The Super Macho Man's totally tubular post-fight statement.
The World Video Boxing Association made its official return tonight as two matches took place in the first boxing since 1994. The building was packed with reporters and celebrities, who turned out to witness the event.
“Oh yeah, man, I wouldn’t miss a minute of this…” remarked Lance from Contra. “With the vile Red Falcon under control, I felt this was a good time to see some Nintendo history.”
Red Falcon himself was seated next to Lance and began shooting spiders and heat-seeking flames at the human hero, but was quickly shown the door by the man, er, beast in charge of security, Donkey Kong.
In all, celebrity row included the dinosaurs from Bubble Bobble, the dog from Duck Hunt, the guy who yells “HITS THE PASS!” on Blades of Steel, and Oh, the feared cleanup hitter for the Japanese Robins on Baseball Stars.
Make no mistake about it, however, everyone was clearly focused on the in-ring events this night. It was certainly a night of boxing that won’t be forgotten by any that were in attendance.
MC #2 Glass Joe vs. MC #4 Super Macho Man
In a battle of two Major Circuit Contenders, “The Glass Jaw of France”, Glass Joe, took his #2 ranking against “The Hollywood Muscle Man”, Super Macho Man who was ranked fourth.
As Super Macho Man was announced, he flexed his disturbing pectoral muscles repeatedly in an attempt to get into the head of the Frenchman. Upon his introduction, Glass Joe raised his fist but was clearly intimidated.
“Who was I kidding?” Joe said after the fight. “This was a big, big man who clearly had no issues with exterminating me as quickly as possible.”
Indeed, Super Macho Man took control right from the opening bell, delivering a hard series of crazy uppercuts and diving hooks at Glass Joe.
“I just came straight from the gym where I had just maxed out pretty nicely, so I knew I had him where I wanted him. Plus, when I saw his life bar filling up, I knew it was time…” Time….for the Super Spin Punch. Macho threw four successive punches that Glass Joe didn’t even come close to blocking. Ten counts later from referee Mario, Super Macho Man was declared the victor.
While Super Macho Man’s post-fight quote is well-publicized at the top of this page, Glass Joe too had some words following his thorough butt-kicking.
“Macho’s a good fighter and I know if that Kaiser guy ever comes to take me out, AGAIN, that Macho will have my back.”
Super Macho Man slid up to #2 in the Major Circuit rankings following his victory.
WC #5 Mr. Sandman vs. MC #3 King Hippo
While the decimation of Glass Joe was pretty much expected in the first match, the main event of the evening held much more intrigue. King Hippo, ranked in the bottom half of the Major Circuit, was getting a chance to do battle with a World Circuit contender. And if this is the only chance he ever gets to fight at that level, he can sure be proud of his effort.
These two men had never fought before and Mr. Sandman was clearly over-confident and unaware of King Hippo’s arsenal. Sandman came out right away, flailing like a madman, only to have his punches rebuffed and then returned with a devastating jab.
“He kept blocking me and then opening his mouth like he wanted to eat me. I mean, my God, what was I supposed to think at that point?”
Indeed, the sell-out crowd was audibly gasping and clearly in shock as King Hippo mixed his arsenal of advanced “mouth-open” and “mouth-shut” blows to perfection. Mr. Sandman was clearly caught off-guard and at 2:15 of the first round, became the second modern-era WVBA fighter to taste canvas.
“HITS THE……..MAT!” yelled out the Blades announcer over the din of the crowd.
Mario gave Sandman a six-count before he returned to his feet and limped through the rest of the round. The usual unpleasantries were exchanged during the break with Sandman blathering on about Hippo’s dreams and Hippo blathering on about his little crown and his standard “HA HA HA’s.” Taking some tips from this corner, Mr. Sandman immediately stemmed the offensive in the second round. He began ducking the “mouth-closed” punches and then socking Hippo in the face on the “mouth-open” variety.
“I swear I drew uvula on one of those punches” related Sandman.
Sandman quickly began to wear down on King Hippo, but Hippo was standing his ground until the two minute mark of the 2nd, when his short began to fall down with every Sandman punch. A humiliated Hippo reached down to cover his unmentionables, while Sandman would drive a punch into the King’s gut, further damaging his opponent.
“I noticed he came out with tape on his belly-button in the third round, I must have hurt him.”
Indeed, Hippo came out with tape on his naval and duct tape on his shorts, but it was to little avail. Hippo valiantly laid into Sandman with a couple jaw-shattering rights, before the Sandman dropped Hippo’s shorts again. It was elementary at that point. Sandman then worked the crowd into a frenzy and then executed his deadly “Midnight Sleeper” uppercut combo to put Hippo, and his shorts, down for good.
“That’s just a sight I never want to see again” lamented Sandman..
Indeed, Hippo must have been feeling the same about the canvas. It was a brutal struggle that saw Sandman come out on top. Neither man’s rankings were affected by the match, but both gained some valuable experience for the future.
-Doc Louis called the night an unmitigated success
-Talks with Don Flamenco appear to be worsening as both sides are very far apart right now on bringing the “Red Rose of Spain” back to the ring.
-Glass Joe was commenting about retiring again, but nobody cared and he quietly left the building.
-Mega Man was on the guest list but no-showed the event.
-The fights were seen in brilliant 52 color display.