Courtesy of "MPHTails"
Jim Ross: Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking live at a sold-out Veterans Stadium! Welcome to the Super Bowl, the big game! Well, not really the Big Game, as we all know the XFL cemented that with such familiar characters as Tommy Maddox and Corte McGuffey. But this is pretty damn fun anyway! I’m joined up here with my broadcast colleagues, the “Catskill Kid” Mike Tyson and from Leonardite.com, the Leonardite himself.
Leonardite: Thanks, JR, it’s a pleasu…
Tyson: (In the legendary Tyson voice) I’d just like to say thith. Thith….thith…..thith ith what it’s all about, gentlemans.
Jim Ross: If you’re like me, you have operated a ventriloquist dummy named “Jerry Lawler” for years. But if you’re also like me, you’re sick of all the hype and ready to get this thing on like Triple H storming through the locker room looking for Edge, Goddammit!
Leonardite: Um. Yeah….?
Jim Ross: But before we go any further, let’s send it backstage to our reporter, Joe Theismann.
(Cut to sideline)
Theismann: Fellas, do I have some news for you. It concerns the Dolphins and it concerns the quarterback position.
Leonardite: Whoa, this IS big news. Joe, do you know if Dan Marino is going to be under center tonight or if we’re going to see Scott Mitchell at the helm?
Theismann: I have absolutely no idea. But I was watching some old highlight film yesterday and I threw a couple touchdowns down in the south beach sun. I saw boobs that night, guys. I’m serious.
Jim Ross: Oh, STOP IT!
Theismann: To Pat Beach.
(To the 49ers’ Sideline)
Pat Beach: We are moments from kickoff and I’d just like to say that the Leonardite is a little pansy girl.
Leonardite: Come on now.
Tyson: I would just like to add my two thents because contrary to your eloquent opinion, this gentleman to my left is quite clearly a male individual.
Jim Ross: It’s coin toss time! This is going to get hotter than Stephanie McMahon’s thong underwear!
Tyson: I tried the thong underwear. Quite uncomfortable. I prefer to stick with the skinned hide of Yak given to me by Leon Spinks in the winter of 1988.
Leonardite: Geez man, it’s the fuc…
Jim Ross: The capacity crowd is on the edge of their seats! What will they choose!? What will they choose!!??!?!
Tyson: They might have purchased the whole theat, gentlemans, but they will only need the backretht. Or. What.
Jim Ross: The fate of the company may ride on this decision! What will the pick be!? ? What do you think, Leonardite?
Leonardite: Montana told the ref thirty seconds ago that they want to receive. And besides, it’s Tecmo. The CPU has never chosen to kickoff. Ever.
Jim Ross: My God! The CPU doesn’t kickoff! What a display of independence! Standing up to the man! This is what it’s all about!
Leonardite: This is going to be a long game.
Tyson: Five minute quarters, Leonardite. Four of them. That’s why they call them quarters. Like the money.
Leonardite: Of which you have none.
Tyson: (Puzzled) Pie?
Jim Ross: Pete Stoyanovich is on to tee this thing up! And here we go. Harry Sydney hauls the ball in and he’s beaten down! BEATEN DOWN on the spot.
Leonardite: Excellent kick coverage by the Dolphins.
Jim Ross: First and ten at the thirty eight. Man goes in motion. MAN GOES IN MOTION, KING!
Tyson: That’th Mike, Tyson.
Leonardite: You mean, “that’s Mike, Jim.”
Tyson: No, Mr. Leononite, my name is “Mike Tython.”
Ross: Tom Rathman gets the handoff and bowls his way forward like Batista driving a shoulder into the heart of a would-be Intercontinental Title challenger!
Leonardite: Decent gain to start the game.
Leonardite: We may see playaction here, guys.
Ross: Handoff goes to Rathman again and my GOD! Goldberg! Goldberg spears him!
Leonardite: That was actually the defensive end, but it was a loss of three…
Ross: Oh, right.
Tyson: I found Goldberg to be an exceptional goaltender for the Mighty Duckth. What an inspiring group of individuals.
Ross: Big third and eight here! Craig in motion again. Montana back to pass…
Leonardite: Big blitz!
Ross: Montana is running like a scared little wuss and he’s SACKED! SACKED!
