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The game of the week featured two teams that I have slated for a date in the NFC championship. I'm expecting a hard-fought battle between the cheating of the 49ers receivers and the inexcusable drug abuse of the Giants linebackers.

First Quarter

The 49ers won the flip and elected to receive. Matt Bahr laid into the kickoff, drilling it all the way to the 35 yard line, where the 49ers began their first drive.

49ers Drive #1


Great coverage, New York
The 49ers send Craig in motion and run a playaction pass. Jerry Rice does not have a defender in the same Congressional district as him, but Montana elects to show off by throwing into the single-coverage on John Taylor. Taylor easily burns his man and catches the pass. After one play it’s already 7-0 and cornerbacks around the league are searching for a new pair of underwear.

Giants Drive #1

The Giants attempt to send Ottis Anderson around the near end, but the Niners pick the play and obliterate Juice. The next play is a completely covered pass attempt that is sent up for grabs by Phil Simms. The crown jewel of the drive occurs on third down. The Giants again give it to Anderson around the end, which is again picked, BUT WAIT! It’s a flea flicker! And Phil Simms has five people on top of him! The pitch is delivered, Keith DeLong receives it, and streaks to the end zone for another Niners score.

I picked the Giants to win the Super Bowl. Nice start, dipshits.

Giants Drive #2


Pretty standard flea flicker result
The Giants go the shotgun to open up this drive and give the ball to Dave Meggett on a draw. Meggett gets through all three layers of defense and takes the ball 56 yards down to the five yard line. Phil Simms then has his pick of three wide open receivers to overthrow on first down. Ottis Anderson is dragged down at the three on second down. On third down the Giants give it to Anderson who shirks the open field and opts to run headlong into a pile of defenders. In a gross injustice, Anderson barely manages to get his touchdown.

14-7, San Francisco.

49ers Drive #2

Joe Montana becomes enamored with Phil Simms’ quarterbacking abilities and decides to emulate him. And why not? They’ve led to a couple incompletions and a defensive touchdown already. Montana overshoots an open Roger Craig on first down. On second down he has John Taylor wide open, but holds onto the ball forever and gets Lawrence Taylor’s facemask in his back as a result. On third down Montana overshoots Jerry Rice, which results in an interception by Greg Jackson. This was the first drive of the game that didn’t result in points, but we still have yet to see a punt kick.

Giants Drive #3


My screen-capturing slowness was as impressive as Montana's pass throwing terribleness
The Giants go to the Meggett draw again which nets exactly 56 yards less than the last time they ran this play. 2nd down is a playaction pass by Simms, but it looks like a designed rollout. Based on his earlier passing in this game, I would have to say that this was a wise play-calling decision. Simms picks up six but the Anderson dive which follows is picked and destroyed.

End of 1st Quarter: San Francisco-14, New York-7

Second Quarter

Giants Drive #3 (Continued)

Matt Bahr drills a field goal to open up the second quarter and the Giants are on the comeback trail.

49ers Drive #3

This game is definitely changing. The Giants picked the Craig handoff and smother it for a six yard loss. The 49ers call the same play again picking up nine, but their call of Tom Rathman up the middle on 3rd and seven was a wild success, assuming they were shooting for two yards on the play. Helton is on for the first punt kick of the game.

Giants Drive #4


With every second past five that a Tecmo ball-carrier is in bounds, the chances of him fumbling increase 67%
The Giants open up this drive at the eight yard-line and decide to run the same play three times in a row, their playaction pass. On the first play, Mark Ingram is wide open and credit to Mr. Simms, he finds him. Additional credit to Mr. Ingram for leaping and catching the badly overthrown pass. Ingram brings the ball down to the 23. On the next play, Simms throws to a triple-covered Mark Bavaro who has to play defense on three would-be interceptors. The third try has Ingram open in the end zone, but Simms dumps it to Meggett who brings them into first-and-goal territory. Two plays later, Ottis Anderson waltzes into the end zone and Giants have now scored 17 unanswered points.

