With the NFL season wrapping up, we're all going to be looking for our football fix. The Arena Football League lost its luster when the Iowa Barnstormers ripped the heart from Des Moines and moved away and there's still two months until people stare at the TV watching Mel Kiper scream like a carnival barker about some lineman from McNeese State.
So what's a guy to do when there's no real football to watch? You've got to turn to Tecmo, of course. On a weekly basis, Leonardite.com is going to be running a Tecmo Super Bowl league. This isn't some online league where you're all going to get to play. It's so exclusive, even I'm not allowed to be in it. Instead, I'm going to simulate the season and break it down, bit-by-bit. There'll be no auto-skipping of games, as we'll need to be kept abreast of Marino's five hundred yard passing games and Vai Sikahema's latest pulled ovary.
From Week 1 through the Mighty Bombjack show, I will also be showcasing one game per week. It might be the best game on the docket, it may be a Cowboys game for no other reason than Babe Laufenberg is starting under center. The important thing is that we'll all get an even more in-depth look at what promises to be another incredible season of decade-old, primitively-coded Nintendo football.
I was going to run the season on the actual cartridge for maximum Tecmo radicality, but I have decided to go emulator-style for screen-capturing capability. Keep in mind that while the league will be emulator-based, I will not mess with the code in any way and that I can be described as nothing other than a huge dork for watching NES football games on my computer. But if coolness was a major concern, I would've stopped gelling my cowlick and wearing corduroy suspenders ten years ago.
With the ground rules set, it's time for my fearless predictions brought to you courtesy of fourteen years of Tecmo gaming and sixteen years of public education.
American Football Conference
1) Buffalo Bills
I've never met a person that didn't hate the Tecmo Bills. And if I ever do, it's probably going to really hurt when I backhand him in the groin. The reason we all hate Buffalo is because the game loves them so much. I'm not going to be surprised at all when the Bills are mysteriously allowed to play fifteen guys in the playoffs and when Thurman Thomas spends the last half of the season flying around the field in a spaceship.
2) Miami Dolphins (Wild Card)
The Dolphins are one of the five best teams in the AFC but are burdened with having humans on their team, rather than indestructible cyborgs like their counterparts in Buffalo. Dan Marino looks ready for another season of receiver decapitation and John Offerdahl will continue to play some pretty mean linebacker, but there's still no way they're making it out of the first round in the playoffs.
3) New York Jets
Ken O.Brien leads one of the most blase` teams in the game into another mediocre season of Tecmo football. They might finish anywhere from 4-12 to 8-8, which adds another year of non-playoff-participation to their already stellar legacy.
4) Indianapolis Colts
The Colts are going to barely edge out the Patriots in their competition to not suck the most. Their fourth place AFC East finish will be about as meaningful as the WNBA's existence, but at least Albert Bentley will encourage crowd participation when fans will help pick up pieces of him every time he gets tackled or injured (same thing.)
5) New England Patriots
In a move that is long overdue, the United States government will add the Patriots to the "Axis of Evil" list, not because of their losing streak or genuine awfulness, but because one of Steve Grogan's passes is going to bring down an F-15 in week 4.
1) Houston Oilers
Buoyed by their insanely good playbook, quarterback, receivers, tailback, and linebacker, the Oilers will once again coast into the playoffs. Then they will coast right onto the golf course as Kansas City kicks their asses yet again.
2) Pittsburgh Steelers (Wild Card)
Armed with the best defense in the league, the Steelers will put together a solid record and make the playoffs as a Wild Card team. In addition to this, they will also win a playoff game. I would expect Dwight Stone to amass around 17,000 yards on kickoff returns and Bubby Brister to throw for nearly 47 yards.
3) Cincinnati Bengals
The Bengals are going to start the season slowly and then rally furiously only to fall short and not make the playoffs. S. Jennings will also try to claim that his name is "Stanford," but nobody will care. If some crazy Japanese programmer tells us it's "S.", we damn well better listen.
4) Cleveland Browns
The thrill-a-minute Browns will take the field with their high-octane offense of Kevin Mack up the gut and Eric Metcalf through the three hole. The Browns are expecting to 32 Dive their way right into a 4-12 season.
1) Seattle Seahawks
Further exploiting some weird glitch that makes the woeful-to-control Seahawks win simulated football games, the boys from Starbucksville will take the AFC West crown. They will also have the distinction of being the only team in the NFL playoffs with a convicted murderer starting at wide receiver.
2) Kansas City Chiefs (Wild Card)
Barry Word has been running extra wind sprints and Christian Okoye has been running through extra-thrick concrete walls this offseason in preparation for another playoff run. Derrick Thomas was also spotted sprinting late last week, but contact was lost with him when he violated the E=MC-squared relativity theory and ended up in 1756 Paris.
3) Denver Broncos
John Elway will deliver his standard underachieving Tecmo season and the Broncos will fully utilize the speed of Bobby Humphrey by giving him two dive plays to work with. Steve Atwater promises to intercept a lot of passes, but even that coupled with the "dangerous" Vance Johnson reverse won't get the Broncos into January.