Ross: My God! I think we might have a traitor on the San Francisco 49ers line? Is there a traitor in the San Francisco ranks, Leonardite!?
Ross: I wouldn’t be so damn sure, there King. Here comes Barry Helton to punt kick. Booming punt by Helton and this thing is into the end zone! My God, a touchback! A touchback, guys!
Tyson: Thith ith all so titillating.
Ross: We’ll be right back after these message from SlimJim and Stacker 2!!!!
Leonardite: We’re back fans and I have to admit that I’m happy to report that Jim Ross has been demoted to color commentary for the duration of the game.
Jim Ross: Get that damn Eric Biscoff on the phone.
(Ross storms out of the broadcast booth)
Leonardite: I guess it’s just you and me, Mike.
Tyson: Two qualified gentlemans like ourselves will do just fine.
Leonardite: Wait, you do know what the plural of “gentleman” is, right?
Tyson: I believe it ith inappropriate for any gentleman to wear plurals as those are a lady’s jewelry, Mr. Lenardinnerplate.
Leonardite: Let’s go to Joe Theismann.
(From the Miami sideline)
Theismann: Just to report, gentlemen. I spoke with Don Shula about this first offensive drive and he thinks my hair looks fantastic. Back to you.
Leonardite: Seeing as we are going to be getting no help from either sideline it appears, I did get on the internet and discovered this………SCOTT MITCHELL IS GOING TO BE UNDER CENTER FOR THE DOLPHINS! How huge is this, Mike?
Leonardite: Here comes Mitchell to the roars of the capacity crowd! Out of the shotgun on the first play. Scott Mitchell has all the time in the world to throw and finally is going to air one out to a double-covered Mark Duper! Oh, he is lucky that wasn’t intercepted.
Tyson: Seriouthly, what are you holding?
Leonardite: Out of the gun again, big rush coming at Mitchell now! Scotty gets wiped out but is able to get the ball off. Duper dives and WHAT A CATCH! Mark Duper hauls in a desperation pass from Scott Mitchell in triple coverage and is able to secure the game’s first first down. How about that, Pat Beach?
(From the 49ers sideline)
Pat Beach: Fuck you, block for yourself.
Tyson: And thee, I’m sure that he ith utterly humiliated by his not throwing the ball to his……teammate.
Leonardite: 2nd and 10 now, ball on the Miami 44. Miami goes shotgun AGAIN. Mitchell back to pass. Plenty of time again. He throws the ball complete to Ferrell Edmunds! Edmunds is on the move eluding tacklers and he will finally be dragged down by the 49er defense, but not before he gets down to the opposing 30 yard line.
Tyson: Let me draw what happened on thith play. Brian Mitchell, Dolphins quarterback, moves back and throwth what appears to be a forward path of some sort to a teammate. This seemth to work as the referees have allowed the ball to be placed closer to the end zone.
Leonardite: Following that brilliant piece of color commentary, the Dolphins are in the shotgun again. That’s 5 out of 5 plays that Fish have put Mitchell in the gun. Deep drop. Mitchell has plenty of time. He scans the field. Still looking. Finds Tony Paige between the hashes! Paige makes one guy miss, he’s to the ten, five, touchdown Miami! Touchdown Dolphins!
Leonardite: Scott Mitchell, working exclusively out of the shotgun, has engineered another brilliant drive for Miami and they strike first here in the Super Bowl! Pete Stoyanovich is on to kick the PAT. It’s good and with two minutes to play in the first quarter, Miami leads it 7-0.
Leonardite: We’re back and we’re joined by Jim Ross, who apparently has brought the Road Dogg with him for some reason.
“Road Dogg” Jesse James: OH, YOU DIDN’T…
Leonardite: You're done.
Jim Ross: It’s to keep the man from holding me down. And also I saw him panhandling outside and figured we could find him a sandwich in the press room.
Leonardite: He wears a cowboy hat, he feeds the homeless, is there anything JR doesn’t do?
Jim Ross: Pay taxes?
Jim Ross: They’re gaining on him!
Leonardite: That they are, JR! The Dolphins finally drag Sydney down, but not before he is able to return the ball all the way to the Miami 25. A sensational return by Harry Sydney.
Tyson: I really like that word. Senthational is a very sentalathional word.
