My favorite excuse from the emulator crowd is that they like to download the ROMs (the computerized version of an NES cartridge) to “test the game out” to see if they want to buy it. This makes a lot of sense. I definitely would like to take the time to scour the internet for a ROM of MUSCLE, download it, and then play the inferior-controlling ROM version. Of course, I could also spend two dollars on eBay and own the game forever, but damn it, I need to know if this fifteen year-old game is worth sacrificing two fucking dollars for.

What is even scarier than that logic is that there probably is somebody who has actually done this. While using that excuse is grounds for being singled out in dodge ball, actually carrying out that plan is worthly of remorseless groin clubbing. By the gym teacher.

I would just love to see that little bastard at the game store going home, downloading Romance of the 3 Kingdoms, and then selling some of his pogs to finance his quest to locate the actual cartridge. The only excuse I can accept for using only the emulator came from Dan, who willingly conceded that he doesn’t buy the system or games because he is cheap. While this is by no means noble or even normal, at least the man has principles. I also wouldn’t accept this justification from just anyone, but Dan is the same guy who bought an entire suit at Savers for $1 so I know how he operates.


When it comes to the emulators, there is really only one way to go. There are a lot of emulators out there and they get some use here and there from what I am told, but the true gamer (loser) uses NESticle. (Get it? It sounds like “testicle.” They did this to remind you that you are a big penis for using an emulator.) NESticle serves one good purpose in that it allows internet conquistadors like me to get screenshots. It also has the capability of allowing those people with no friends to play against other people with no friends via the internet. This might sound like a redeeming quality of NESticle, but for the most part (I’ll exclude some Man/Man Tecmo games) it only serves to further confine countless geeks to their prison of Dungeons & Dragons and Striperella.

Another thing that I do like about NESticle is that in addition to its Doom-like blood-dripping claw for a pointer, its desktop icon is a hairy scrotum. While I’m normally against Windows-based male genitalia, many parents will be prompted to remove the offending program from their computer so as not to expose their kids to such filth. The hairy sack may even play a role in this decision.

Other dorks have found ways to hook up old controllers to the computer for use with the emulator, but mainly users have to use a third-party controller or the keyboard to play the games. Other accessories such as the Power Glove are also not included, since it takes two hands for the users to play with their NESticles (You may put a giant "2" on the “Sexually suggestive references to the Power Glove” scoreboard.) This is another huge drawback to playing with the emulator. Games like Tag Team Wrestling couldn’t be played correctly with the normal pad and super-human dexterity. Now you’re trying to tell me I have to play them with the “alt” and “shift” keys? This is where even the dimmest morons come to the conclusion that their time would be better spent trying to figure out if any of those nude Lara Croft codes actually work.

To summarize, if you’re going to get into the Nintendo scene, I would highly recommend focusing more on Donkey Kong-related memorabilia and less on desktop reproductive organs. Your social life will thank you later.

A few years into the 21st century, this fishhooked kid is proudly showing off his Coolio CD. While he is officially as cool as people who don't do the Dew, the mayor of Cooltown has still decreed that he is 80% more rad than anyone playing Fist of the North Star on their emulator.




In my quest to be the best friend to everyone on the internet, I'm going to help this lonely personal ad poster improve his listing.

Problem: Picture
Women probably would be more interested if he didn't post pictures of himself giddily smiling in a pastel gown. Another insignificant flaw is that there is someone in the middle of dying behind him.




Back to the NES Lair

Back to Leonardite.com

E-mail the Leonardite