The WVBA Bandwagon: Plenty of room for everyone!
Independence, Missouri (LP) --- The World Video Boxing Association is currently in a time of flux. Armed with new champions in both circuits for the first time since its reincarnation in 2003, onlookers have been anxious to see how the fighters would react. Would the new targets on top inspire the fighters to be their very best and pursue the gold that they are being handsomely compensated to strive for? Or will the emergence of more qualified champions lead to a downfall of crime and laziness for some of the less motivated challengers?
No matter what the reaction bears itself out to be, nobody faces more questions than the two defrocked champions, Soda Popinski and Great Tiger. Tiger perhaps faces the greatest challenge, having been bumped into the more prestigious World Circuit following his championship loss to Super Macho Man. This isn’t to say that Soda is without his question marks, as his two crate-a-day Crush habit is enough to concern even the most apathetic school nurse.
Other than the kindergarten humor and the lack of all social graces, the real beauty of the WVBA is that it allows the fists of its juvenile-minded competitors to answer some of our burning queries. That’s why Doc Louis rolled out the “COMEBACK TRAIL” in the city that brought us the Oregon Trail (I’m speaking of the computer game here. There’s nobody reading this who gives a damn about a real Conestoga.) Pitting Soda Popinski versus Great Tiger, WVBA enthusiasts were about to get a real look at just who was ready to ascend again to the top of fake boxing’s highest mountain, and who was more qualified to mingle with the fighters from Sega’s “James ‘Buster’ Douglas Boxing.”
WC #5 Von Kaiser (1-2) vs. MC #3 Little Mac (0-3)
Von Kaiser was a man being looked upon as a legitimate contender when he defeated Little Mac in 2003. Several felonies and two losses later, Kaiser is now being mentioned in more sexual harassment suits than he is in title fight whispers. The chance to fight the bowl of tapioca formerly known as Little Mac promised to be a good opportunity for Kaiser to find his stride again.
But if the German was expecting an easy time of it; and he was, considering he fought wearing a leisure suit he planned to wear to the clubs following the fight; he was star-punched back to reality in the first round. Sporting a sly smile and bushy mustache, Kaiser’s body began to take the abuse of a man who hadn’t eaten in an hour-and-a-half and was ready to make the first person he saw pay for it. Little Mac unloaded with lefts and rights, all the while inspiring the Missouri crowd as they hoped to catch a glimpse of their children’s childhood come back into the form they never knew but maybe saw once while passing by their Nintendo-playing children.
But while the first 1:30 went to Little Mac, Kaiser began to wake up. Shedding the jacket and showing off the robin’s egg blue dickey underneath, Von reclaimed some ground with a series of jaw-shattering uppercuts that sent Little Mac questioning his career choice as the round ended.
Mac, clearly burdened by hunger pains and punch-induced dementia, was in for a nightmare in the second. Kaiser came out with a series of Germanly amazing combinations to begin the round and Mac could never recover. The former World Champion hit the canvas forty-two seconds into the round and neither the floating “GET UP!!” on the ring floor, nor the “DIGDOGGER DOOMS THE MERCURY!!” of his trainer could bring him back to life. Kaiser won via knockout in Round 2, perhaps renewing his career but doing nothing for him in regards to his pending criminal charges in three states.
WC #2 Soda Popinski (1-1) vs. WC #4 Great Tiger (1-1)
The Comeback Trail’s main event had the Independence crowd anxious for bloodshed. Both fighters came in from exotic homelands ready to ply their trades (Laughing and Cat-killing respectively,) and also intended to do a little boxing as well.
After a far less elaborate introduction sequence than the former champions were used to, Great Tiger began to take charge early in the first round with such magical moves as the “Genie Spin” and the “Jab.” Soda took the abuse of the magician for quite awhile, before summoning the power always granted to someone who femininely knocks their knees together. He then began laying into the Huggies-covered head of Great Tiger, pounding him with enough ferocity to leave the outcome of the match in doubt heading into the middle round.
Coming out in the second round, Soda picked up right were he left off: Chortling, knee-knocking, and ass kicking. After his second warning for booting Great Tiger in the butt, however, Popinski returned to simply punching and was effective in doing so. After landing three massive uppercuts, the Missouri crowd braced themselves for their second brutal knockout of the night. But Great Tiger refused to collapse into a scared pile of high-fat yogurt like a certain other fighter. Instead, he teleported to the corner of the ring and unloaded heavily on Soda Popinski with the Magic Punch. Soda appeared on the verge of going down, but in an AC Slater moment of injustice, was mercifully saved by the bell.
In between rounds, Tiger petted Hobbes and guaranteed victory, while Soda’s camp desperately threw cans of Surge onto the swelling eyes of their pugilist.
The third round promised to be the stage where Soda Popinski would muster up the courage to fight back. But like ex-girlfriends across the globe, the third round was a deceitful liar and Soda barely made an effort. The Surge-covered sticky face of Soda was perfect for Great Tiger, who mashed the Sugar Bear into whatever shapes he wanted with his goofy punches that can only be learned if you are from India or take a boxing class. Soda made no effort to put up a fight and the crowd watched in awe as the snake charmer had his way with Popinski until the final bell rang.
Slo Mo Jones, WVBA head scorer scored the fight 30-27 in favor of Tiger. Former Royals third baseman George Brett had the fight going 30-28 to Tiger this night in Independence. The third member of the party, Zeke, succumbed to typhoid along the way and his score was unable to be recorded.
- The malnourished carcass of Little Mac was taken by ambulance to the nearest Ponderosa immediately following the fight
- George Brett’s scorecard was found to have a “disgusting, but legal” amount of pine tar on it after a requested review from the Popinski camp
- The fighters gathered 192.4 pounds of meat in a post-fight hunt, but were distressed to find that Indians had stolen three sets of clothing while they were gone