Leonardite: How could you somewhat say the word the first time and then totally butcher it three words later?
Tyson: (Puzzled) Jack of diamondth.
Leonardite: Working from the opposing 25, Montana gives the ball to Craig straight up the got on a lead and he’s going to get three yards before being lumbjerjacked down by Offerdahl. Wasting no time, here comes San Francisco again. Craig in motion and now Montana is back to pass. He’s got a lot of time and oh boy, he hits Jerry Rice and Rice will waltz into the end zone for an easy score.
Leonardite: I’m as unsatisfied with that touchdown as you are, JR. Mike Cofer is going to drill the PAT here and we’re tied at 7. We’ll take a break, back to the Super Bowl in a bit.
Leonardite: Cofer kicks the ball downfield and it’s taken by Marc Logan at the 23. He’s going to get to the 31 before being met by a host of 49er tacklers. He’s grappling with them, but finally has no choice but to go down.
Tyson: I can relate to thith feeling. Sometimes when I am in the ring and not thinking about punching or sexual organth, I often feel a compulsion to fall to the canvath.
Leonardite: With 19 seconds remaining in the opening quarter, Scott Mitchell is going to go under center for the first time. He fakes a handoff to Sammie Smith and is now rolling out the opposite way to pass. He finds Tony Paige a few yards downfield and the fullback is off and running! Paige will shed a tackler before being dragged down across midfield!
Ross: Fans, don’t go anywhere! We still have three hours left “It’s Tecmo RAW” Super Raw Sunday!
Leonardite: Working from the 49er 48…
Leonardite: …Mitchell is going to give the ball to Smith on the play they just faked and he’s going to take it downfield for nine yards before being tackled. Good gainer on the Dolphins first running play. Out of the shotgun again. Mitchell has all the time in the world to make a decision here. Nobody appears to be open, so I don’t know if he’s waiting for a parachutist to come in…
Tyson: That hath happened in my sport…
Leonardite: I know…
Ross: That’s what Shane-O-Mac wants you think. That boy’s crazy.
Leonardite: Pat Beach, did this have anything to do with…
(From the 49er sideline)
Beach: …you being an insensitive prick? After all that we’ve been through, Leonardite. Man…..screw you.
Ross: I’d watch your back in the parking lot, King.
Leonardite: The 49ers are going to start from their own 20. Craig in motion. Montana back to pass and throws to John Taylor. Off his hands and incomplete. That would have been a tough catch. 2nd and ten now, Tom Rathman takes the carry on the dive and gets a respectable six yards.
Jim Ross: That’s good old-fashioned smashmouth Oklahoma football right there.
Tyson: I really appreciate Smash Mouth. A very inspirational group of individuals. Especially their song “Fuck the Polithe.”
Leonardite: Smash Mouth never sang that.
Tyson: Metaphorically, Leononinoninodite, no. They instead opened up my heart and spoke directly to my ethence.
Leonardite: 3rd and 4 here. Rathman gets the dive again and is hauled down. This is going to be close.
Jim Ross: Damn favorable spot!
Leonardite: I agree, JR, they’re not even going to measure. First down for the 49ers. Trips to Montana’s left side.
Jim Ross: Trips! My GOD! WHAT IS HUNTER DOING ON THE FIELD?
Leonardite: Montana has John Taylor all by his lonesome and connects! Taylor is off and running. He is actually going to be caught and tackled here, but the 49ers are on the Miami 8 and threatening big time.
Leonardite: Prophetic words from the horse’s mouth.
Jim Ross: No no, Leonardite. It’s Shannon Sharpe that looks like a horse, not Mike Tyson.
Leonardite: Touche’. Craig gets the handoff on the lead play and is able to only secure two yards. 2nd and goal now. Montana with the handoff to Rathman up the middle and he is swallowed immediately! Big play coming up!
Jim Ross: Maybe the biggest play of the half so far.
Leonardite: 3rd and goal at the five. Two men in the backfield, Craig in motion. Handoff goes to Rathman and he is going to stroll into the end zone with ease. Too easy, guys.
Tyson: As eathy as a game of Monopoly without all the complicated adding.
Leonardite: Joe Theismann.
(To the Dolphins’ sideline)
Theismann: Is this a game of twenty questions? What questions were asked about me that led you there? Suave personality, tremendously viral beau?
