WVBA in the DMZ. Courtesy TMZ.

Demilitarized Zone (LP) - - -

Doc Louis might be physically incapable of not stirring the pot. While that pot generally contains baked beans, the figurative pot also gets its fair share of agitation from the bear-like commissioner. This was proven again today when the WVBA held its weigh-in leading up to the World Circuit Title fight in the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea. Weapons, democracy, and smiles are banned in this 2.5 mile wide stretch of earth, but in a twist that bends believability, apparently this video game boxing carnival is not.

WVBA observers and bored internet surfers have known for some time that a Mike Tyson/Piston Honda fight for the World Circuit strap was in the works. The location of this throwdown, however, had been the source of much speculation. The smart money was on Tokyo, a natural tie-in with Piston Honda’s homeland and Mike Tyson’s 1989 loss to boxing’s Chumbawumba, Buster Douglas. With North and South Korea on the verge of hostilities, however, the festivities were rerouted slightly north. Taking the podium to announce the news, Doc Louis cheerfully noted the rising hostilities in the region and casually bellowed that the WVBA would “set this sumbitch ablaze.”

The ability of a bunch of washed-up video game characters to rekindle international hostilities is debatable, but if it does get pulled off, you know Mike Tyson will be involved in some capacity. Initially weighing in at 275 pounds, Tyson’s weight was readjusted to a more reasonable 227 after the sizeable sack of igneous rocks he was carrying was removed from the scale. This move was undertaken at the promoters’ peril: Tyson had traded his entire payday for this fight for the rocks, which local street youths had told him possessed supernaturally erotic powers, and he was reluctant to part with them. While the uninitiated likely felt sorry for a duped Tyson, veteran WVBA observers already knew Tyson gets paid in magic beans.

Outside of the weight hiccup, Tyson delivered very little of substance. Commenting on Piston Honda, Tyson noted he felt it would be a “difficult challenger [sic] and stuff” to fight Honda at home. When a reporter replied that Honda was from Japan, not Korea, Tyson floored the audience by clarifying he was referring to “Earth.” An astonished Tyson camp quickly ended his time at the microphone, realizing this fleeting moment of geographical lucidity was likely to devolve into his usual play-by-play of the previous night’s activities in his ant farm.

While Tyson is clearly the WVBA’s biggest draw in most parts of the planet, Piston Honda is the king in Asia. NHK Television, still reaping the benefits its shrewd video game marketing in the 80’s, provided around the clock coverage leading up to the weigh-in. And while NHK’s stated purpose was to give its viewers greater insight into Piston Honda’s mentality, the seven hours of coverage it devoted to an unattended file cabinet on the North side suggested an ulterior motive. Nearly 500 pages of North Korea’s top-secret plan to conquer the world by monopolizing rampant poverty were revealed to the world before the NHK cameramen “forcefully defected” to the North side and swore allegiance to subsistence farming and despair.

Feeling as though their country was being mocked by the outside world, the North Korean government put an end to the weigh-in before Honda could even take the stage. Recognizing that the actual event offered the chance for real-life foreign currency to flow into their country, however, they made it clear the fights themselves would go on as scheduled. Whether they realize that potential currency flow is a pile of magic beans is unclear at the moment.

Tyson and Honda square off January 20. Little Mac and King Hippo will duke it out in the undercard.
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