4) Los Angeles Raiders
When it comes to simulated games, the Raiders just don't care. Making it to .500 doesn't seem to be high on their list of things to do. Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen could carry them to the playoffs if it excited them, but their preoccupation with hip-dislocating probably assures us that yet again, it's not going to be the Raiders' year.
5) San Diego Chargers
Marion Butts is a fully-serviceable running back capable of carrying the Chargers to a few wins. But he's also prone to injury and when the Chargers enter Joe Caravello Land, they're totally screwed. And when you have to look to the rubber arm of Fellatio Tolliver to pick up the slack, it's time to count your losses and go home.
National Football Conference
1) New York Giants
The embarassment of riches that the Giants have been blessed with is set to carry them to a deep playoff run. Phil Simms and David Meggett will once again post career years, and opposing teams will take the unusual step of naming Lawrence Taylor as kick-holder, since he usually takes the snap on kicks anyway.
2) Washington Redskins (Wild Card)
Sporting the most bizarre playbook on the game, the Redskins will triple pre-snap motion their way to an improbable playoff spot. While other teams might be more skilled than the Skins, they have the experience of being the real-life 1991 champions and the savvy fumbling of Earnest Byner to propel them to the next level.
3) Philadelphia Eagles
Proving once again that playing with only one guy on offense doesn't win championships, the enigmatic QB Eagles and his similarly named team will narrowly miss the playoffs. The shocker of the season will occur when QB Eagles will be revealed to be not Randall Cunningham, but a heavily-steroided Ben Johnson. This will come to light when Johnson sprints sixty-seven yards to the end zone in under four seconds against the Cowboys, and then proceeds to rip the goalpost out of the ground in celebration.
4) Dallas Cowboys
Still a few years away from having their players coded to be "talented," the wholly mediocre Cowboys will bumble their way to an unspectacular season. Emmitt Smith will show flashes of brilliance, but the extended durations of shittiness exhibited by the rest of the team will completely bury his contributions.
5) Phoenix Cardinals
Johnny Johnson will finally seek medical help for his alarming transformation from black to white, but that won't be the most newsworthy moment of the season. That would be the first down the Cardinals will get in week 12.
1) Chicago Bears
The Bears will overcome the fact that neither of their two quarterbacks have ever seen a football before and win the Central Division. Neal Anderson will tear up the field and Mike Singletary will tear up opponents, but they'll still have to deal with the problem of Jim Harbaugh defending himself against oncoming blitzers by throwing the ball at them and running into the crowd screaming.
2) Minnesota Vikings (Wild Card)
Becoming the second team in the NFC to make it into the playoffs with a reverse-riddled offense, the Vikings look primed to possibly make an upset, but more likely labor through the schedule with a pair of quarterbacks nearly as bad as Chicago's.
3) Detroit Lions
Barry Sanders will run all over the field and put up some of the most impressive stats in the league, but like in the real NFL, Lions fans shouldn't expect more than seven wins. They also shouldn't expect Rodney Peete to be more than average, nor should they anticipate Jerry Ball not eating their children.
4) Green Bay Packers
Even the millions of yen in bribes that led Bob Nelson to be the game's studliest defender won't help the Packers make it to the big show. Nelson will get his sacks and Sterling Sharpe will do alright, but team bosses need to learn how to spell their quarterback's name before they can even consider a date in the playoffs.
5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Vinny Testaverde and Reggie Cobb will do their best to try and make us think that they're a real football team. Wayne Haddix will also try and convince us that he's a real football player, but we're not buying it. We all know that he's the Terminator.
1) San Francisco 49ers
Jerry Rice will set a new NFL record by catching a pass in dectuple coverage. Ronnie Lott will also play defense in weeks 10-12. When I say he'll play "defense," I mean he and he alone will be the defense. It should also be noted that the 49ers will outscore their opponents 167-21 in these weeks. Two of the touchdowns scored against will come on fumbles by Dexter Carter on kickoffs that are returned for touchdowns. The other will be when Lott, on a bet, plays a series with all his limbs tied behind his back.
2) New Orleans Saints (Wild Card)
The Saints and their Black Panther defense will continue to advance their cause of hatred of the white man and walk into the playoffs. Their additional hatred of touchdown scoring will ultimately keep them from winning the Super Bowl.
3) Atlanta Falcons
Miller and Millen are the QB's and their ineptitude is nearly as interchangeable as their names. Deion Sanders will play well on defense along with Jessie Tuggle, but not even the players' moms think they have a chance in Hell of making it out of the regular season.
4) Los Angeles Rams
The Rams campaign will be sidelined when of two things happens: A) Cleveland Gary gets hurt or B) The season starts.
Pittsburgh over Seattle
Kansas City over Miami
Buffalo over Pittsburgh
Kansas City over Houston
Buffalo over Kansas City
Chicago over Washington
Minnesota over New Orleans
San Francisco over Minnesota
New York over Chicago
New York over San Francisco
New York over Buffalo
Mighty Bombjack Show
Coming next week...
- Week 1 results
- Player of the Week
- Some other random stuff
-Game of the Week: San Francisco vs. New York Giants