Going for two, baby
Week 1 didn't deliver a lot in terms of excitement, other than Martin Mayhew's one-man wrecking crew performance and the subsequent Redskins' demolition of Detroit. I'm hoping for a few more injuries and a few more big statistical games in this week. But most of all, I'm hoping for another Colts win in their quest to go 16-0 this regular season.
Indianapolis Colts (1-0) vs. Miami Dolphins (1-0)
Well damn it. The Colts squandered the 115 yards of Albert Bentley and the zero interceptions of Jeff George in losing by the same score they beat the Pats by last week. Pack it in, idiots. I don't care about the playoffs, it was undefeated or bust.
Final Score: Miami-21 Indianapolis-20
Buffalo Bills (0-1) vs. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0)
This interceptionfest featured five combined picks between the two quarterbacks. The two that QB Bills tossed are obviously the result of the great Steeler defense, whereas Brister's three picks were clearly the byproduct of binary bribery. Screw you, Bills.
Final Score: Buffalo-28 Pittsburgh-7
New York Jets (1-0) vs. Seattle Seahawks (0-1)
Someone needs to remind Ken O.Brien and the Jets that they're supposed to suck, because right now they've obviously forgotten that. After Ken O. put up 223 yards passing, the Jets cruised to a victory over the Seahawks. The Seahawks might still get that simulation glitch to work in their favor, but losses to the Jets give me the confidence of an Enron investor that it's going to happen.
Final Score: New York Jets-28 Seattle-14
Cleveland Browns (0-1) vs. New England Patriots (0-1)
Gross. This game looked absolutely disgusting on paper. But now I wish I had watched it, because New England scored 38 points and Grogan went insane completing eight passes to Irving Fryar, while racking up over 300 yards passing. Offensive output like this from the Patriots is not expected. I expect their performance to be offensive, yes, but not in the football sense of the word.
Final Score: New England-38 Cleveland-21
Denver Broncos (1-0) vs. Los Angeles Raiders (0-1)
Zzzzzzzzz. David Treadwell hit a field goal in the fourth to lift the Broncos over the eternally confusing Los Angeles SKP Raiders. I really wish that Bo would dog it in human games like he does in the simulations. What a fucking grandstander.
Final Score: Denver-17 Los Angeles Raiders-14
Chicago Bears (1-0) vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1)
The Bears went into this game without Neal Anderson, but I'm pretty sure you don't need receivers or football experience to beat the Buccaneers. Allow me to reference Mark Green's 161 yards as Exhibit A.
Final Score: Chicago-28 Tampa Bay-7
San Diego Chargers (0-1) vs. San Francisco 49ers (0-1)
The Chargers were just the cure for the longest San Francisco losing streak in Tecmo history (one game.) Their 10 points in the second quarter were not enough, as they apparently didn't realize it was legal and encouraged to score in all four quarters.
Final Score: San Francisco-21 San Diego-10
Cincinnati Bengals (0-1) vs. Houston Oilers (1-0)
Houston's passing game is just blatantly unfair, and Moon's 360 yards in the face of two interceptions further reinforce my point. Their stable of receivers and whistle-pitched quarterbacks are rumored to be the targets of the next federal antitrust lawsuit, after the feds go after me and my monopoly on charisma.
Final Score: Houston-28 Cincinnati-21
Los Angeles Rams (1-0) vs. New York Giants (1-0)
Fresh off a very impressive win over the 49ers, the Giants decided to piss their week 2 game down their legs and lose to the Rams. The Rams had no overly spectacular statistics, but their 37 points have this first place team believing that six wins is a genuine possibility.
Final Score: Los Angeles Rams-37 New York Giants-21
Philadelphia Eagles (0-1) vs. Phoenix Cardinals (0-1)
The Eagles were ahead 24-0 after three quarters and subsequently left the stadium. In a telling sign of things to come this season, the Cardinals were still only able to manage 14 points against Philadelphia's zero players.
Final Score: Philadelphia-24 Phoenix-14
Detroit Lions (0-1) vs. Green Bay Packers (1-0)
Barry Sanders went off for 142 yards, but the inept Lions couldn't overcome the Green Bay Bob quotient as the Pack Attack improved to 2-0.
Final Score: Green Bay-24 Detroit-14
Dallas Cowboys (1-0) vs. Washington Redskins (1-0)
The Redskins choked this game away, losing 13-0 in the fourth quarter. The Cowboys now stand alone in first in the East, which any rabbi will agree is NOT a kosher situation.
Final Score: Dallas-23 Washington-17
Atlanta Falcons (0-1) vs. Minnesota Vikings (0-1)
Good things cannot be in store for your team when you follow up a loss to a Neal Anderson-less Bears squad with one to a talent-less Falcons team. Chris Miller inexplicably completed 90% of his passes and in an extra move that can only be labeled as either "inappropriate" or "sweet," successfully gave his hotel keys to Rick Fenney's girlfriend.
Final Score: Atlanta-36 Minnesota-10
Player of the Week
I thought about going with a split award for Grogan and Irving Fryar, but split awards are for cowards who can't make hard decisions. I chose Grogan who put up his numbers without the aid of athletic ability, as opposed to Fryar who cheated and put his to use.
Neal Anderson (Week 1)
James Brooks (Week 1)
Coming next week...
- Week 3 results
- Player of the Week
-Game of the Week: Cincinnati vs. Cleveland