For an encore, Great Tiger pulled this guy out of Doc Louis's briefs

Somewhere (LP) ---

The reformed WVBA can certainly be accused of a lot of things, but being unfair isn’t one of them. In fact, the list of things that the WVBA can be accused of is partially covered by the following list:

  • Racism
  • Sexism
  • Tax evation
  • Social deviance
  • Being ticklish
  • Jaywalking
  • Not knowing where the beef is
But as noted, being unfair isn’t on that list. This compass towards justice goes a long towards explaining why Doc Louis walked into the two-person Coleman tent that the WVBA calls its clubhouse to tell Great Tiger and Soda Popinski to put their Everlasts on. While they were champions, they understandably didn’t have to fight as many bouts as the common scum like King Hippo and King Hippo’s ugliness. But now that each fighter has relinquished his belt like King Hippo’s shorts did long ago, it’s time for them to get their records up there with the rest of the common class.

The implications were well known to both fighters – after they were translated on a Magna Doodle for them to read, of course. Soda Popinski, the former World Champion, has been in a bit of a slide and definitely needs either a convincing win over Bald Bull or a more impressive keg stand to be considered a legitimate contender to his old crown.

Tiger, meanwhile, is floating around the upper crust of the WVBA’s World Circuit. With Piston Honda’s long-awaited title fight looming, a win for Great Tiger would put him in a good position to step in against the victor, be it the tall Japanese man or the dimwitted fornicator.

WC #4 Soda Popinski (1-2) vs. MC #2 Bald Bull (2-3)

Bald Bull has one solid victory under his belt in the reformed WVBA, which was a knockout of the current Major Circuit Champion, Super Macho Man. Since then, however, his only win was against King Hippo, an accomplishment that’s surpassed in prestige by not pissing on the toilet seat.

As the bell rang, Bull came out looking like the man that he is: One that lost to Glass Joe. Soda, rubbing his knees together much like a fly that has vomited on itself, appeared primed to take advantage of the tattered Turk. Like the year they fired Brezhnev out of a cannon during the MayDay Parade, Popinski exploded towards Bull with fists ablaze. Burlap and socialism were flying everywhere as the terrified Bull fell into Popinski’s arms to get a break from the frenzy.

Many fighters are thrown into a funk after the notorious Prince of Perspiration gives them a bear hug. But Soda, being from a country where the leaders aren’t buried but set loose in formaldehyde for an audience, wasn’t so easily scared off. Soda gathered himself and then ducked low and drove his shoulder hard into the chin of Bald Bull. Bull was staggered, but managed to amorphously roll forward to receive another hard clavicle to the jaw.

Bull was wobbly and pissed off, much like a man caught in an unexpected Sarah McLachlan mosh pit. He clearly wanted to protest the blatant shoulder shots to Referee Mario, just like every other Punch-Out!! player has wanted to do since the game's first release. But with a swollen chin and a runaway case of illiteracy hampering him, he was able to do no such thing.

Sensing his opportunity, Soda pounded into his opponent with three more shoulders and then started going with the giant crazy uppercuts. Bull’s mouth contorted into a tiny sphincter of “oh shit” as Popinski continued to bring the pain. Bull finally ingloriously collapsed to the canvas and referee Mario counted straight to ten, the allotted time in boxing for a pugilist to stay on the mat before he is declared “knocked out.” Popinski, overcome with excitement, hopped the ropes and sprinted to the back to ice his throbbing shoulder.

WC #2 Great Tiger (2-1) vs. WC #5 Von Kaiser (2-2)

The crowd was all atwitter for the main event, which marks the first time since the RuPaul Boxing Alliance folded that a sportswriter has used the word “atwitter” to describe a boxing mob. Von Kaiser had just watched his beer buddy get mauled by a former champion and if he didn’t summon the powers of Rammstein and Mike Myers’ performance in the “Sprockets” sketch, he knew he would be the next to fall to a dethroned WVBA champ. This is the part on Sprockets where we dance….and get it on!

Von came out with a scowl on his face, while Tiger came out with a very unhelpful ruby on his turban that was letting Kaiser know exactly when he’d punch. Ruby flash, Kaiser wallop was the pattern for a little while before Tiger got pissed off and unloaded a huge uppercut. The uppercut fattened the lip of Kaiser and exposed the armpt hair of Tiger, both of which curiously excited the “atwitter” crowd.

Kaiser stumbled backwards a ways as his video game body double continued to wallop into him with a few well-placed uppercuts and Benedict Ruby jabs. Not to be outdone, however, Kaiser let out a giant “NEIN!!!!” as all German people randomly do multiple times a day, and returned with some uppercuts of his own. Being body doubles and repertoire sharers, the similarity of offenses was equal parts confusing and boring to the fans. As the bell sounded, more than one spectator was seen writing “Tiger- Diaper on head, Kaiser- No diaper on head” to keep the fighters straight.

As the bell sounded on the second round, Kaiser exploded through to his opponent and began unleashing a devastating set of right handed uppercuts. Pissed off that he wasn’t programmed with the ability to go left like his opponent, Kaiser squeezed his butt cheeks together and punched extra hard. With each haymaker, Tiger began to get more and more dazed and before he knew it, the vultures of Calcutta appeared to be flying over his head as Mario was standing over the top of him, counting to ten. Not to go down without a fight, Tiger peeled himself off the canvas at the six count, but was far too dazed to bring out his Magic Punch. Instead, he employed the rarely seen defense of “fleeing” as the enraged German pursued him around the ring. Mario’s attempts to waddle in Tiger’s way were of no help, but they were great persuasion to the children viewing that a life of eating mushrooms and plumbing doesn’t breed sprinters.

Kaiser eventually caught Tiger and began tenderizing him with numerous blows to the body and forehead in disgust, before the bell sounded again on yet another round.

In between rounds, Kaiser grouched about the cut-and-run tactics of Great Tiger, while Tiger himself complained of soiling in both of his diapers. But soiled, stinky, and strategic were proven by an incontinent Larry Holmes years ago to be a lethal boxing combination and Tiger was about to reinforce just this point.

As the bell sounded, Tiger spun into a disappearing blob signifying the Magic Punch was about to make its triumphant return. Kaiser, as well-prepared as Karch Kiraly lost in the arctic, was mercilessly battered by the incomprehensible offense of Great Tiger. As he tumbled to the mat, Kaiser was completely mystified by what had just taken place. As Mario counted towards his demise, Kaiser tried to summon the courage to go back against what his amnesiac mind had interpreted as the flying ghost of Red Grange. At the count of nein, he finally summoned the courage and rose courageously to his feet…

…where the magic punching Great Tiger took to disorganizing Kaiser’s face yet again. As Kaiser tumbled to the mat for the second time, he clearly had had enough of this ficken absurdity and let Mario fatly count him out.

Other Notes

- Tiger is now the #2 contender to the World Circuit belt and will rise to #1 following the Tyson/Honda showdown.
- Von Kaiser, having had his ass totally molested by magic twice, answered in the affirmative to an old McDonald’s marketing slogan after the bout.
- Stuck between a rock (Super Macho Man) and a fat place (King Hippo,) Bald Bull is questioning the purpose of even training anymore, which is sure to lead to more sterling efforts like the one seen in the undercard. © 2011
Dedicated to The Stick