Von Kaiser does a pre-fight break dance.
The feelings of the World Circuit fighters were summed up best by Piston Honda, who when addressing the media stated:
“We’re downright ticked off at the media trying to claim that the Major Circuit has any value. It’s time for the World Circuit to show how men really fight.”
Fight they did this Wednesday night as the World Circuit took center stage and perhaps even anointed its first challenger to World Champion, Soda Popinski. It was a night of undefeateds, as Piston Honda and Mr. Sandman fought it off in the under card and Von Kaiser rode his momentum into a fight with the legendary Mike Tyson.
WC #3 Piston Honda (1-0) vs. WC #4 Mr. Sandman (1-0)
The American crowd was hot all night in this one as they levied their support behind the 1-0 Sandman. Piston Honda, eagerly awaiting the chance to shut the crowd up, flaunted his #3 ranking to the point of nausea as he reportedly told Sandman “You can take your ignorant fans further to drunkenness after I pound you hard!” before the fight. Experts are being called in to determine if he was supposed to be intimidated by this or not.
The match started to the roars of the crowd as Mr. Sandman began an amateur skull reshaping on Piston Honda. Honda was getting severely battered from the opening bell and his feeble attempts at flicking his eyebrows and dancing around were met with punches and derisive laughter. Astounded that Sandman was not intimidated by these ancient Japanese practices known as “kinji poma”, which translates loosely as, “Prances like idiot swiftly”, Honda went to his backup plan of absorbing punches with his face. Boxing analysts don’t expect this plan to be employed globally anytime soon.
The reason for this, despite its promising theoretical value, is that Sandman sent Honda to the canvas midway through the first round. Old Glory began waving throughout the arena as Honda stumbled to his feet with all the grace of a newborn moose.
Between rounds, Honda did his usual “TKO from Tokyo” speech while Mr. Sandman experimented with new ways to invert his mouth.
Coming out in the second, it appeared that Honda might deliver on his promise. While Honda had shut up, mostly due to the fact that the swelling in the oral area made it mandatory, Sandman was showing Piston his new facial contortions. A sharp right hand to the face and Sandman was given a brand new, Everlast-inspired contortion……that sent him to the canvas.
The crowd was again stunned, like the sheep they have proven themselves to be over the past few weeks, but let out a nice “USA!” chant when Sandman returned to his feet. The rest of the round proved to be a lot of Sandman trying to stay on his feet while the battered Honda worked on him further.
Between rounds, the two communicated through an intricate Morse code-like sequence where Honda did the eyebrow thing and Sandman wiggled his mouth around.
In the third and final round, the two decided to let their fists do the talking. While nobody will confuse this with the “Thrilla in Manila”, they put on a fun little display of boxing. They traded punches marvelously for a few minutes. Neither man was in any real danger, although Honda appeared to be faltering as the final seconds ticked off.
The drama was set for the reformed WVBA’s first decision. A three man judging system, standard for the World Circuit (as opposed to the Major Circuit’s one judge) was ready to announce their results. On the card of judge Slo Mo Jones, Honda was given a 29-27 edge. On the card two, scored by one of the little Eskimos from Ice Climber, Sandman received a slight 28-27 edge. With a one point differential in favor Piston Honda, the match was finally decided on the card of fellow Philly native, Rocky Balboa, who scored the fight 30-0.5 in favor of Sandman.
This certainly elicited outrage from Honda’s camp who felt, and rightfully so, that they had been screwed. In garbled English, Honda’s trainer claimed “Score unright no good! Devil take belt spot! Eat lamp bun goo!” With the help of a private investigator, it was determined that he was voicing displeasure over the match result.
Pressured to respond, Balboa said, “Yo, , I, uh, scored the fight. I…..scored the fight as I saw it.” When told that “0.5” isn’t even a valid score, Balboa defended himself by saying, “Yo Adrian…….what they talkin’ about?”
Honda’s camp has vowed to appeal……….we think.
WC #1 Mike Tyson (0-0) vs. WC #2 Von Kaiser (1-0)
This match was again stirring the American pride as the Catskill Kid was taking on the man who felled American Icon, Little Mac, the week before. That man is of course, Von Kaiser, who made waves in the American press by saying:
“You Americans are evil because you saved France!”
The French government briefly considered releasing a statement denouncing Kaiser’s comments, but fearing German retaliation and invasion quickly tabled the motion.
As if Tyson wasn’t over enough with the crowd, the local rapists union 741 obtained free tickets to cheer on their brother. Unlike the match before it, the wild momentum swings were negligible in this bout. Two things that really stood out throughout the match were that Von Kaiser was solidifying himself as a true contender and Mike Tyson as a man with a tattoo on his face.
The first round was very balanced, with neither man being overly aggressive. This alarmed many analysts, including guest analyst Dan Rather who labeled his passiveness as “A dad-gum conundrum like the spotted coyote on a half-mooned eve.” Tyson, on the other hand, kept his ear-nibbling to a minimum. He later explained this by saying that he was a “new and changed man” and perhaps more importantly that he was “full.” Either way, the hot crowd was only whetting their appetites in this round.
Round two was not much more exciting. While both men attempted to open up their arsenal, they were getting rebuffed in their advances. The crowd even booed briefly during this round, but witnesses in the crowd say this was due to Popeye, a V.I.P. in the arena, being restrained in an altercation with Billy Lee, the Double Dragon legend and avowed WVBA fanatic.
The third round wasn’t going to deliver any knockouts, but it did deliver a fine exhibition of the sweet science. With two minutes remaining in the fight, Von Kaiser foolishly panicked and looked to move in too hard. Tyson blocked two straight uppercuts and unleashed a devastating 1-2-3 combination that nearly dislodged the mouth-guard of the German. Kaiser, subsequently, was on the defense for the rest of the round.
The crowd was eagerly anticipating a favorable result in the night’s second decision. Slo Mo Jones scored the fight 30-29, Tyson, and the Eskimo did as well. With Balboa being removed due to the controversy in the first fight, WVBA owner Doc Louis also scored the fight 30-29 in favor of Tyson. The arena erupted in celebration as Tyson won his debut match. Kaiser, coming tantalizingly close to victory, was on the verge of tears. Only a night of heavy drinking with Bald Bull would cure these woes.
-Doc Louis has agreed to hear a protest from the Honda camp regarding the scoring of his match with Mr. Sandman
-Dan Rather described the night by saying, “It was hotter than the griddle cakes of aunt Martha’s range and darn near as delicious.”
-The word backstage was that a Great Tiger vs. Bald Bull title fight is nearly finalized.
-The Popeye/Billy Lee scrum was apparently caused by Lee referring to spinach as “weird old dude food.”
-Von Kaiser reportedly blamed his loss on Glass Joe.