Written and Contributed by Baseman
When I think of the New England Patriots, I cant help but think of their recent super bowl victories and their so called "dynasty" over the last few years. These modern Patriots have it all: a defense that can tackle, an offensive that can gain yards, freaking Viniteri and not to mention the chicks dig Tom Brady. Hell, if your 13 and under you would think that the Patriots were always a team of ass kicking caliber. If I were to tell my 12 year old brother that the Pats actually sucked the big one once, he would laugh at me and then attempt to powerbomb me into the nearest trampoline. So if this team overview suprises you so much that you catch a cramp, collapse from heat exaustion or type nasty retialition letters and send them to my inbox, I hereby declare that I am not responsible for the hell that I will unleash upon you with my legions of rabid penguins who are trained to raise hell on my signal. You were warned.
Before we even get to the team dissections, look at the uniforms of our heroic Patriots. What do you see? Spears and swords? Tales written that depict victories aganist the mighitiest of armies? Flags of our country sewn on them? Mel Gibson's ass cheeks? No. I'll tell you what you see...
Just what the hell is going on here? Now dont get me wrong, the Patriot hiking the ball looks bad ass but beyond that is up for grabs and I might let the preschool art department see what they can manage. Anyone with [_____] much of a brain knows that real men dont come within 42 miles of anything remotely resembling a pinkish hue. Why are the Patriots mocking themselves? Because they arent real men. Tecmo decided if they were going to be the practice squad for my middle school football team they might as well make them wear pink. Which is fitting because it gives me something to laugh at while I use them solely to throw with Grogan to see how far I can overthrow my recievers by. Which brings us to what we all wanted to hear about anyway...
Grogan, Steve. Born a boy, grew up to be a sorry excuse for a football player. I honestly dont know where to start here. Well, lets go ahead and look a big G's stats because its a dreary day and I need a good laugh.
STEVE GROGAN AKA "MORTAR SHOT"
First of all, sub him immediately. If you actually use this guy in a game that you intend to get first downs may god have mercy on your soul. Not that Marc (notice the c) Wilson is worth looking at but the name Grogan has such a negative connotation in the Tecmo community that when anything bad happens it is often referred to as "____ pulled a Grogan". You dont want to be in the middle of a game and then pull a Grogan because then your chance of winning takes a fart and then the fumes come your way. He who denied it supplied it, son.
Since running with him is automatically out of the question, I wont even speculate upon his craptastic running abilites. Suffice it to say that the only thing worthwhile is the 69 rushing power that the kids in the 8-10 year range will get a slight chuckle out of. Maybe even a "ha ha look its 69" but thats asking a lot.
PASSING SPEED - 13
What this actually means is that since Grogan is too sorry to throw downfield, he resorts to setting up a concrete bunker armed with a mortar, inserting football and then launching it skyward. Hence the nickname "mortar shot". Nearly all of his passes go off the top of the screen and if that isnt bad enough I have heard remours of NASA executives yearning to get their hands on Grogans vaunted shotputs once someone finally gets tired of him and chops them off. Just think of the new celestial wonders we could discover if we knew the art of launcing something in the air like Grogan does. Gone would be the days of needing rocket fuel to propel our spaceships and gravity would be a thing of the past. Just use the hands of Grogan (replicated of course) and baby, your on your way. Gravity, bah, who needs it.
PASS CONTROL - 25
In reality, this is how old Grogan should of been when he decided to be in Tecmo, not the wrinkily, toxic waste infected old man his picture makes him out to be. Since 25 is still young, his parents often come to the games to cheer him on because no one else would. Thus, sometimes during the course of the game he deems it necessary to "accidently" hurl a few passes into the stands intending to make the football look as if its masquerading as a souviner to try to make up for his parents years of relenting embarassment. Nevertheless, Grogan still has a hard time hitting the stands, often throwing onto the field, hitting a scoreboard or even worse I've seen a mindless Grogan pass bust through my window and bludegon my teddy bear. This sort of ruthless intentional crime is punishable, and dammit whats worse then a 25 pass control stat. I laugh at you Grogan.
PASSING ACCURACY - 31
This would be incorrect even if we were playing horse shoes. A panel of brain surgeons that I polled came to a unanimous conclusion that it is impossible to compute Grogans passing accuracy because one needs to actually see where the ball goes and the trajectory that it takes to do such a thing. Which is humanly impossible if the pass is shotputted into the stratosphere. Alas, you get the number 31 which was a random number that Tecmo pulled straight out of their asses. Next.
AVOID PASS BLOCK - 44
You might have noticed that this is the highest of master Grogans stats and because of that you also might not have thought that much of it. Since it is my job to understand what exactly is going on here, I will enlighten thee.
