[Leonardite.com] [Tecmo Home] [Season] [Players] [Teams] [Guests] [E-Mail] [Guestbook]


I'm getting depressed here. Dallas and Green Bay both lost their first games of the year and Minnesota won their first, so our perfect seasons are rapidly disappearing. I know I for one would like to see Chicago keep their unblemished record intact, but it's going to be tough in this one.

I should point out before the game starts that Chicago is my favorite team on this game and on the real gridiron. Also, the Tecmo Bills operate at a level of personal affection just below tuberculosis and hangnails. I vow, however, not to let these biases affect my objective coverage of this game.

First Quarter

The beautifully talented Kevin Butler kicked the ball off to Don Smith, who removed his tongue from Frank Reich's mouth long enough to return the ball out to the 35.

Bills Drive #1


And the pope rejoices!
On third down and 11, Jamie Mueller of all people breaks through the line and fucking hauls off on Mark Carrier. Mueller sprints in a haze of his own dishonesty, feeding off the Tecmo cheat codes to get deep into Chicago territory.

After an initial five-yard gain by Thurman Thomas, Samurai Mike said "enough is enough....sucka" ("Sucka" not actually spoken by Singletary, but added for dramatic effect) and tallied two consecutive sacks. Wide-right Norwood trots onto the field for the 54 yarder, but ingeniously fools us all by hooking it wide left.

Bears Drive #1

Like any team with Neal Anderson would do, the Bears go with three straight shotgun plays. On 3rd and 10, Harbaugh finally completes his first pass, a 30-yarder to James Thornton, a man who knows he has to make plays in order to keep the one-man wrecking crew that is Cap Boso on the bench.

The Bears finally come to their senses and run the ball, highlighted by a 3rd down TD scamper by Mr. Anderson.

7-0, Chicago


Get used to this scene
Bills Drive #2

Naturally the Bills can't let us celebrate for even a moment, as they deliver the quick kick to the teeth in the form of a 50-yard bomb to Andre Reed on first down. And the ultimate molar remover came on the next snap, a 25-yard strike to Reed for 6.

7-7

End of 1st Quarter: Buffalo-7 Chicago-7

Second Quarter

Bears Drive #2

Norwood stayed right in character by screwing up again, getting the ball only to the 45. The Bears looked like they were going to squander this good starting position, but Harbaugh again shocked the world and himself by delivering a clutch pass on 3rd down that ended in Ron Morris's hands on the Bills' five.

Neal Anderson raises his femininely-gloved hand in celebration
The next play saw Neal Anderson trotting into the end zone and Captain America saluting in pride this gloriously patriotic scene.

14-7, Chicago

Bills Drive #3

Of course it only took Buffalo two plays to gain 60 yards on a run and reception by Thurman Thomas. Thomas ran the ball twice more before he was flapping his arms in the end zone. Osama bin Laden then beat a wife in celebration of his favorite team evening the score.

14-14

Bears Drive #3

The Bears are 2 for 2 on their drives so far and another worthless kickoff by Scott Norwood has put them in business. The first four plays were all runs, resulting in a first down and only a minute left to go in the half. On second and five, Harbaugh connects with Wendell Davis bringing Da Bears down to the the 18. Harbaugh then tries to throw the ball five yards downfield into triple coverage, but it's apparently too early in the game yet for the Bills defense to start stockpiling turnovers.

I seriously considered changing "Bills" to "Whores" in this picture, but I figured you were already doing it in your mind
Harbaugh fits one more incompletion in before the Chicago coaching staff sends Kevin Butler onto the field with 23 seconds left, not because they felt there was not enough time left to go for six, but because they need to get to the locker room to change their tampons.

Of course Butler totally shanks the 35 yarder and the pussies coaching the Bears get what they deserve.

Bills Drive #4

The Bills produce an incompletion and an irrelevant run before sending us to the half.

End of 2nd Quarter: Buffalo-14, Chicago-14

Halftime

Hey, new show! First we get the blimp, followed by the underratedly hot winking midriff chick. Then the marching band streamed by and if movies have taught me anything, I'm sure they were trampling somebody or something. The final scene was reserved for the panty shot, but the sports bra chick closed it out instead. That's not bad, but it's like getting Black Sheep when you really want Tommy Boy.

