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Washington holds a pretty exciting crown right now: The last interesting team in the playoffs. At the beginning of the season, everyone had Buffalo, San Fran, and the Giants penciled into the playoffs at this point and nobody would have been surprised to see Miami. But despite winning the Super Bowl of the actual 1991 season (technically in 1992, for the freaks getting ready to e-mail me) Washington is a bit of a surprise here. The Giants beat them both times in the regular season and the odds of them making it three in a row are probably a little better than the odds of the average American spelling "Lohmiller" correctly.

First Quarter

Redskins Drive #1

Brian Mitchell sheds a few Giants to bring the ball out to the ten. Shockingly, the Redskins go in motion prior to the first play. And not shockingly at all, Mark Rypien air mails a pick on first down to a leaping Everson Walls.

Giants Drive #1

En route to making a tackle, the Redskins trample the cheerleaders
The Giants entertained the notion of a loss in this game for maybe a half second while Brian Mitchell was rearranging some guy's internal organs, but any misgivings they may have had are definitely gone now. Dave Meggett takes the pitch on first down and brings it all the way to the Washington one. Knowing that any play written in the playbook or on the concession stand menu for that matter is going to yield a touchdown, they decide to rub the Redskins' faces right in their own mess by scoring on the pretty worthless Meggett draw. Hey, it could have been worse. Just think if they had scored by running "Hot Dog- $2.00."

7-0, New York

Redskins Drive #2

Washington has to realize that even though it's 7-0, this is a game that is on the verge of spiraling out of control. And throws like the ten yard overthrow by Rypien on first down aren't going to help. Recognizing that he's not going to get anything resembling "production" out of his teammate at quarterback, Earnest Byner goes to work and chews up some big yardage to get the Redskins across midfield.

Byner is known for something in the playoffs, but it's not crossing the goal line with the ball still in his hands
The very next play is a pass by Mark Rypien and how it ended up in the hands of Art Monk eludes comprehension, but the Skins are down to the Giants' 13 and looking like they could still keep this a game for awhile. Byner takes a cue from Brian Mitchell and plows through a few defenders on his way to a textbook blue collar touchdown.


Giants Drive #2

Lohmiller kicks the ball like a big fairy on the ensuing kickoff and Meggett has an easy stroll into Washington territory. On the very first play from scrimmage, the Giants run the flea flicker and the nearest defender to Stephen Baker is you, the Leonardite.com reader. And since you didn't break up the pass like the Giants-loving ass that you are, all of Earnest Byner's hard work last drive has been flushed away.

14-7, New York

Redskins Drive #3

I love slow-moving Tecmo games where teams grind out long drives because it saves me from having to write too much and think of new ways to describe what are essentially the same Tecmo plays. But since this game is already on its fifth drive of the opening quarter, you can't question the fact that I am scouring government sites for information on Tecmo-related workman's compensation. By the way, Byner went and got three more yards before this marathon quarter ended.

End of 1st Quarter: New York-14, Washington-7

Second Quarter

Redskins Drive #3 (Continued)

Starting 2nd and 7, the Redskins really want to make it first and ten. And they do, when Rypien throws his second interception.

Giants Drive #3

Screw Novacek, give me Bavaro any day
Meggett goes right back to work on the Skins by picking up seven on first down. But after stuffing him on the next play, the defense is having illusions of forcing a punt. And they are definitely illusions, because Meggett moves the chains with his third consecutive carry.

The Meggett draw, which seriously should work once every season, just went off for another thirty yards. I'm sure it's pretty deceptive when everyone just stands still and all, but even though they're in the shotgun, the defense should maybe recognize that all people except the teams in the Telekinesis Association have to move to complete passes. And no Tecmo game is complete without Mark Bavaro figuratively, and infrequently, literally, grinding his ball sack in the opposition's face. Simms rollout to Bavaro for the TD? Hell yes.

21-7, New York

Redskins Drive #4

Certainly the Redskins need a touchdown before halftime and Rypien's third interception certainly helps get them closer to their goals.

Giants Drive #4

The New York drives are at a fairly decent 3 for 3 at this point and now they've just Meggett Drawn their way to another first down. The Juice then gets his first carry of the day and if his goal was to not get touched by any Redskin for the duration of the run, then his debut was a smashing success.

