The Miami Dolphins are the Billy Ripken and Mike Maddux of Tecmo Super Bowl. No, they didn't have obscenities written on their bats, but they could just as well have, because everybody seems to forget about these guys. The reason for this, of course, is that they share the division with their much more talented older brothers, the Buffalo Bills. When it comes to evaluating the AFC East, you get a unanimous "Buffalo's #1 easily......no contest."
This is a fair assessment of three of the teams, including the New England Wheelchair Football team who was included in the game by mistake. But as far as the Phins are concerned, they deserve some respect.
During any season, the Dolphins nearly always make the playoffs. Sporting a balanced attack of offense, defense, and Isotoner glove commercials, the Dolphins are not too shabby. In fact, they would easily end up on my list of the ten best teams.
So what gives? Why does everyone forget about Miami? Quick, name me two Dolphins besides Dan Marino. Alright, so you got Reggie Roby right, but hey, who forgets about a black punter? But I bet you struggled, if only momentarily, to get the other one.
The Dolphins are a team made up of above-average role-players. Without "Laser Limb" Marino, they'd be nothing. But with him, the sum of the parts equal, well, an 11-man football team. But hey, that's more than any of the original Tecmo Bowl teams could boast. So give the Dolphins a chance at least. After meeting these forgotten stepchildren, then you can go ahead and call them all the lewd nicknames you want.
Dan Marino, the patron saint of quarterbacking in Tecmo. Sure, QB Eagles has the wheels and Warren Moon has the receivers, but the best quarterback in the game resides in Miami. The one thing that stands about Marino right away is his pass
The overwhelming accuracy, greatness, and power of Marino is nearly offset by his backup, Scott Mitchell. You might remember Scott as the man who was supposed to save the Detroit Lions in the late 90's or as the guy who sold you a Big Gulp late last week. But in Tecmo, he is the hapless backup to Dan Marino. Let's just say that when Marino goes down, bookies are paying gamblers to wager on the Dolphins. It's a phenomenon not seen since the Rich Kotite era.
In the end, though, even Mitchell's reservoir of suck can't bring Marino down.
With Dan Marino's penchant for sonic boom passes, the backs on this team tend to get overlooked. Even if it weren't for Marino's passes, that snub might be justified. Halfback, Sammie Smith is about as fragile as Deion Sanders in a fight against Ken Shamrock. When the season starts, Sammie is speedy and is able to run all over the field. "Ahhhh, no one dimensional team for me!" you think. By the team week three rolls around, there are disabled veterans that are passing Sammie on the field. Which is appropriate, because he's due to get hurt two or three times during the season anyway.
His fullback, Tony Paige, is even worse. This guy is even less swift than when Smith gets his case of the slows. To get an idea of Paige's running style, think Craig Heyward, Brad Muster, or Christian Okoye. Now take away the hitting power of all three of those guys and you are left with a black Rick Fenney. Yikes.
On the bench is the actual star of this corps. Marc Logan has all the speed of Sammie Smith with none of the durability issues. He serves as a very quality kick returner and can be inserted for Smith when he gets hurt without any problems.
The other backup, Troy Stradford, is pretty much worthless so unless you are related to him or possibly are him, I would avoid putting him between the sidelines.
The class of this group is obviously the "Marks Brothers", Mark Duper and Mark Clayton. These guys were awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor in 1990 for their bravery in the face of life-threatening passes. While both have suffered numerous broken ribs and bouts of amnesia, they continue to stand in and accept the passes from Marino. Clayton is a little faster than Duper, which makes him the star of this group, but both are more than adequate receivers.
Our two backups are Tony Martin and Fred Banks. Tony Martin, while a famous name, is nothing short of lousy on Tecmo. Banks, on the other hand, is notable for two reasons. First, his rushing power is 81. To put this in perspective, "bruiser" Tony Paige's rushing power is 75. Pretty impressive for a wide receiver. The other impressive thing about Fred Banks is his Metallica roadie-mullet:
Rock on dude.
Ferrell Edmunds is the starter and he's a pretty good one. Not only does he have pretty soft hands for a guy that pixelated, but he also has some decent speed, too. In the most recent game I played with the Dolphins, Edmunds was in "bad" condition and still tore up the turf. The only problem for him is that the Marks tend to get all the passes thrown to them.
The backup, Jim Jensen, is the stadium plumber who was brought on the team to round out the roster.
Left Tackle: Richmond Webb
Left Guard: Keith Sims
Center: Jeff Uhlenhake
Right Guard: Harry Galbreath
Right Tackle: Mark Dennis
Richmond Webb gets the nod as MVP because he is the only one with name recognition, but Harry Galbreath gets the name recognition award because "Harry Galbreath" is one sweet name.
