Written and Contributed by Baseman
The Philadelphia Eagles are a team that I first used just to try and figure out why the hell someone was branded QB Eagles. Being the young lad that I was at the time, I thought it possibly was a secret code of some sort that would give me an extra sai to use with Rapheal or unlock a betting table in which I could put dibs on who would win the super bowl for the next century. I let all my speculation subside, and put two and two together and came to the conclusion that the Tecmo just didnít know who played there and instead of owning up to it, put random letters where a mans name should be. Come to find out, I was wrong here as well. Years later, I must have been extremely bored and read the newspaper one morning. It is at this exact point in time that I became aware that there were actually abbreviations for things, and noticed that QB meant quarterback and that the Eagles were the team that he played for (true story). Needless to say, I was pissed off that there was no secret code and I thought that I had been gypped in some way and that the next Cracker Jack box wouldnít have a prize in it. Now that I have helped you reach a state of nirvana with the nonsense that is the above, lets move on to what you clicked here to see in the first place.
QB ****ing Eagles. He is the whole shebang on this squad and is known to some in Philly as a mythical being who they call god. Due to some kind of licensing restrictions (thatís the garbage excuse I heard), Tecmo butchered his name and gave him a phrase that will forever be etched into the sands of time and in the midst of their stupidity, bewitched kids(me) into thinking it actually meant something. Now with that said, Iím guessing that one of the programmers slept with Randallís wife and in a fit of understandable rage, Randall hummed a football at him and over a decade later it is still lodged in the said persons anus. Trying to make amends, Tecmo gave Randall the attributes that would be more fitting for MJ in his prime or that chick named Wonder Woman. Without looking at his stat screen, I can tell you that he can run faster than almost all of the running backs in the league and has an arm that wonít quit. Now donít get me wrong, Randall was a hell of a player and he could still QB for Cincinnati, but was he really worthy of such high stats? Iím thinking no. But since this happened, you got people who use nothing but Philly just to dominate with him and when given the chance to play with another team, even like SF, they perform like Justin Timberlake because Montana canít run out of sight in a week. Hell, what am I saying, who doesnít use Randall to win games? Especially when you got a man backing him up who contrary to his name is not in the wrestling industry, no longer has the fridge to hand off to, has mastered the art of standing along the sideline with a malfunctioning headset whilst talking to himself, and will only grace us with his presence under center if Randall: dies, gets struck by lightning, catches a hernia or somehow gets launched into the suns corona. Simply put, never.
The Eagles running game is ______ ___ ____ ______ ________ __ ___ _ _________
You can fill in the blanks with swear words of your choosing because if I had said non-existent, I would have been laughed off the planet for such an understatement.
With the obvious exception of the enigma that is one QB Eagles, all four(4) of them have near identical perfect stats.....for a toddlers Barbie car stuck in reverse. In the rare instance, rarer then a sighting of the boogey man, does any of these hobos in disguise touch a football all bets are off because who knows what can happen. You might get lucky and pass the line of scrimmage if youíre playing Indy or maybe fumble to Randall so he can pick it up and run. I canít find a reason why the running back coach didnít experiment with the towel boy, because even that laundry list of problems is surely better than anything RB 1-4 can do. If there were a way to get 8 passing plays into the playbook or if I could find that damn screw to open the cart up, I would disavow all knowledge of Philly having these monstrosities and stab the piece of memory that is their existence into bits and pieces that you need a high powered microscope to see until it is no longer recognizable.
The man youíre looking for here is Keith Jackson. Yes, he is the tight end but better than any of the wide outs. Iím not saying that the receivers are Seattle like, but they just donít have the "oomph", like Madden would say. Pro T Flare D is executed to above perfection with Randall and Keith so basically that means until you get to week 8, at least a 20 yard pick up each time. Use it wisely. If Keith happens to go down,(donít pass) you can either rely on the so-so receiving unit or put in Harper Le Bel, who asked Tecmo to scramble up his name so we could play hangman with it and to hide from the embarrassment that is being a backup tight end.
You know, Iím going to honestly say that I canít recall any of the names of these guys without cheating and that can only mean one thing; they blow. So now I'll cheat a little bit and take a peak at the stats page, only to bring you a full team review and to fill up some more space here....
They still blow.
Everyone knows Reggie White and everyone also knows that he is hall of fame bound, which means putting your number on anyone else on this defense will be considered a mortal sin and youíll be damned for eternity. Well, ok maybe not but I can at least say you've been drinking a little too much if you do. They donít call him the sackmaster for nothing. The opposing OL got nothing on him, and as soon as that last hut is heard, this man becomes what is known today as shearing force. This means that it will seem like the OL will open up like that river or whatever did in the bible and the next thing that youíll see is Reggie flexing those muscles in a stance in which we in Cajuntown refer to as the "you just got pee-layed", stance. I donít think its possible to get a .wav file here for your audio enjoyment but trust me its sounds about as humiliating as the most humiliating thing you can think of. The other defensive linemen go unnoticed and I'll help them stay that way.
The linebackers are all average and you shouldn't be using them anyway for the reason that you already are aware of. I donít remember any of them in real life although it seems Seth Joyner and Jerome Brown have decent stats, but nothing to tell ET to phone home about. Thatís about it for these guys.
The cornerbacks are alright and I donít know if Eric Allen is related in any way to Marcus Allen because if so then that would further prove my hypothesis that the cornerbacks are alright. Thereís nothing much in the rumor mill about the other corner, Ben Smith, other then he seems to possess an overly elongated cranium. Moving on...
Now I donít know if itís the curse of the Bambino or what, but I seem to be choosing to profile teams that have safeties whose work habit makes me want to vomit. Other then being the worst attribute-wise safety in Tecmo history, taking a quick, keen look at Andre Water's mug shot will reveal the line where he super glued Reggie's picture on top of his and added extra eyebrow thickness for effect. Also, after some deliberation, it was concluded that my penis is longer than all of his stat bars put side by side. This, my friends, is why if you suck and know you suck, you should just do yourself a favor and hang it up because one day your hard work and years of practice may become comic relief for whoever reads this.
As a last line of defense, the Tecmo deities have bestowed upon us Feagles the Eagle and Roger Ruzek. Feagles has been punting for a long time and may still be doing so as I am not up to date on the status of whoís punting where because frankly I could care less. Mr. Roger's Neighborhood went off the air so if you thought you would get to see an man in his 60's put on his sweater and shoes so elegantly and talk to an omnipotent trolley, sorry this is a different Roger and he kicks good enough for me.
To finally sum it all up, use the Eagles to point and laugh at the people who forget that this isnít backyard ball and the QB can run. But be careful, save Randall for the moment when they least expect it and youíll be the one who gets the last laugh.