling Sharpe- GB
Neal Anderson- CHI

Freeman McNeil- JET (Week 3)

QB Eagles- PHI (Week 3)

Coming next week...

- Week 6 results
- Player of the Week
-Game of the Week: Denver vs. Houston