Doc Louis, looking not unlike Saddam Hussein, addresses the media.
Moscow (LP) ----
Mighty Russia was in an uproar as a painful memory from its past resurfaced on Wednesday night. Vodka Drunkenski (who goes by the alias, “Soda Popinski”) was crowned the World Champion of the World Video Boxing Association. While many would have seen this as a great night for Russia and for its sporting prowess, the citizens of the country had other feelings as the old Soviet appeared on their televisions for the first time on free air, not state TV.
Speaking through an interpreter, a merchant in southern Moscow had this to say about the developments: “We…….feel that this is a disgrace to our country. We felt we had rid ourselves of the Communist regime and now Drunkenski comes back to haunt us all.”
His friend spoke in halting English of his feelings: “Vodka……….no good for Russia……..we hungry, he rich. No good.”
When asked of who he thought will take the belt from him, he had this response: “Bald Bull is a solid fighter with a repertoire that is unmatched by any of the other fighters. He boxes with a tenacity reminiscent of a Victorian Era brawler, but with the grace of a young ballerina. His Bull Charge also cannot be underestimated.”
Rioting began to take place outside of the Kremlin as the crowds anxiously awaited word from Russian President Vladimir Putin and his reaction to the resurfacing of old demons. Shortly after 8:00, Putin stepped outside the walls and addressed the mob personally.
“Vodka Drunkenski is nothing more than a painful stereotype of Russia, the likes of which we have been trying to shed for the past decade,” remarked Putin while wearing a big fuzzy hat and eating a bowl of borscht. “This is the worst development since Chernobyl, and I’m still in the camp that can’t figure out what the big deal was there, either. That was nuclear mumbo jumbo, this is boxing damn it. I’ve been waiting for someone to erase the embarrassment of Ivan Drago ever since Rocky IV.”
The mob toasted Putin with a mass Vodka shot and then dispersed.
Reactions were far less hostile around the world. The nobles in India celebrated the anointing of Great Tiger as Major Circuit Champion. Unfortunately, the lowest caste, through the “telephone effect”, was relayed the message that that the "Gay Tigers had won the American League Central."
In New York, numerous inmates celebrated as former cell-block partner Mike Tyson was listed as the #1 contender to the World Title. World Circuit #2, Little Mac, at a press conference in Brooklyn, told the crowd:
“I’m gahn pahk Soda in da maht, ya know?”
Piston Honda, Von Kaiser, and Mr. Sandman rounded out the World Circuit rankings. The biggest disappointment had to be the Super Macho Man, former World Champion in the NES days. He was listed dead last in the Major Circuit rankings. When asked if he was disappointed, Macho said, “A little……but my hair is perfect and I can still do that gross thing with my breasts.”
The WVBA hits the ring on September 17.