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 First Quarter Eric Metcalf took the opening kickoff at his own 32 and shimmied and shook his way downfield all the way to his own 35. Browns Drive #1
Bengals Drive #1 The Bengals moved across the fifty with a deep pass and then proceeded to bring up third and short after runs by James Brooks and Ickey Woods respectively. And then for reasons only understood by people who dislike winning football games, the Bengals ran the same draw that drove Cleveland from field goal range with the same result. Professional football games in Ohio are like a chess match between baboons. Browns Drive #2 The Browns kicked their second drive off with two long passes, one picked up mostly after the catch by Kevin Mack, the other on a deep ball to the versatile Ozzie Newsome as the quarter expired. End of 1st Quarter: Cincinnati- 0 Cleveland- 0
Browns Drive #2 (Continued) To make sure that late-arriving viewers wouldn't be confused as to who it was possessing the ball, the Browns made sure to run a negative-gaining dive with Kevin Mack. This was followed by a "How was that not intercepted?" pass by QB Browns and a "How was that play called on 3rd and long?" run by Kevin Mack. Katie Kauric was called on to clean up the mess and put the first points on the board. 3-0, Cleveland Bengals Drive #2 Cincinnati dug into the bag of tricks and Boomer Esiason dug into the bag of sucks on a flea-flicker that had no business NOT being intercepted. This was followed up by the most successful Cincinnati draw in history. It went for two yards. Third down was a tragic scene featuring James Brooks repeatedly running into his left tackle as the first down sticks sat many yards downfield unaffected and unchallenged. Browns Drive #3 The Browns were on the move again, as Kevin Mack took twenty seconds to pick up eleven yards. QB Browns then completed an improbable pass, but was soon brought back to his enigmatic and mediocre reality by Carl Zander, who recorded his second sack of the day. Looking to atone for that lost yardage, the Browns were quick to call another eight yard-losing draw to Eric Metcalf. On 3rd and 25, their play was picked and batted incomplete, eliciting cheers from the Cleveland coaching staff as this was far and away their best third down play of the season.
Cincinnati only had 47 seconds to try and sneak in another three-and-out before halftime, but Boomer had the look of a man who was confident that they could get it done. This confidence was shattered, however, by a run by James Brooks that brought the Bengals down to the Browns 41. The flea flicker ensued and was caught by Ickey Woods, but he stayed in bounds too long for Jim Breech to come on and bail out the Bengals before the half expired. End of 2nd Quarter: Cleveland-3, Cincinnati-0 Halftime The halftime show was exactly the same as last week: Foot soldier, 10 percent society, kickline, panty shot. I don't know what's more disturbing; the fact that I get extremely aroused by the panty shot or....who am I kidding, there's nothing more disturbing than that. 3rd Quarter Bengals Drive #4
7-3, Cincinnati Browns Drive #4 The Bengals made sure to capitalize on their momentum with a kickoff that barely crossed midfield. The Browns began their drive with the two-yard draw that apparently is a first down requirement in this game. But they followed that up with a 48 yard bomb to Kevin Mack, who knocked the earth off its axis with the second touchdown in thirty seconds in a Browns/Bengals football game. 10-7, Cleveland Bengals Drive #5 The Browns showed their giving spirit with an equally shitty kickoff that allowed Cincinnati to start at the fifty. Naturally the first play was a draw, but after Ickey Woods picked up FIVE yards instead of two, the Browns got pissed and picked the next two plays forcing the Bengals to punt and also to sob like the pansies they are. Browns Drive #5 In a drive that would make Bill Walsh applaud in amazement, the Browns executed three awesome plays: A seven-inch dive by Kevin Mack, a batted down pass, and a pass play that gave Carl Zander his third sack of the game. And obviously Bill Walsh isn't applauding the drive because of its offensive innovation. He's cheering because he bet a Jaguar on the Bengals during a Grey Goose night in Vegas. End of 3rd Quarter: Cleveland-10, Cincinnati-7 4th Quarter Bengals Drive #6
14-10, Cincinnati And you knew it was only a matter of time. Eric Metcalf coughs up the ball on his own thirty-five on the ensuing kickoff, tallying the first turnover of the game. Bengals Drive #7 The Bengals could sense blood in the water and their running backs were ready to pounce. They achieved a quick first down, but two consecutive stuffed plays left them in a third and ten situation. The Bengals went back to the flea flicker and the Browns did everything in their power to not cover anybody on the field. Tim McGee was soon flapping his arms in celebration in the end zone.
Browns Drive #6 Cleveland was in a tough spot needing two touchdowns in only 90 seconds to win the game. They were forced to throw a lot of passes, but they did manage to meet their quota and squeeze in one more six-yard loss by Kevin Mack. I'm not sure which is more embarassing: The fact that the Browns chose Mack around the end with 35 seconds remaining, or that the Bengals defense picked it. The Browns were awarded no points and the jury is still out on whether or not God will have mercy on their souls. Closing Thought This was a very typical performance by two teams who have no business calling squads like the Oilers and the Giants their peers. James Brooks clearly was the difference in this game, offsetting the plethora of drive-killing draws the Bengals called, and they almost certainly would've lost had he stayed on the IR. But I'm going with Carl Zander for player of the game, as his three sacks and flamboyant personality will keep the Cincinnati fans warm in their cold, playoff-less offseason.   |
