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Not long ago, I was incredibly bored and searching through the TV looking for something interesting to watch. There was no baseball or football, M*A*S*H left the airwaves a couple decades ago, and that crazy sex advice lady was apparently whoring around town gathering new information for her next call-in session. What I did find was "Modern Marvels," a Hitler, er History Channel show that often features documentaries about awesome things like a big bridge or Mickey's 40 oz. malt liquor. On this night in a move that put an old cliche to the test, the programmers decided to air this episode:

"Paint", A history of paint examines its development and uses, both practical and aesthetic. (Documentary)

The scary thing was, I knew that I could sit down and memorize every scene of this program and it still wouldn't be the worst thing I had to sit through this week. No kids, that would be a simulated Tecmo game between the Jets and the Chargers, two teams who have commissioned explorers to seafare about the Eastern seaboard trying to discover where and what this "playoffs" thing is that everyone keeps whispering about. With the sails properly trimmed, let the armada of boring that is the following matchup set sail.

First Quarter

The Chargers are clad in their rarely seen blue/yellow combo. Very stylish. The dapper Nate Lewis returns the kickoff out to the 31.

Chargers Drive #1

Tolliver tosses a ball out to a wide open Quinn Early who makes no discernible movement resulting in an incompletion. The Chargers then show that it's never too early to pull the flea flicker out and the Jets show its never too early to fall for it, allowing Quinn to make a catch and run down to the 30 yard line.

A pair of Marion Butts runs give the Chargers another first down and two plays later, B.J. and Anthony Miller connect for the game's first points.

7-0, San Diego


One drive, one touchdown. I doubt this level of efficiency can hold
Jets Drive #1

Following an All-American return out to their own two-yard line, the Jets run a sweep with Freeman McNeil for thirteen yards. Ken O. follows this up by practicing overshooting an open receiver.......pointless practice if you ask me.......but back-to-back carries by McNeil and Blair Thomas move the Jets across the 50.

Thomas carries the ball twice more for another first down and then again gets the ball, but is stopped for a one-yard loss. Completely out of breath, giving his own sidelines the middle finger is the only logical movement he can think of. Henry Rolling follows it up with a "fuck you" of his own, only this time while he and nine of his teammates are laying on top of the punctuation-challenged New York quarterback. An incompletion on third down has Jeff Prokop loosening his muscles on the sidelines between quarters.

End of 1st Quarter: San Diego-7, New York-0

Second Quarter

Jets Drive #1 (Continued)

Prokop's punt kick from the fifty deflects off of the international space station and lands in row seventeen of the upper deck.


This is before the Jets apparently forgot that Ken O. is much better at handing the ball to people than he is at throwing it to them
Chargers Drive #2

The Chargers run an excellent barrage of plays consisting of a worthless dump pass to Rod Bernstine, an even more worthless three yard loss by Butts, and a completely worthless job of pass blocking in a Kyle Clifton sack. Punt kicking they be.

Jets Drive #2

The Jets come out for their second drive with one clear objective in mind: To exhibit the worst passing game since the Massachusetts Institute for the Blind and Limbless disbanded their football team in 1983. A sack, a near interception, and an overthrow of an open receiver have put them in a position of strength if this country gets around to voting on important stuff like this.

Chargers Drive #3

Butts is on the move on first down, bringing the rock all the way down to the Jets' 24. Fellatio provides two overthrown passes as an encore and then brings the house down by running straight into a confused and boringly named Joe Mott. Luckily for him and his teammates, John Carney's ridiculously shanked field goal attempt will keep the fans from remembering anything that happened prior to it.

Jets Drive #3

With 41 seconds left, the Jets drain virtually all of the time with mediocre runs but still allow themselves a few waning seconds for Ken O. to toss up an interception.


Commissioner Tagliabue: "Permission to open fire granted, zebras."
End of 2nd Quarter: San Diego-7, New York-0

Halftime

At halftime the Tecmo Super Bowl blimp flew dangerously close to the stadium. Its low altitude was determined to be hostile by the referees who, through the use of their secretly issued surface-to-air missile kits, had the blimp savagely destroyed.

3rd Quarter

Jets Drive #4

Blair Thomas is completely and totally the Jets' offense and he proves it again by picking up fifteen yards on second down. The determined Jets keep trying to make their inept passing game work, however. And this approach is very similar to trying to make a square peg fit into no hole, as O.Brien throws three really disgusting passes that directly lead to Jeff Prokop making another appearance on the field.

Chargers Drive #4


Marion Butts: Not slow
The Chargers run three plays for four yards, which their moms have sugarcoated by saying, "Keep your chin up, that's more than THREE feet per play!" Their fathers, habitual gamblers, are markedly more blunt in their "If you don't learn how to pick up a first down, I'm going to set your pets on fire" remarks.

Jets Drive #5

Ken O. throw two more wounded mallards thinly disguised as "passes" before Blair Thomas is stuffed on third down.

Chargers Drive #5

Marion Butts busts loose for a 32 yard run on second down as the third quarter expires.

End of 3rd Quarter: San Diego-7, New York-0

4th Quarter

Chargers Drive #5 (Continued)


Seriously, Jets, this is a curious move even for you
Completed passes are quite a rarity in this game and the sight of seeing two in a row by the Chargers, the second ending up in the end zone, was as thrilling as that time I realized that the Tim Couch-looking panhandler at the bus station was actually Tim Couch.

14-0, San Diego

Jets Drive #6

The Jets know they could play eight more quarters and never catch the Chargers.........even if San Diego sent their offense home. That doesn't stop the New Yorkers from trotting out, running four ineffective pass plays, and then trotting right back to the sidelines.

Chargers Drive #6

Fellatio gets brutally battered on the first two plays, leaving the Chargers approximately four acres from the first down sticks. A desperation dump spares Tolliver one more sack, but it's not nearly enough as Kidd is summoned to punt kick the ball deep into the stands.

Jets Drive #7

From the "What the fuck?" files: The Jets, with time running out, scramble Pat Leahy onto the field to miss a meaningless field goal from sixty-seven out. Credit for trying? Or ridicule for not scoring in the first place? Let's just make fun of them because they have no clue how to properly utilize Dennis Byrd.




Closing Thought

Tough to pick a player of the game, but I guess I'll go with Fellatio for throwing two TD passes and no picks. He still sucks, but he sucks infinitely less than O.Brien. Of course, there are quarterbacks who aren't even born yet who suck less than O.Brien so this really means nothing.


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