28-7, New York

Redskins Drive #5

The Redskins run three terrible plays, but brilliantly call a timeout so that they can punt kick to the Giants before the half. And yes, I know all about Tecmo and punt kick fumbling, but don't stop me when I want to bash a team this shitty, okay?

Time expires on the kick.

End of 2nd Quarter: New York-28, Washington-7


The bitches were back at halftime, most notably yours and my favorite white panty-wearing diva. The Redskins were also back at halftime, as in back in the locker room icing their assholes from the brutal molestation that they have received and will surely receive again.

3rd Quarter

Giants Drive #5

In a new twist on an old joke, LT queefs on Mark Rypien
The Redskins finally got wise to the "clever" shenanigans of the Giants and stuff the Meggett draw. Couple this with an incomplete pass and the Skins have one of their first positives with the Giants facing a tough third and nineteen. But the Giants handicap was, of course, a ruse because Simms yawns the ball to Baker for another easy 40 yard pickup.

After Meggett lackadaiscally meanders his way to yet another first down, the Giants run two throw-away plays and are now stuck in third and long again. The flea flicker makes a cameo and looks like it will be another six for GIA, but Simms surprisingly throws it out the back of the end zone.

Matt Bahr comes on and badly shanks the field goal attempt. Joe Gibbs is later seen suspiciously giving Bahr a wheelbarrow full of assorted Hardee's coupons.

Redskins Drive #6

Two plays after the suspect shank, the Redskins lob the ball over a safety who looks a lot like Gerald Riggs with "Giants" misspelled on his helmet. Questionable impersonations aside, the Skins are still at the New York 13. The Redskins return to form quickly and storm towards the end zone for a three play net of -1 yards. The Redskins, who many have accused of having a chip on their shoulder all season, now have a "Chip" on the IR after Lohmiller hits the upright and immediately gets pummeled by his teammates.

Giants Drive #6

Anderson gets stuffed on first down, but Meggett follows that up with another 11 yard gain and then the Juice pops off a pretty impressive combination of popcorn and speed as he puts the Giants into Redskins' territory yet again.

End of 3rd Quarter: New York-28, Washington-7

4th Quarter

Giants Drive #6 (Continued)

As this shit-kicking marches into its fourth quarter, I just want everyone mull over the very real situation of us being down to the Dolphins, Bills, 49ers, and Giants in a matter of minutes. Feel free to vomit on your keyboard and any loved ones within unfortunate earshot.

The Redskins still have no grasp on the concept of the "flea flicker," but luckily for them Simms was a little long again. But on the next play, Simms connects with Baker on a much simpler route and Baker racks up his YAC (<--- half rhyme) with a scamper to the ten.

Simms steps up and throws a ball into dense coverage in the bottom corner of the end zone. I won't come right out and tell you the result, but there was a mountain of Bavaro inside that pile. Yeah.

35-7, New York

Byner fakes his own death to liberate himself from this terrible game
Redskins Drive #7

This game has been a major slumber party - minus truth-or-dare and teenage girls - since the first quarter. And unfortunately for everyone named "me," there's still 3:45 left to suffer through.

The Skins fumble right away on first down, but uninterestingly recover their own stupid mistake. Washington does go with the Clark reverse on the next down, which I do actually find pretty exciting, and it results in the team taking the next snap at midfield. That next snap is a ten yard gain by Byner and hey, he just got hurt! A game that I was once falling asleep in has just tossed me a big sadistic bone for my troubles. Thanks, Tecmo.

Rypien throws three consecutive lobs in the vicinity of the end zone, the last of which ends up in the arms of fellow Washington football player, Ricky Sanders.

35-14, Washington

Giants Drive #7

The Giants get the onside kick, but after two uninspired plays, fumble on third down. Darrell Green, legitimately the fastest man in the NFL, recovers the gift but is somehow run down at the GIA fifteen by either a jungle cat or Linford Christie.

Redskins Drive #8

Naturally, the Redskins don't even sniff the gift touchdown and retreat to the locker room and the offseason broken, battered "men."

Closing Thought

Everson Walls picked off a couple of Rypien ducks and steals player of the game honors in the process. And I know we're all pissed about this terrible four-team tournament we have left, but maybe we'll actually get a decent game for a change. I'm not going to lie when I say that I end up putting a lot more attention into the Tears for Fears library I'm simultaneously downloading than the NFC yawner I'm supposed to be chronicling.