"Listen to me Von! Pound his pink jumpsuit back to the stone age!"


The World Video Boxing Association headed back to the ring tonight with a gigantic night of fighting that had created a buzz throughout the boxing world. While the WVBA creates somewhat of a media frenzy no matter where it fights, this night had even more intrigue. For one thing, this was a star-studded lineup. The circuit’s most popular fighter, Little Mac, was making his first appearance in the reformed WVBA. With that, the World Circuit was also getting its biggest night so far with the #2 (Little Mac) and #4 (Von Kaiser) contenders squaring off. Also, the Major Circuit was putting on a match that would go a long way towards determining who Great Tiger would defend his title against first.

But even these paled in comparison to the circus surrounding the fact that the “Istanbul Idiots” as Doc Louis has dubbed them, Von Kaiser and Bald Bull, were making their first appearances in the reformed WVBA and their first appearances since their infamous scandal. At the pre-fight press conference Kaiser said that his “Fists would do the talking” and Bull responded by saying, “Yeah, what he said.” Onto the fights:

MC #1 Bald Bull (0-0) vs. MC #2 Super Macho Man (1-0)

This match was enough to get Max Kellerman’s panties in a bunch. “This is going to be a fantastic fight that will bring the masses out!” shouted Kellerman at 100 miles per hour. He then added, “Shut up, Woody! Next topic!” Either way, Super Macho Man was coming in at 1-0, but relatively untested due to the fact that his one match was against perennial doormat, Glass Joe. Bald Bull was coming in untested as well at 0-0, but he also had the scandal still lingering over his head.

In the first round of the match, the two fighters spent a lot of time feeling each other out. The crowd was hotly divided, but not in terms of the fight. Rather, they were divided over which was more disgusting, the Macho Man’s breast bounces or Bald Bull’s alarming amount of body hair. Regardless, the first round was spent with both fighters clutching and grabbing more than a midseason NHL game. At the end of the first round, it was clearly a split decision.

Feeling good about himself, Super Macho Man began spouting off about his hair and his physique. Bald Bull, however, growled like a riled up wildebeast as he prepared for the next round. As they entered the second round, Macho was feeling pretty confident in his abilities. He began to pander to the crowd who was turning hard against the Hollywood pretty boy. As he lifted his arm in the air to rev up the crowd, Bull moved in for the kill, but was rocked with a devastating right hand to the jaw. Clearly staggered from the blow, Bull teetered on the edge of falling. Macho raised his arms and moved in for the kill, but was unable to fell the giant as Bull fell into his arms drawing a break from referee Mario.

Getting more and more cocky, Macho Man felt the match was coming into his grasp. This time he raised his arm again and turned his back on Bull. When he turned around, he was the recipient of a hellacious Bull Charge/Uppercut combo that saw Macho fly across the ring. Ten counts from referee Mario later and Bald Bull cemented his spot as the number one fighter in the Major Circuit.

“This just show that Bull mean fighter. You die, western pigs. You die slow death like Macho! HAHAHAHAHA!” shouted Bald Bull as he returned to his jubilant corner.

With this win, Bald Bull has the inside track at Great Tiger’s Major Circuit belt.

WC #2 Little Mac (0-0) vs. WC #4 Von Kaiser (0-0)

As huge as the opening match was, this match really saw the crowd turn out in huge numbers as the resident golden boy, Little Mac, was returning to the ring. Many were wondering how Little Mac would fare without Doc Louis in his corner. Doc declined to comment on the matter, but Little Mac had this bit of information to offer.

“With my new trainer, the old man from The Legend of Zelda, I cannot fail. Plus, the power of the pink jumpsuit is with me along with my legions of fans.”

When Von Kaiser was announced to the crowd, he was soundly booed by the sellout crowd who clearly had no love for the German drunkard. Von was very hot in his replies to the crowd as he did not take the verbal abuse very well.

“I heard him call the crowd a bunch of cowards and that he would knock us out with a Budweiser bottle if he had the chance.” said Luigi, who was the guest of honor.

Little Mac entered with the old man, clad in a pink robe with “Fingers of Fire” written on his robe, a not-so-subtle sign of appreciation to the numerous gamers who made him the champion back in the day.

When the standing ovation finally died down, everyone remembered that there was actually a match to take place. Early on, Little Mac showed his style that we have come to know. While having put on a visible 30+ pounds, Mac continued to try and employ his fast stick-and-move style. Von Kaiser, the strategist, sat back and allowed the more sizeable Mac to try and execute his combinations. The crowd was a bit alarmed with the sluggishness of Mac’s fighting and heading into the second round, Mac was down on Slo Mo Jones’ scorecard, 10-9.

The second round, however, is one that won’t be forgotten for quite some time. Right out of the gates, Little Mac scored a star with a quick jab to the gut of Von Kaiser. But as he struggled to go for one of his infamous “star punches”, Kaiser snapped out of his shell. A hard blow to the side followed by a body/head combo rocked Mac backwards. A vicious right uppercut and Little Mac was down.

“GET UP!!” flashed on the bottom of the ring as the crowd shouted encouragements to Mac. The old man cryptically yelled, “A blue potion awaits you in dark cavern” but no one could see how this would help Mac. Mac did finally reemerge at an eight count, but at this point Von Kaiser was securing control.

Little Mac went back to work to try and salvage what had been a disaster. He dodged a few uppercuts and delivered a series of tough head shots, but the excess weight slowed him to the point he couldn’t keep the rhythm going. The much more polished Kaiser delivered a combo of three uppercuts that floored Little Mac for good, knocking him out at 2:05 of the second round.

Boxing analysts hailed it as one of the most surprising outcomes of the year. Von Kaiser instantly solidified himself as a true contender, while it became apparent that crowd support alone wasn’t going to help the pear-shaped Mac win matches.

-The old man helped Mac to his feet with his cane
-Von Kaiser and Bald Bull celebrated their wins with a “Stone Cold beer bash” in the ring that covered the ring in suds.
-The “Istanbul Idiots” were pelted with debris by the irate crowd.
-Doc Louis was reportedly mortified by the match outcomes.
-The popcorn at the concession stand was reported to be a little on the stale side.