Tyson: I believe he meanth “douche bag.”
(Laughter in the booth)
Leonardite: Very nice, Mike.
Tyson: I enjoy making funnies becauthe the sound of laughter brings me great joy.
Leonardite: Joe, did you hear anything about maybe a change in offensive strategy?
Theismann: Yes. They said Mike Tyson is a boor.
Leonardite: Another Emmy award-winning sideline report. Cofer drills this kickoff and Marc Logan is going to take it four yards deep in his own end zone. Logan gets it out to the eleven before being swallowed under.
Jim Ross: 2:04 left, need a score before halftime! Here’s where men are made, Leonardite!
Leonardite: Mitchell with a playaction rollout. He looks downfield and finds Mark Duper! Duper slices through the defense and is moving. He’s all the way to his own 48 before getting tackled! 1:38 remains.
Tyson: Peter McNeeley.
Leonardite: Mitchell drops back to pass. He looks up top for Mark Clayton. A floater and it is knocked away at the last second! Nice defensive play. Playaction rollout again…
Jim Ross: My God! Mark Clayton is wide open!
Jim Ross: It’s pandemonium! This is the biggest night in the history of sports entertainment!
Tyson: Thee, guyth, that’th what they need to do every play. They really should just try and score and not wathte there time not…….doing so.
Leonardite: In the midst of the delirium, Stoyanovich knocks home the PAT and the underdogs have tied this thing up with 53 seconds remaining. Back after this.
Pat Beach: I was just in on a team huddle and they are going to go all out of a score and completely agree with me that you are an asshole, Leonardite.
Leonardite: This is just getting out of line…
Jim Ross: LEONARDITE. BEACH. STEEL CAGE MATCH! HALFTIME! FUCK THE BOMBJACK SHOW…
Leonardite: You did NOT just disparage the Bombjack show.
Ross: I’ve been humbled worse than an old huntin’ dog who didn’t kick up any pheasants.
Leonardite: Harry Sydney brings the kick out the 24 where the 49ers will take over with 36 seconds remaining before the Bombjacks. Montana back to pass. He lobs one up and SON OF A BITCH. Rice leaps and catches it. Louis Oliver with an incredibly lucky dive to bring down Rice with nineteen seconds to play, but still, shit.
Tyson: Watch the language, Mr. Lennerentinonalite.
Leonardite: Clock ticking. Handoff to Rathman. He’s going to chew up about three yards before being tackled. The 49ers will burn their first timeout here and give Mike Cofer a chance before halftime.
Ross: THIS IS THE BIGGEST MOMENT…
Leonardite: Of the drive. Keep the hyperbole under control. Cofer on to attempt from 56. The snap. The hold. Right down the middle. 17-14, San Francisco.
Leonardite: Yes, it was. Cofer kicks it off to Logan here. He basically takes a knee. With one half in the books, San Francisco leads Miami in the Super Bowl, 17-14.
(MIGHTY BOMBJACK SHOW)
Leonardite: We are back and I know better than to send it to the clowns on the sidelines so let’s just get to the football. Marc Logan isn’t going to get this football very far, but he didn’t have to when it was such a poor kickoff. Miami will start at their own 42. Gut feeling on the second half, guys?
Ross: 49ers win by ten after Hebner screws the Dolphins.
Tyson: Mild indigestion, Leonardinnerite.
Tyson: I’m not, Don King.
Leonardite: Wow. The Dolphins are going to start old-style here with a dive handoff to Paige. He’s pick up six and near midfield for Miami. 2nd and 4, out of the shotgun. Here’s the snap and oh my, Mitchell has no chance. Keith DeLong is in for the sack.
Jim Ross: Maybe the Dolphins offensive line has turned on Mitchell over halftime!!!!
Leonardite: Seriously, no.
Ross: Not mine. I prefer ex-Oklahoma punter…
Leonardite: Stop there.
Leonardite: And you don’t even start. Roby’s punt kick is going to end up in the end zone. With the 3:39 to play in the third, the Niners lead by 3 and will take over on their own twenty.
Tyson: No, Leonardandruffalopagus, they kicked off awhile ago.
Leonardite: Montana with a playaction fake to Craig. He rolls out and is going to look up top for John Taylor and again this is going to fall incomplete. So far so good for the Dolphins pass coverage in the second half.