17-14, New York

On the ensuing kickoff, Dexter Carter fields it on his own goal line and begins a spectacular return. But at his own 45, he coughs it up. The players predictably play hackey-sack with the ball for awhile until New York’s Everson Walls scoops it up and gives the Giants a huge opportunity.

Giants Drive #5

With 46 seconds to work with, the Giants do a great job of wasting precious time with a one yard run by Ottis Anderson. It looks like they are going to go with it again, but it's the flea flicker baby! And this time, a man in a San Francisco uniform doesn’t catch it. Simms hits Ingram who brings it down to the five. Ray Handley takes a timeout, Matt Bahr trots out to do his job, and the Giants sprint into the locker room leading 20-14.

End of 2nd Quarter: New York-20, San Francisco-14

Halftime


Wayne & Garth: "Shwing!"
The first half was very entertaining, but it was nothing compared to intermission. We were treated to the porno halftime, with the winking cheerleader, pucker-lipped babe showing off her sports bra, and the high-kicking cheer twins. And audiences everywhere were streaming to the bathroom when the leaping cheerleader panty-shot appeared on the screen.

3rd Quarter

Giants Drive #6

Efficiency was the name of the game. Things looked bad for the NFC East representatives when Simms tried to split quintuple coverage on first down and Anderson got swarmed under on second down. But Simms came back and threw a beautiful pass to Baker between two defenders that ended up all the way down to the 49ers thirty-five.

Dave Meggett took the Giants nine yards further and another sweet hookup between Simms and Ingram sent the drive to the three, capped by Anderson walking into the end zone with yet another touchdown.

I picked the Giants to win the Super Bowl. And without sarcasm this time let me say, nice start dipshits. 27-14, Giants.

49ers Drive #4

The 49ers finally got the ball back on offense and took full advantage of it by getting their first two plays picked and blown up. On third and ten Montana tried to force a pass to John Taylor, usually a safe decision, but the diving Taylor couldn’t pull it in in single coverage. When they can’t catch a ball with less than four guys around them, I can’t help but think that Frisco is in serious trouble.

Giants Drive #7


It's about damn time, Simms
After forcing passes to him all day, Simms finally connects with Bavaro on second down for a fresh set. On the ensuing second down, he hits Stephen Baker to move the chains again. Ottis Anderson picks up nine yards as the game enters its final quadrant.

End of 3rd Quarter: New York-27, San Francisco-14

4th Quarter

Giants Drive #7 (Continued)

I don’t really recall the exact specifics of what happened on the second half of this drive, as I usually try to avert my eyes when a football team is getting castrated by another, but I do know that the result was the same. Ottis Anderson ended up scoring on another little three yard TD run and the Giants blew open a 34-14 lead. You can expect my level of attention to keep falling even further from here on out.

49ers Drive #5


I have a feeling this won't be the only time we see this scene this season
The 49ers need points fast and they react by running two consecutive dives with Roger Craig and Tom Rathman. Montana finally goes deep on the next play with a five-yard incompletion to Rathman. The play after ends up being a bomb to Jerry Rice that goes for six, but after the Giants 34-0 run, the 49ers should’ve started doing this earlier if they wanted to win.

Giants Drive #8

The Giants clearly have packed it in as they surrender a sack to TD machine Keith DeLong, follow it with a worthless run by Dave Meggett, and top that with an even more worthless pass by Simms. The 49ers are getting the ball back and gamblers everywhere are hinging on them scoring once more to cover the spread.

49ers Drive #6

The 49ers worked a long drive of precision passes from Montana down the field, resulting in one last touchdown pass to Roger Craig as time expired. The 49ers scored the first two and the last two touchdowns of the game, but in between that was one large helping of New York domination that did them in.

Closing Thought

Player of the game has to be Ottis Anderson. His 23 yards rushing are pretty ugly, but his four touchdowns are as hot as the groupies that he’ll be getting with after winning this outrageously sweet award.


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