Triple H is a man of many faces. And most of these faces look like male genitalia, but that's a story for another time. The faces I speak of are in reference to the many character alterations he has undergone over the years. From high-class snob to real-life asshole, it's been an interesting metamorphosis.

If you ever venture onto a professional wrestling website, you'll notice quickly that HHH isn't very popular. In fact, many people go so far as to labeling him the antichrist of professional wrestling today. Fair or not, I'm not going to be the judge. I will say that one must realize that they are getting the opinions of 30 year-old men who share the bed at night with their Big Bossman Slam-A-Roo pillow.

Dork exposure aside for a moment, I must say that it's hard to find fault with what the "smarks" are preaching. Last year I lived in a technological playground, where I had literally four televisions surrounding me. That meant that come Monday night, you could watch football and wrestling and still have television space leftover for Tecmo and Small Wonder reruns.

55-0?  He's got nothing on Goldberg
I don't know who made this, but whoa, good work.
What I saw was an entire year of Triple H. Never wanting to let go of the belt, I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that Triple H has been the World Champion for 90% of my college career (but not the WWE Champion, which is a really moronic situation that needs not be discussed.) The guy was on TV all the time, taking five minutes to get to the ring, where he would proceed to give some of the most boring lectures this side of Biology 150.

But we're not here to discuss why the internet geeks want to crucify him on the Titan Tron, nor are we here to rationalize why they might be justified. We're just here to talk about Hunter Hearst Helmsley.

Real Name: Paul Michael Levesque
Birthdate: 7/27/69
Promotions: WWF
Titles Held: WWF World Champion, both before and after the company made the whole roster a different type of World Champion.

WWF Career: HHH has only ever been in the WWF which makes it interesting to see what path his career has taken. While character variations in a lot of guys can be explained by the fact that they worked for multiple companies and promoters, Triple H's mutations are usually just the byproduct of steroid abuse. Steroid abuse and brown-nosing the boss, which strangely is the same way that Jason Giambi rose to the forefront of his field.

But while he has never left the company and technically has never changed his name, his moniker and personality have been significantly altered over the years. At first he was Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Then the Attitude Era (that is such a totally cool name for a time period) came and his name was shortened to the much more macho "HHH." I'm not sure if the brains in Stamford realized that brilliant Leonardites were skipping the "Triple H" pronunciation and instead were sounding the name out "HHHHHHHHHHHHHHaaaaaaaaaaa," or if people thought that it was former Vice President Hubert H. Humphrey telling Sexual Chocolate to "suck it." In any case, there must have been some confusion, and to clear it up, they changed his name to officially "Triple H." As far as the character variations are concerned...

Hunter Hearst Helmsley was originally unleashed on the world as a royal snob. His name sounded very snobby, his mannerisms were very snobby, and his bows and royal air were over-the-top snobby. (As you can see, the WWF push to make Hunter Hearst Helmsley "snobby" might have succeeded.) Vince McMahon did this because he wanted Helmsley to be a hated heel in the federation. This was back before the WWF discovered that the fans were fully capable of hating Hunter for who he is and that the lame stereotype character was unnecessary.

Before this realization was made, however, Hunter Hearst Helmsley transformed into HHH, co-leader of D-Generation X. As with all wrestling storylines, D-X has a jumbled history that is a lot more homosexual in retrospect than it was at the time, but HHH was a fan-favorite. The fact he won this status by suggestively grabbing his manhood is rather frightening and something I don't want to dwell on any longer.

HHH finally moved on to becoming Triple H and was given the super lame nickname "The Game." This in turn led to one of the worst entrance songs the WWF has ever known, as it is at least ten notches below the adding machine noises that accompanied I.R.S. to the ring.

Triple H is like the winner of WWF Survivor, being the last man standing from the Attitude Era. Steve Austin's body can't handle a square dance these days, the Rock has found lucrative work without having to wear a Speedo, and former stars like Billy Gunn, the Road Dogg, and Mick Foley have all found the soup line, drugs, and Doritos respectively. Hell, even the company itself was taken to court and brutally pounded by a group of tree-huggers, being forced into changing the company name to the far-less attitudinal "World Wrestling Entertainment."

Shawn's face is going to really hurt in .00004 seconds
WWE runs commercials telling kids not to fuck around with their stunts, presumably because of this one move alone.
So what does that mean for HH, excuse me, Triple H? It means he can do whatever the hell he wants. In addition to outlasting everyone, he made the marginal upgrade from Chyna's fake breasts and real diseases to Stephanie McMahon's fake breasts and real diseases. But with the chlamydia comes family power and basically, the man is in control.

But total control breeds complacency (like Triple H and Nipple H breed ugly children) So with complacency comes his new role: Triple H, movie star. This to me is horribly misguided. The Rock pulled it off because he's a talented actor. The fact that his body wasn't grotesquely misproportioned and that his face didn't look like a wang didn't hurt either. Maybe some of you want to see Triple H in movies. And I know that both of you have good reasons for doing so, but sorry Vince and Stephanie, nobody else does.

Finisher: As someone who is fully experienced in both juvenile wrestling moves by juveniles and juvenile wrestling moves by legal adults, Triple H's Pedigree is a very dangerous maneuver. While most wrestling moves can be faked well enough to alarm passing citizens without someone actually getting hurt, the Pedigree should always be totally off-limits. The reason for this is that the person getting Pedigreed has no control over their arms or the speed with which they'll hit the ground. The performer will also miscalculate the downward force applied. If attempted, a bloody nose should be fully expected. If attempted under the influence of alcohol, having the phone numbers handy to a few reputable funeral homes is a wise decision.

Awesome Career Moment: For anyone that has ever seen the now-mythical Wrestling with Shadows documentary, one of the best parts has to be when Bret Hart's wife is out for vengeance backstage and starts laying into Hunter. As if he already doesn't have enough problems with his worsening face-mutation and (at the time) unfortunate sexual relationship with Chyna, now he has Bret Hart's wife chewing his ass in front of all the wrestlers. "That's bullshit Hunter and you know it" she exclaims as he stares stoically at the wall. I don't know what you'd call Mrs. Hart reeming a 300 pound monster in a hallway, but "bullshit" wouldn't be my choice. If you said, "giggle-worthy cinema" you're getting warmer.