Ross: But you know what, Leonardite. Never count out Jerry Rice…
Leonardite: See, that is actually some really good insight there, JR…
Ross: …ripping off his 49ers jersey to reveal a Nation of Domination shirt to reform the group with Faarooq, Steve Harvey…
Tyson: Simply stupendouth.
Leonardite: Craig in motion. The Niners give it to Rathman and he’s got a big hole!
Tyson: Good grief, Leonardalailamaite…
Leonardite: He’s going to rumble to the 32.
Ross: You jinxed the Miami defense.
Leonardite: I very well might have. The Niners looked primed to put more points on the board here. Same play to Rathman. He again has open field and is going to get to near the first down chains before being hauled down. This one is going be close. Here come the chains for a measurement.
Leonardite: And now with JR’s mic muted, I can tell you that he’s short. 2nd down, now. The give to Roger Craig around the end and he’s going to get to the Miami 17 for another first down. Very efficient drive.
Tyson: But yet, no pointh. What is that all about?
Leonardite: Be patient. The Niners break the huddle. Montana back to pass. He looks for Roger Craig all alone in the end zone and is going to just miss him. Should’ve been a touchdown. 2nd and 10, playaction fake. Montana rolls out and he has John Taylor open in the end zone. He hits him, touchdown San Francisco.
Ross: She’s all over, Leonardite! Cue the fat lady!
Leonardite: You might well be right. Here’s Mike Cofer for the PAT. It’s good. 24-14, San Francisco. We’re back in moments.
Leonardite: Guys on the sidelines, do you have anything of substance to add to this discussion?
Beach: You see, it’s not that easy to think about “blocking” when I have to work so hard on “catching”…(MUTE)
Theismann: I tell you what, guys. I love all these quarterbacks. All of them. There’s not a gunslinger in the league this year that isn’t the consummate professional. What a bunch of Hercules-like heroes we have under center in “It’s Tecmo Season.” (MUTE)
Tyson: Was that nethethary?
Ross & Leonardite: (In Unison) YES.
Ross: They have a mountain bigger than the Undertaker to climb here.
Leonardite: No disagreement here. Mitchell gives the ball to Smith and he is immediately swarmed by the 49ers. Loss of two. Miami runs the same play again, which was a terrible idea both times, and is only able to get back to the original line of scrimmage.
Tyson: Peter McNeely.
Leonardite: 3rd and 10 here and the Dolphins probably need to get this. The Dolphins give a slow handoff to Tony Paige which is just completely asinine and is going to end up eight yards short of the first down. They deserve to lose this game.
Ross: And YOU deserve the weight loss benefits of STACKER 2! (MUTE)
Leonardite: Roby is going to punt kick the ball away as the quarter expires. John Taylor takes it at the 25…
Ross: MY GOD! MY GOD!
(Ross and the Leonardite begin to hug and cheer wildly. Mike Tyson spends this time chewing on his heel)
Leonardite: What a turn of events!
Ross: John Taylor turns on the 49ers! What a swerve! What a swerve!
Leonardite: Pete Stoyanovich nails the PAT and son-of-a-bitch, guys, we have a game again! One more quarter to play, can the Dolphins do it!?
Tyson: I’m cheering for the spirit of cooperation and fair play.
Leonardite: Says the man disqualified in a title fight for biting ears.
Tyson: (Puzzled) Mississippi mud pies?
Leonardite: Harry Sydney is going to take the kick back to his own 33 and that’s where San Francisco will start with the ball with 4:34 remaining. Trips again…
Ross: HUNTER AGAIN!!?
Leonardite: Oh man, Montana has EVERYONE open and he…overshoots Brent Jones! Huge break for the 49ers.
Ross: Damn right. Lucky they didn’t get Pedigreed for sure.
Leonardite: 2nd and 10 and the Dolphins dodged a massive bullet. Lead play to Roger Craig and it goes nowhere! Big stop and an even bigger play coming up!
Ross: Is it okay to use the hyperbole now?
Leonardite: If the Dolphins get this stop, yes. The electricity is palpable as Montana comes to the line. Three receivers to Montana’s left and he’s back to pass. He’s got a couple of options but is going to go downfield to a covered John Taylor…
Leonardite: (Almost silent) John Taylor just made a leaping catch and ran for a touchdown. Touchdown 49ers.