3rd Quarter

Bears Drive #4

After an errant Grogan-like mortar shot to start the half, Harbaugh connects with Wendell Davis to bring the ball down to the Buffalo 25. Chicago follows it up with a one-yard run by Muster, a badly overthrown ball by Harbaugh, and some amateur chiropractic work by Shane Conlan on the Chicago QB.

Butthead comes out to try and redeem himself from 42. Successful try.

17-14, Chicago

Bills Drive #5


King Norwood the Rightshanks
I'm getting a little worried. We haven't had any turnovers yet and I think we can all be more than reasonably sure as to which team is eventually going to rack them up.

Thurman Thomas uses two runs to pick up a first down to start things off. QB Bills throws my favorite Tecmo pass behind the lateral, the vertical bullet to Thomas. Fortunately for us all, it's incomplete. Thomas is stuffed on second down, but the Bills rub it in our faces yet again by going Mueller-style on 3rd and 6 to pick up yet another first down.

Thomas picks up 11 yards right away and then QB Bills has Andre Reed wide open in the end zone but incredibly overthrows him. The Bills are unsure of how to react, as the correcting powers of the programming usually turn their errant plays into Hall-of-Fame performances. The Bears come up huge on the next two plays, forcing Buffalo to tie up the game with Norwood.

17-17

Bears Drive #5

Following a great return by Johnny Bailey, Neal Anderson busts loose down to the Bills' 15 as the third quarter expires.

End of 3rd Quarter: Buffalo-17, Chicago-17

4th Quarter

Bears Drive #5 (Continued)


Michael Jackson?
The Bears go back to the same play, which is swallowed up by the entire city of Buffalo. How Anderson went without dying or more importantly, fumbling, is beyond my comprehension. But apparently he got wounded pretty badly because after the next lead, Anderson has become a white man and is being carried off the field.

They attempt to give the ball to Mark Green on the play that originally got Anderson smeared. If we're talking actual distance that Green moved on my screen before being swarmed, it was about half the width of a penny. And not a normal-sized penny, but one of those smaller pennies the government released in the early seventies for undesirable children to swallow and choke on. Butthead then bangs his field goal attempt off the upright and I just hocked a loogie on the screen.

Bills Drive #6

The Bills run two horrible plays to put themselves at 3rd and 14, but this has to be just false hope again. I'm sure Mueller will find a way to receive a reverse pass from a cheerleader and then lateral it to Rick Tuten who will streak (literally. No clothes. Don't ask why) for a touchdown. Sure enough, Andre Reed couldn't be any more fucking wide open as he sprints to the end zone. Child molesters everywhere rejoice at the their favorite team scoring a touchdown.

24-17, Buffalo

Bears Drive #6

The Bears have it on their own 35 with 3:05 left. And without Neal Anderson, you can be the judge of how a Jim Harbaugh-reliant team is going to fare.


This is so unbelievably hardcore
The Bears are stuck 3rd and 8 right away but there's hope on 3rd down. Every receiver is completely uncovered and Harbaugh goes with the safe choice, the man who practices every day with Cap. Thornton hauls it in and brings it down to the 8. But I think we needed him to score there, because I don't trust the Bears offense. Sure enough, we're down to 4th and goal at the 2. The tension is so thick, you could cut it with Neal Anderson's shattered leg.

The Bears go with a lead to Muster!..................he's stuffed on the zero yard line. I kid you not. Half his body is laying in the end zone. Apparently he had a shoelace that didn't make it across. I've just broken my keyboard.

Bills Drive #7

The Bills sure looked funny taking their first down snap right under the goalpost, but apparently that's legal for them. Mark Carrier intercepted a pass as time expired, but those cockmasters still escaped with the win and now taunted us by finally turning the ball over.

Closing Thought

The game loves the Bills. It never changes. Just to prove that I don't love them and that we aren't going to take it anymore, the player of the game is.................Cap Boso. Suck on that one, Marv Levy.


Leonardite.com