Final Score
BismarK: 3
Jets: 2

Co-Pilots
Brady, Sheepdawg

Game Highlight
Costume Contest




I am cursed by the freakin' Bismarck Bobcats. Going back to last year, I think I have seen the Jets play Bismarck an astonishing 729 times in a row. This includes the end of last season, the playoffs, and the beginning of this season. I faintly recall there being other teams in the league, but I'm pretty sure that the "A" on the ticket is a misprint, and instead this is really the NDHL.

Let me revise my statement above. Apparently the two games I have been to this year have been against the BISMARK BOBCATS, as opposed to the Bobcats who play in North Dakota's capital city. I'm not sure who is in charge of printing tickets, proofreading tickets, or teaching geography, but the fact that this happened two games in a row leads me to believe that this is not a typo. They are trying to trick us into believing that this is a new team that we are coming to watch, rather than having us get discouraged at seeing the Jets lose to the Bobcats yet again.

Bobcats aside, we were all pretty excited for this night for one main reason: The costume contest. Figuring that this might be a way for us to mooch our way into some more free tickets, there was no questioning the involvement of one of us in the event.

For a week we did our best to summon our creative powers from alcohol, but that just degenerated into silly rambling, random blog liberation strikes, and moody political talks. After idle threats of going as the Village People, a horse, or as Dan, we finally settled on this:

The Leonardite is.........LITTLE MAC

My non-award-winning, 90-minute-metamorphosis-from-scratch into Little Mac would not have been possible without Sheldon's sage-like wisdom, Taylor's courageous navigation in the face of a monsoon, or the outrageously low prices at Savers. My threads consisted of:

Top: Black Wife-Beater

Purchased in a two-pack at JCPenney's along with a gray wife-beater. As a non-wearer of Tough Guy shirts and a non-beater of wives, I no longer have any fathomable use for these garments. That is unless COPS makes a surprise visit at my door and I need to quickly mug for the camera by feigning a domestic abuse scenario.

Trunks: Lime Green Basketball Shorts

These things were a perfect match for what Mac wears, but there was a catch: Lucifer had emblazoned them with a University of North Dakota logo and was putting my morality on trial by tempting me with a contest win while sacrificing my dignity. After many gut-wrenching seconds, I proceeded to buy the wretched things. It ended up being a typical trick of Satan as I didn't win the contest, but at least I got the last laugh and returned them for full price the following week. Now that's something Little Mac would be proud of.



Robe: Robe

I purchased this thing at Savers for $2.65 and is it ever sweet. Not only did it work for becoming Little Mac, it's perfect for when I want to dress up as Hugh Hefner in winner-take-all "pose-offs" pitting myself against my reflection in the bathroom mirror.

Gloves: Everlast Youth Gloves

These things were designed either for parents who encourage brain hemorrhaging in their children, or for Fox "celebrity" boxing matches involving Gary Coleman. Even though they didn't win me anything, they WILL help me further the lie that I am a distant relative of Hector "Macho" Camacho.
We came up with two mission objectives that I was to attain in the midst of stealing every heart red-handed from the gathered crowd. First and foremost, I was to win the contest and the unimaginable splendors that came with it. Secondly, it was hoped that I would be the only "adult" in costume. Besides having to share the spotlight with only my stunning good looks, this would have been a shoo-in for me to accomplish mission number one. We briefly considered adding "kidney punch the promotions guy" as a third objective, but it was pocket vetoed in fear of it hindering our abilities to walk away with the costume contest booty.

In theory, those all sounded great. In practice, they worked as well as Tim Taylor's hair-brained Tool Time schemes. There were other adults entered which put a big "x" in the failure column for mission #2 and two of these adults (dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Lame Wolf) walked out with the prize and my youthful exuberance. Standing there in my Everlasts and tank top getting blatantly jobbed by the judges, I knew exactly what it felt like to be a real boxer. The winners of the prize were booster club members, which is a little bit too cozy if you ask me. Next year, save me the effort and put this on the promo sign:

"JETS Costume contest! The booster club will be picking the best costume from among other members of the booster club. General fans and Leonardites need not apply, as we've completely rigged this affair to further our own race. May your people be blighted from the earth and purchase many t-shirts at the gift shop on your way to contest-less damnation."

So incensed (and stiflingly cold) was I, that I immediately stepped into the nearest telephone booth after being ushered from the ice. There I underwent my dramatic transformation from Little Mac, "Worldwide face-deformer" to Leonardite, "Man who now owns a useless set of boxing gloves."

The Game

We assumed our usual spots in the detox section, where the crowd was unusually plentiful. Later attendance figures confirmed that this was a very well-attended game. More people can sometimes mean more drunken entertainers, but more often they are more worthless visiting fans. The score for the night in the detox section was:

Oooooh, it's a mystery

On a five senator scale, that's just not too shabby. We had the drunk guys behind us who had "J-E-T-S" spelled out on their naked chests. We had the other drunk guys behind us who had the "J-E-T-S JETS! JETS! JETS!" chant working. And we had the kid not more than ten years old calling a BismarK defenseman a "pussy" and giving him the middle finger through the glass while he was on the bench. Would I be ashamed if he was my kid? Sure. But he's not, so we all chuckled in merriment at the decline of American morality.

With spirits flowing freely into our section and spirit flowing freely out, the crowd tonight was able to drown out the usually obnoxious and wholly uncreative BismarK faithful. After jumping out to a 2-0 goal lead, one of them by our consensus pick as "Star of 2004," Tom Dickhudt, all looked like a big "W" on the board for the Jets. But as I was being led away to the big booster club farce, BismarK tallied a weak goal and the house started to crumble.

Never scoring again and letting BismarK work their considerable buzz-killing mojo, the Jets fell 3-2. Dejected and enraged in more ways than one, we left quickly to avoid the stupid celebrating of the horrible, horrible BismarK throng.

But Saturday is another game and chances are good that I'll be there. Who are they playing? Now THAT was a stupid question. It's Bismarck of course.

Unless it's Bismark.

Either way, I'm not counting on any Jets victories or legitimate booster club contests.



Random Game Pictures (Click all to enlarge)

           

The Glass Pounder (Legend)



The Leonardite
Leonardite.com 2004
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