(The stadium is silent except for the thousand or so Godless-49er fans who are cheering. None of the announcers can speak, Ross and the Leonardite because of extreme disappointment and Tyson because of extreme mental retardation. Cofer hits the PAT and kicks off by the time the announcers have regained their composure following a commercial break)
Leonardite: After a great Logan return, the Dolphins are starting at San Francisco’s 31 with 3:17 left and their hope in tatters at this point. Mitchell on the rollout. He dumps the ball to Tony Paige and the fullback is on the move! He’s down to the 49ers’ 13 and the Dolphins have a ray of hope. Mitchell hurries them to the line.
Ross: I’m out of adjectives.
Leonardite: And I can guarantee that has NEVER happened, mostly because your other gig is scripted.
Ross: And this isn’t?
Ross: Oh. Oops.
Leonardite: Handoff to Sammie Smith. Smith is around the corner and he might have a chance to score, NO! Tripped up at the two!
Tyson: Great announcing there, Mr. Leonardorsalfin. I’m in awe, truthfully.
Ross: Don’t count the PAT yet…
Leonardite: I will and I did. And now Stoyanovich just made the kick. 2:27 to play in the Super Bowl and we have a barn-burner! San Francisco 31, Miami 28.
Leonardite: The Dolphins are lined up the for the onside kick which looks just like a normal onside kick formation. Here it is. It’s booted around for awhile and….
Ross: MY GOD!
Leonardite: I don’t think Brent Jones picking it up was worthy of that outburst, but if he scores it will be. No, he’s hauled down at the 31. Well, here it is. 2:01 left. The Dolphins have to hold them to 3.
Tyson: Electron microthcope.
Leonardite: Rathman takes a handoff for five yards and the Dolphins immediately call time-out. 2nd and 5 now, Roger Craig takes the handoff and he’s moving. He’s going to get tackled, but not before he reaches the sixteen and a fresh set of down.
Ross: This one’s over.
Leonardite: It’s on the verge of being so. Miami takes their final timeout with 1:35 left.
Tyson: Did you understand my explanation of the football quarterth earlier, Mr. Leonardallascowboyite?
Leonardite: Yes. Yes, I did. The 49ers run the same play and Craig picks up six yards. Back to the line they come, not wasting any time for some reason.
Ross: They were programmed that way.
Leonardite: Hmm, good point. Rathman is tackled right away and now the 49ers face 3rd and 3. Well, if Miami has any faint hope of pulling this out, they have to stop Miami here.
Tyson: An abtholute thrill.
Leonardite: Dive again to Rathman and he is blitzed hard! This is going to be a loss of one and the 49ers will be forced to kick the field goal here.
Ross: This is where the Heartbreak Kid needs…(MUTE)
Leonardite: Cofer lines up his attempt. Snap, hold, perfect. With 57 seconds left to play, Miami trails by six.
Leonardite: Cofer with the kickoff, Logan fields it at the eight. He’ll get to the seventeen before going down.
Leonardite: Well, Logan actually is hurt. Here come the trainers to scoop his white carcass off the field. I hear we have a report from the sidelines with Pat Beach. Pat.
Pat Beach: Yeah, the Dolphins coaching staff tells me that Troy Stradford will handle kickoff returns now until Logan heals.
Leonardite: I couldn’t fucking care less…
Tyson: What a tragic bow to put on such a beautiful package that wath thith game.
Leonardite: Well, here we go. 35 seconds to go, no timeouts. Mitchell drops back. He fires towards Duper…
Ross: What a Goddamn disgrace. What a despicable display of playcalling.
Leonardite: I couldn’t agree more, JR. Look at the 49ers gloat. What the hell…
Tyson: I thought it was courageouth. Rather than go for the win, they acted with grathe and gave San Francisco the win.
Leonardite: Fans, that’s it for our play-by-play. Enjoy the postgame festivities. Final score 34-28, San Francisco. Super Bowl MVP: John Taylor, pissed off broadcaster: The Leonardite. For Pat Beach, Joe Theismann, Jim Ross, and Mike Tyson, this the Leonardite saying Tony Paige is a very slow man.