Major Circuit promotional shot courtesy of Marco's Old Tyme Photography at the Dallas Six Flags
Reno, NV (LP) ---
The first title night of the WVBA’s first run concluded in Reno with a good deal of fanfare. While not featuring the more prestigious World Circuit, the Major Circuit fighters took center stage on this night with Great Tiger and Bald Bull headlining the event to claim their division’s belt.
The roll call was less than distinguished in terms of guests, as the B Level fighters were only able to draw B Level celebrities. The biggest names in the front row were Thomas Dolby, the Menards guy, and a transvestite that once appeared on Jenny Jones’ talk show. Aside from those famous people, even the eight-bit crowd failed to come out on this night before New Year’s, with one of those square blocks from Tetris being the only NES representative. This reporter can’t help but think when inanimate objects are your only platform guests; things can’t bode too well for the night. Let’s recount the fights:
MC #3 Glass Joe (0-1) vs. MC #4 King Hippo (0-2)
The opening match on the card billed as “Fear at the End of the Year” featured the lowliest fighters in all of the WVBA. The crowd and PPV audience were thoroughly uninterested in this fight and it showed in live attendance. There were exactly six people in the audience for this fight, including the parents of both fighters, the building’s janitor, and another guy who got lost looking for a casino. Other than that, the chairs were especially enthusiastic if you consider that they are also inanimate objects.
What the nonexistent crowd missed was a display of memorably sucky boxing. Neither Glass Joe nor King Hippo looked like they had trained in months and Hippo later conceded that he hadn’t been outside in the last three weeks leading up to the fight. “The Glass Jaw of France” took advantage of the sun-deprived Hippo by laying into him with some really feminine jabs that would devastate only the frailest of cadavers. Hippo, lacking any dexterity, was unable to counter the awkward lefts and rights that shot out at speeds reaching three miles per hour.
Between rounds, judge Slo Mo Jones had the fight scored 10-0 in favor of Glass Joe due to the simple fact that Hippo failed to throw any punches, much less land any.
In the second round, things continued to be the same display of awkward fighting as the once-feared Hippo continued to not put up any resistance and Glass Joe continued to think that he was tough. This enigmatic fight really took a turn for the bizarre (if you can believe that) when Hippo’s trunks, already known for their poor elastic, fell to the floor. To the horror of the paltry audience, Hippo had neglected to wear any undergarments. Repeated orders from Referee Mario to pull his trunks up were in vain as Hippo was too lazy to do so.
In regard for public safety, Mario stopped the fight and Hippo was disqualified. Glass Joe savored his first victory in just over a score by eating a pastry and getting conquered by Von Kaiser.
WVBA Major Circuit Title Bout
Champion: Great Tiger (0-0) vs. MC #1 Bald Bull (1-0)
Faced with the prospects of starting the title fight with only six people in the audience, Doc Louis had to come up with an excuse to delay the title bout until the crowd arrived. In a very poorly executed cover-up, the announcers on PPV claimed that they were in the middle of a “rain delay” (despite the fact that the proceedings were being held indoors) and the broadcast cut to three consecutive episodes of The Andy Griffith Show.
After such memorable sights as Andy fussing over Aunt Bea’s bad cooking and Barney Fife singing horribly off-key in the town choir, the paying crowd had arrived along with the paid crowd, a group of professional infomercial crowd members who were summoned for meal money to fill out the arena. With a full house finally ensured, Louis himself waddled to the middle of the ring to introduce the competitors.
During the pre-fight announcements, champion Great Tiger really put on a dazzling display by mystically teleporting to the ring. Boxing analysts agreed unilaterally that his entrance was a lot better than the slobber-flying jumping up and down that Bald Bull did on his way to the ring. Entrances over and crowd situated, the event was finally ready to begin.
Both camps had their worries about their respective fighters leading up to the fight. Great Tiger’s trainers were very worried about any ring rust that the champ might exhibit after not fighting competitively in fifteen years. Bull’s camp, on the other hand, was worried that their notoriously dimwitted pugilist would forget he had a fight and not show up.
Both sides’ anxiety were put to rest early on as Tiger came out looking sharp and Bull was simply in the ring. Great Tiger established control early on, much to the chagrin of the Bull camp. Bull’s trainer was even heard to yell, “When that damn ruby flashes, dodge the S.O.B.!” Indeed, the ruby tip-off was there all night, but Bull was far too dense to pick up on it. Instead he received more than a few Everlasts to the jaw before finally mounting some offense of his own. Bald Bull’s sweeping uppercuts reached the turban of Great Tiger on a couple of occasions, but it was still clear who was dishing out the vast majority of the punishment.
Great Tiger notched a 10-9 victory on Jones’ scorecard as they headed into the second round. Bull, despite repeated warnings from his camp that included video highlights, a giant easel with diagrams, and actual testimonials from former Tiger opponents, was caught completely off-guard by the Magic Punch of Great Tiger at the start of the round.
Tiger whirled around the ring like the ceiling after a drunken night in Istanbul. Bull was completely unprepared and bamboozled by his moves and was hit six times before toppling to the canvas. A potent combination of punch-induced pain and severe dizziness from watching Tiger float around did Bald Bull in. Mario issued the ten count and Great Tiger retained his title.
You can say what you want about the poor quality of the fights and of the low spectator turnout, but you certainly can’t deny that the WVBA put on the best lackluster blockbuster we have seen in internet video game boxing history.
-Doc Louis chose to announce the competitors because he thinks his vocal delivery is a cross between Barry White and the lead singer from Linkin Park.
-The Tetris block was apparently sent to the show by Alexey Pazhitnov in a shameless promotional stunt for his game.
-Great Tiger celebrated the night across the state in Las Vegas where he gambled freely and dined on one of Siegfried and Roy’s former tigers.
-The paid plants hired by Doc Louis left as quickly as the fight ended to shoot a new infomercial for the “Lacemaster 2000”, a new product that replaces those weird plastic caps on shoelaces.
-Glass Joe’s victory was hailed by the French government as “Further proof of the violent dominance that the nation of France holds over the world.”