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Real Life Career:

Harry Galbreath is a guy that I knew absolutely nothing about, but after giving him the super sweet "name recognition award" in my Miami Dolphins Profile, I felt that he was the man who most deserved to be individually profiled first from that squad. Below is the link to Harry's career stats.

(You will not leave this page if you click the link):

Harry Galbreath Career Stats

I am sure I am breaking some rule of internet etiquette here, considering that I am about to belittle the work of someone I'm linking to, but let's all be honest here for one second. There is barely a bit of useful information on that page. Sure, I see the teams that Harry played for, the amount of games played, and the fumble recovery that he had in 1989 that left him just a few hundred votes short of the hall of fame. But really, couldn't we have put something fun or useful in there? Perhaps we could include pancakes issued to opposing defenders. Or maybe it would be more fun if we tallied pancakes issued to his stomach which, as evidenced by this recent picture of our man, would be abnormally high for a post-Ice Age land mammal.

To play nine years in the NFL is quite an accomplishment, but by viewing his stats on that particular page, you would think it was about as newsworthy as a Hollywood wedding. But then again, quiet commitment and devotion to a good cause aren't newsworthy traits............except here at Leonardite.com. But to be honest, if it hadn't been for Tecmo, I probably wouldn't have a clue who he was either. Sorry, man.

For those of you curious, Harry is now the offensive line coach at Tennessee State University, but may leave his post if a more lucrative and tasty offer comes along from Wendy's or similar discount burger chain.

Tecmo Career:

People who fear the day that cloning becomes a widespread reality need to open their eyes and see that cloning has been going on since the release of Tecmo Bowl (TSB's player-deficient older brother.) The linemen in this game are all essentially just assembly line robots who are given different uniforms and races, which in the case of Dan Saleamua, isn't always correct. Of course old Dan is a defensive lineman, so at least he does have some unique characteristics given to him in addition to his newfound Aryan status.

The typical day for Tecmo Harry consists of curiously morphing into a new super-organism with the lineman opposite him and ducking out of the way of Dan Marino's deadly passes. Once in awhile he may even get the opportunity to kick a fumbled football aimlessly around the field with fifteen other players. Once in a very great while, he may even be the sixteenth guy smart enough to grab the ball and take off for paydirt. As his career stats show, Harry does have experience with this particular pursuit, so when he does recover a fumble on Tecmo, it must be conceded that Tecmo is the most realistic simulation of football and life in general that the civilized world has yet conceived.

With cool technology like this, it's a wonder that we haven't all sacrificed ourselves to our computers.
Now I don't know about you, but when I play Tecmo I don't pay a lot of attention to the battles in the trenches. I am far too busy trying to embed my controller in the picture tube and stringing together various obscenities to notice that Richmond Webb just got catapulted by Jerry Ball. With this in mind, I became the first person in the New World to select the "Com vs. Com" option in Tecmo and therefore, watch two computer teams battle it out. My purpose for this was to watch Harry for ten straight plays and summarize his performance on each one. And to give him a chance to shine, I pitted him against the Patriots. Let's see how he fared:

Play 1: The Dolphins run off guard, or to us, OFF GALBREATH (yeah, baby!). The run goes for about three yards. Harry tries to pick up left end Ray Agnew, but is quickly enveloped in a wave of sprites. He quickly becomes indistinguishable from the blob that the players have now become.

Play 2: The Dolphins try to go around the end opposite of Galbreath. BAD MOVE. The Dolphins swallow up the play for a three yard loss. It should be noted that Ray Agnew, however, was handily tied up away from the play by Galbreath.

Play 3: Spiro tries to pass rush on third down, but runs into the brick wall known as Galbreath. His advance is halted quicker than Roger Clemens' retirement. Unfortunately, there is only one Galbreath on the line. Tim Goad breaks free on the other side and obliterates Marino.