The Tecmo Dolphins are an under-looked team. The main standout for the fish is the fact that Marino throws a freeken laser beam everytime he drops back. He has a passing speed of 81. Only one other quarterback in the league matches that. (17 pride points to the person who can email me the answer without looking it up. He's a wild card!) The phins have a stimy playbook also. My play of choice is the "Pro T Flare C". It isolates Mark Clayton all the way down the field. "Pro T Waggle L," otherwise known as the big white ouch, also leaves Mark one on one.
The defense struggles, however. My player of choice is Jeff Cross. Thats right, Jeff Cross. He's the guy that starts with the #1 atop his head. A dreaded starting position. But with a speed of 69, he's your best option. When playing the Dolphins, fear never really sets in though. Until 4th down ENTERS--thats right, Reggie Roby. The only black punter in the game. Kicking Ability--75. Black Power and Pure Intimidation--100%. All he does is punt the ball, but if he were to do more, mmmmmmmmmmm boy.
The guy who is good in this group is Jeff Cross, the Left End. Pretty speedy usually, he isn't too bad. He starts in a terrible spot, however, and his talents aren't enough to make up for that. Shawn Lee is the mediocre lineman. When analyzing a nose tackle, we all know the lurch is the only thing that counts. Shawn isn't an especially fast lurcher, but he will get the job done with most quarterbacks. If you are facing a quarterback with some decent speed (I.E., not Anthony Dilweg), don't pick Lee. The right end, Karl Wilson, sucks even if he's in excellent condition. I can see no reason for picking him unless you were the loser of some cruel, cruel bet.
Life is always better when you are on the inside, or so the Dolphins think. The outside linebackers in this group, David Griggs (Left) and Hugh Green (Right) are pathetic. I'm not going to waste my time on them.
Two of the gems of this defense play the middle backer spots. Cliff Odom, at RILB, is a pretty speedy guy. So, too, is Zack Thomas.........er.........John Offerdahl. The route to go with these guys is check which one is in better condition and then pick him. No matter what, these two are probably your best options on the Miami defense.
As far as the Defensive Backs are concerned, the typical Buffalo Bills bias comes into play here. When looking at the roster, you'd think that Louis Oliver and Tim McKyer would be the studs of this unit. But you'd also think that Bill Walton might stop talking one of these days. No, the game instead sabotages two fine athletes and makes them marginal players at best. Stupid Bills lovers, I hate the Tecmo Bills and their cronies in the Tecmo programming department.
But there is a ray of hope. Jarvis Williams is a fine choice at strong safety, if you are the kind of person who likes to control defensive backs. If you are the kind of person who likes to control defensive backs who don't know how to play football, then I highly recommend J.B. Brown.
Pete Stoyanovich is a good kicker. I don't really have anything to add to that besides
Finkel is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkel. Laces out, DAN.
The man, Reggie Roby. Everyone wants to be the Dolphins just so they can get a hold of Reggie. Roby is a definitely an enigma. He just has this swagger and this air of mystery surrounding him like, "You know, that guy could probably beat the hell out of the entire olympic judo team and yet, he just silently punts. Oh man, I better not be in the same room as him when he finally snaps out of it..."
Yes, Roby is a silent killer. He's like an inactive volcano waiting to erupt. And the question is not IF he will, but WHEN he will. I don't want to speculate on the aftermath, but let's just say there will be twenty one less humans on this earth the day he does go off.
The Dolphins have an adequate play book. It's nothing overly special, but it gets the job done. So basically, it is like the team itself. The run plays are pretty mediocre, just like the running backs who execute them. T Power Sweep R (Upper Left) is the best running play, in that it also sets up the playaction Pro T Waggle L (Lower Left). It isn't a great play, but it's the best you've got. T Cross Run L (Top, 2nd from right) is also a good play, but Tony Paige is too slow to run it.
The passing plays work pretty well. Pro T Waggle L would be a decent play, but the Big White Ouch (The uncontrollable rollout by the QB) makes this impossible to use against human players. Otherwise, the two passes on the right work well for going deep, and Shotgun X Curl (Bottom, 2nd from left) works well to pick up 10-15 yards.
I really like the Dolphins. Dan Marino is certainly the superstar of the team and everyone else just kind of falls in line. Except for the Bears, Bills, Oilers, Chiefs, Raiders, 49ers, Giants, Eagles, and Lions, there's nobody else I'd rather be.
But seriously, watch out for Roby. He's going to kill somebody one of these days.