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 First Quarter The Oilers are starting the game on their own 27-yard line, but before anyone thinks that this is mediocre field position, remember that the Elias Sports Bureau has classified any spot on the playing field as the "Red Zone" for the 1991 Tecmo Oilers. Oilers Drive #1
Broncos, thou art screwed methinks. 7-0, Houston Broncos Drive #1 Steve Sewell and Bobby Humphrey team up for a very workmanlike 11 yards over three downs for their first first down of the game. Sewell continues to carry the groceries by getting his third carry already (Pretty impressive since he has a grand total of ONE play in the book) and busting it for 21 yards. The Broncos finally take to the air and Elway throws a tremendous on the run pass to a covered Mark Jackson in the end zone. Perhaps two can play this game, Moon man, although I highly doubt it. 7-7
Moon comes out and throws a very dangerous pass into double coverage on first down which falls incomplete, but calmly comes back on second down to force one through tight single coverage to move the sticks. I'm serious, this guy could be hitting open receivers, but his penchant for showing off is what makes us watch the games and what makes the lonely single sluts sit outside his hotel room on the road. Moon and a diving White hook up for 21 yards right away, and that is followed up by Moon splitting double coverage to connect with Haywood Jeffries. I'm starting to get the feeling that he's moved beyond the Broncos and is now doing this just to insult MY manhood. Michael Brooks apparently has seen enough and demolishes Moon on first down, obviously shaking him up, as the Oilers run the ball for the first time all game as the quarter expires. End of 1st Quarter: Denver-7 Houston-7 Second Quarter Oilers Drive #2 (Continued) On third and twelve, a concussed Moon faces a kamikaze blitz from the Broncos and STILL somehow has two guys covering Jeffries in the end zone. Even with all those handicaps, I was still astonished to see the pass fall incomplete. Zendejas has no trouble converting the 3-point attempt, but is still having difficulties pronouncing his own name. 10-7, Houston
The first play saw Al Smith sack Elway for a nine-yard loss, but Jonathan returned on second down with a clutch play under duress that brought the Broncos within one yard of a first down. The Broncos then call the worst play in their playbook for this or any other situation, the Johnson reverse, which actually goes for a first down. If that wasn't unjust enough, Johnson coughed up the football when tackled, but it trickled out of bounds before the Oilers' defenders could rush over and kick it out themselves. Bobby Humphrey picked 12 yards right away, but they followed this up with two horrible Elway passes on the flea flicker and an amateur beheading courtesy once again of Al Smith. Rather than attempt the field goal, the Broncos elect to punt kick from their own side of the fifty, securing the spot of "WORST PLAYCALL OF THE GAME" for Dan Reeves and his testicle-less coaching staff. Oilers Drive #3 Houston test-drives its New England offense, a collection of three poorly-executed plays designed to give the other team the ball with plenty of time left to score before the half. The test is an unmitigated success.
With just over a minute to go, the Broncos make sure to run the reverse twice in a row, a play that has the same time span as light traveling between galaxies. With mere seconds left, the Broncos go with the even more impressive Elway scramble and head into the locker room fully deserving of their zero second quarter points. End of 2nd Quarter: Houston-10, Denver-7 Halftime This was the same show as last week, which goes Blimp/balloons, midriff winker, marching band, sports bra chick flexing her boobs. It was a fun change of pace a week ago, but now it's just a slap in the face to keep our sexy intermission goddess off the screen. 3rd Quarter Broncos Drive #4 After a nice return by Vance Johnson, Elway and Mark Jackson hook up on a solid pass to bring the Broncos into Oiler territory, the site of an abundance of previous playcalling blunders. The Broncos sandwich a six-yard Sewell loss in between the Elway roll pass, their worst pass in the playbook. With all their receivers covered and stationary, Elway picks the least expected horrible outcome by fumbling on third down and giving the ball to the Oilers. Oilers Drive #4
Broncos Drive #5 The Broncos go right to work in this shitty offense pissing match by having Vance Johnson get tackled before he can take the pitch on the reverse. Ray Childress scoops up the fruits of Denver's inadequacy and if the Oilers don't find a way to score on this drive, then we'll have definitive proof that the real Oilers were kidnapped and have been replaced by Martian clones on a reconaissance mission. Oilers Drive #5 Just to prove his toughness, Moon accepts a twelve-yard sack from Simon Fletcher on first down, but then starts trying again and hits Curtis Duncan for his second TD pass of the game. 17-7, Houston End of 3rd Quarter: Houston-17, Denver-7 4th Quarter Broncos Drive #6
Oilers Drive #6 The taste of the undefeated season vibrant in their mouths, the Oilers chalk up a Moon-to-Duncan 44 yard TD to put this game completely out of reach. 24-7, Houston Broncos Drive #7 Elway and Humphrey hooked up on two consecutive passes to start things off that accounted for sixty yards and a first and goal. They followed that up with four consecutive plays that netted zero points and one interception. Oilers Drive #7 The Oilers give Lorenzo White, believe it or not, only his THIRD carry of the game with forty seconds left. He gets two more carries to close the game out, which gives him just five more rushing attempts on the day than Mike Dyal, backup tight end for the Raiders. Closing Thought Nobody blew me away with their performances today, but I'm going to give the player of the game to Curtis Duncan who took his only two catches of the game to the house. I'm also fairly confident that we witnessed the funeral for Denver's playoff chances today and that the eulogy was delivered by Warren Moon and his CFL-bred precision.   |