Play 4: The Dolphins elect to execute a "punt kick." Galbreath is tied up by Agnew, but the enigmatic Reggie Roby frees him as they streak down the field. Galbreath is the second to arrive, but runs headlong into two wrestling players and is vaulted five yards backwards onto the NFL shield. He is seen shaking his head in disgust or possibly confusion as he returns to his feet.

After the Patriots ran their vintage offense of three wild throws by Steve Grogan and a subsequent punt kick from Brian Hansen, the Dolphins regain the ball.

Play 5: The Dolphins run a nifty playaction pass with Harry faking a lead block around the right side. As Marino looks to pass, Galbreath wanders downfield illegally by at least ten yards. Ronnie Lippett gets pissed and knocks him back to next Tuesday, but by this point Marino has already gained thirteen yards running the ball.

Play 6: Galbreath and Spiro lock up for what seems like an eternity as Marino takes a quick nap in the pocket between looking for receivers. Galbreath finally ditches Agnew three yards downfield, but also falls in the process. It doesn't matter--Marino throws a horseshit pass that gets picked off.

After inexplicably picking up a first down, the Patriots take the lead as Jason Staurovsky hits a 47-yarder as time expires in the first quarter. Staurovsky then booms the hell out of the kickoff and Marc Logan nearly has to catch the ball off the goalpost in the end zone. He is swarmed under at his own one yard line, where the Dolphins take over.

Play 7: Galbreath locks Agnew up with ease as the Dolphins run a dive with Sammie Smith. The play goes three yards before Smith gets the fumblies and coughs up the football. The players all kick the ball mindlessly around long enough for Galbreath to get in on the action, before Garin Veris finally gains a modicum of coordination and picks up the football. He sheds one guy at the three before being stopped at the one-yard line by a diving Sammie Smith.

The Patriots score on the first play of the drive on, of all things, a scramble by Steve Grogan. Don Shula is heard remarking on the sidelines that he feels as though his face was urinated upon on that play. Staurovsky comes back to his usual self and kicks the ball off all the way to the forty-yard line. Logan brings it past the fifty where the Dolphins, who have turned it over on their last two plays, take over.

Play 8: The Miami line forgets to come out for the first play and Dan Marino is swamped by eight Patriots. Garin Veris gets the sack.

Play 9: The line shows up, but are Gatorade-logged and very lethargic. Agnew bops Galbreath instantly and nearly beheads Marino as he records the sack.

Play 10: On 3rd and 28, Galbreath pulls like the pro he is as he leads Smith around the corner. He picks up a linebacker and Smith picks up thirteen yards, but not nearly enough for the first down.

The Dolphins then punt kicked and the Patriots picked up a first down, but I quit watching after that so I'll assume that New England ended up winning 74-5.


It's time to break down the attributes of Harry Galbreath, who appears to have been on crack or a similar narcotic in the picture above.

Running Speed- 25
I really hate to say that Harry is slow, because that would probably make him feel bad, but I've seen lawn gnomes that get up and down the field faster than him. In fact, I would be willing to bet that there are certain toddlers who, if given the right amounts of encouragement and Red Bull, might just get a faster 40 time than him. Of course Harry could just sit on them and probably take care of that problem, but I would be willing to bet that the children's crippled remains might still be able to limp across the line before Harry.

Rushing Power- 69
There's nothing really to say here except that since rushing power is a useless stat for linemen, the programmers thought they would be funny by making his rushing power "69." This isn't junior high anymore. That stuff might pass in Japan, but we're above that here, pervs.

Maximum Speed- 38
This is the speed attained in unusual circumstances such as running down a fumble or chasing after a doughnut that rolls onto the field.

Hitting Power- 63
Harry's hitting power of 63 apparently means something since the programmers didn't decide to refer to their juvenile humor in ranking it. If I had to make an educated guess, I would have to say that hitting power is the amount of armed SWAT members it would take it haul down an incensed Galbreath in a bar fight or All-You-Can-Eat buffet.