If you throw the ball 91 nautical miles straight up into the air, the defense will have a hell of a time blocking it. Which is why I would think Steve's avoid pass block should actually read - EXTREME (if you block this you are god himself).
I've had enough fun with Grogan to last a month, so lets move on, k?
All I got to say here is MOSI TATUPU.
I mean just look at his name and then say it slowly to yourself if no ones around. Moosssiiii Tattttuuuuppppuu. Once you say it about 5 times your body should react by going into a state of deep hibernation and meditation which will hopefully releave the stress of having to watch him run the ball the whole game. Sub Stephens for Mosi because Mosi has a cooler name. Intentionally forget that NE has other running backs because you must rememeber that the sole purpose of using the Pats is to make fun of them. This can be accomplished by putting Mosi in. Trust me.
Other then Iriving Fryar's unhuman ability to jump a mile in the air to catch a horrid Grogan cheesecake and not to mention his habit of dropping touchdown passes in national championship games, theres nothing much to see here. All of your recievers are pretty average and make really good third stringers. Even if they had any athletic talent it would surely be negated because not everyone is a freaking kangaroo like Fryar and most Grogan potshots soar a mile over their heads. I could make a really crappy joke about Hart Lee Dykes but I'm sure you've already heard it. I look at Marv Cook's stats and suprisingly he is decent but ruined his career by putting on a pink jersey. Oh, and if your name is Eric and your a backup tightend on the Pats you have my sympathy.
Bruce Armstrong gets the honorable mention because I think I remember his name. These guys are all decent and will be blocking A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT because it takes just that long for Mosi to carry himself over the line of scrimmage or Grogan to get his angle set correctly on the little gauge on his mortar. What else is there to say about the offensive line? Oh yeah, lay off the buscuits and gravy.
Ray Agnew was a beast in his day but you never hear from him in Tecmo land. All the other D-liners suck and it should be noted that Tim Goad is the worst nose tackle I have ever seen. Think your gonna get off easy because all your life it takes you .34 seconds to write your name? Think your quick and flashy, big guy? Tecmo will take care of your ass, pal. Worst stats ever.
Andre Tippett gets the nod here because his name sounds like Lippett, whom we will get to shortly. Ed Reynolds, Richard Harvey and Chris Singeleton were homeless people who wandered onto the field by mistake. Don't even look at your linebackers for nothing good will come of it. Just (try to)play defense like they dont exist. And while your at it, keep count of how many times Harvey misses a tackle or gets rolled on his ass. If it gets to where you've lost count, or cant count high enough, entrust the use of your handy dandy calculator. It will aid you on your quest.
RONNIE LIPPETT AMEN HALLEULA!!!
Finally someone worth a damn to talk about.
Due to his teammates overall blowingness(hey I can make up words) it is common occurance to see a pissed off Ronnie Lippett scouring in the secondary waiting to pounce like a deranged wolf. If you are running an offense and you happen to come across the rare species know as the pissed off Ronnie Lippetts you should veer away immediately or sacrafice yourself willingly. These bastards will put you in a world of pain. I have heard tales of Lippetts ripping peoples limbs off and eating them. I have heard tales of Lippetts drilling carcasses into the crust of the Earth. I've even seen with my own eyes a Lippett run full force into an unsuspecting victim and not only was I scarred for life, a vison came to me in which a spirit told me that if I were to ever look in Lippetts general direction I would turn to stone. But if you are controlling Lippett, you automatically win. Why? Becuase its RONNIE FREAKING LIPPETT AND HE'S PISSED OFF DAMMIT!!!AND HE WANTS REVENGE ARGGGGHHH!!!
Dont even think about any other defensive backs and good luck with your endeavors.
Kicker and Punter
Punting was the first word that the Pats offensive coordinator learned and you would think that he would have hired an actual punter not a doorstop. Hell, he'd even make crappy doorstop. Put together a crappy offense and a bullcrap stat punter and you have a team that you should never, ever use. I make the punter look bad and I cant punt a football 30 yards to save my life. *pukes all over computer monitor*
Jason Stafhgtbjnvdjouski name is too long and for that he loses 30 points on my coolness meter. However, he is the biggest scoring threat that the Patriots have and he should be covered accordinly in my review here which would mean ending the sentence now.
Now you know the reasons behind that Patriots blatant suckage if they werent already so obvious to you. Stay far, far, lightyears, millenium away from this team full of wannabes and youll live to see another day. If you decide to play a whoel game with them, it is mandatory pull a joke about Hart Lee Dykes and see how your vertical jump comapres to the horsepower of Groagans mortar.
Oh and watch out for those relentless Lippetts, they are everywhere.